Terms of Servitude.

Just shut up and sign it.

This is not a political post.

I don’t know what it is. Free-styling I guess.

All I know is when one of the local chain-stores-that-sets-aside-a-little-floor- space-behind-the-endive-so-you-can-pretend-it-is-a- Viennese-café-circa-1901 decided to serve up wifi along with its International Coffee’s of Mystery, well it was nearly as exciting as new phonebooks.



It means that when I can suspend space and time for a few minutes during daylight hours and run out for a little hay and a lump of sugar, I can also upload/download/check email/etc.

Of course, I also run the risk that the dead, vacant eyes staring back from the magazine rack at me as I stand in the checkout line will steal my soul and screw up my writing, but I take precautions (Specifically, I stuff my hat and shoes with pages from “The Possessed” and sing “Sons of Toil and Danger” loud enough to scare the checkout succubi away.)

So I’ve got that going for me.

At least I did, until they rolled out their “Terms of Service” contract, very similar to a million other TOS agreements we have all clicked past a million times

Which you know is important because IT STARTS OFF ALL IN CAPS.

YOUR USE OF THIS SERVICE AND ACCEPTANCE OF THESE TERMS OF SERVICE CREATE A LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT. DO NOT USE THIS SERVICE IF YOU DO NOT INTEND TO BE LEGALLY BOUND TO THESE TERMS OF SERVICE.
…

Note to self: When drafting TOS contracts, do not job out any boilerplate-language-writing to legal aides that are too into bondage to control their own vocabulary.

Note to self: This is how the Devil will come to own our souls.

BY CLICKING YOUR ACCEPTANCE TO THIS AGREEMENT OR BY ACCESSING OR USING THE WIRELESS SERVICES (“SERVICE”) BEING PROVIDED IN A STORE OWNED OR OPERATED BY NSA-FEWAY INC. OR ANY OF ITS AFFILIATES (“This Firm” “The Outfit” “The Company” “The Gang” “The Panini Consortium” “Our Thing” “Preznit’s Best Frozen Chicken Meat Wads and Intel House” “The Operation” “No, you misunderstood. You will be taking one of my free samples of Nature’s Own Extruded BaquOn Food Product (Number Seven)” “The Other Operation” “The Other, Other Operation”), YOU REPRESENT THAT YOU ARE CURRENTLY A GUEST OF A NSA-FEWAY STORE AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HAVE READ…

And so forth

For purposes of your using the Service, you agree that NSA-feway may assume that either you have legal capacity to enter into this Agreement (i.e., that you are of sufficient age and mental capacity or are otherwise entitled to be legally bound in contract), or that your parent(s) or legal guardian(s) have consented to your use of the Service and accept this Agreement on your behalf.

So good for you -- you’re not insane, and not an idiot. Yay!

At least you say you’re not crazy.

But isn’t that what crazy people always say?

Also even though, as a minor, you cannot sign this contract, you can miraculously make your parents liable for its terms.

So you can consign you parent’s souls into the chill grip of the Prince of Lies for all eternity.

Which is awesome.

And they’ll never even know you made the deal until the Rapture comes, and they’re stuck on the lawn looking at a sky-full of their neighbor’s naked, righteous, saved asses as all they zoom away in the general direction of Betelgeuse.

While your parents stand there like Mr. and Mrs. Job asking each other, WTF?

We do it doggy-style with the lights on one fucking time…

And you laugh and laugh and laugh.

AUTHORIZED USE OF THE SERVICE. You agree that you are authorized to use the Service solely while you are a guest of a NSA-feway store, subject to the terms and conditions of this Agreement and any other agreement or terms of use, acceptable use policy or similar provisions …

See, this is where I get into trouble….

You agree not to use the Service to engage in any prohibited conduct, which includes, without limitation, any conduct that is actually or potentially unlawful, infringing, tortuous or harmful to us guys or any other party or property; that violates another party's intellectual property, privacy or other rights; or that otherwise interferes with the operation, use or enjoyment of any service, system or other property.

(i) intercept, divert or otherwise interfere with any communication,

So if I see some pinhead reading Powerline, I’m not allowed to wave my fingers in his face in a dramatic, hex-casting kind of way, mock his existence and question his parent’s species and, oh, wait a minute…

(Note to self: draw up a list of theses detailing the accusations against this Administration. 90-95 should do. Got to Kinkos and knock out a few thousand copies. Go to Ace hardware and get a few thousand nails. )

(ii) violate the security or integrity of, or gain unauthorized access to, the Service or any other service, system or communication;

Check.

(iii) impose an unreasonable or disproportionately large load on any systems or infrastructure;

Alright, alright already. I know my posts run long. Jeez. Go talk about someone else’s ass, willya?

(iv) Use dangling modifiers in a suspicious, threatening, dissipated, gluttonous, immoderate, impertinent, intense, unrepentant, Saturnalian, unrestrained, untemperate or vinolent way.

Yes, it's vinolent. Go. Look it up. I'll wait.

(v) Display nouns as a baboon might display his ass, or fling adverbs like a chimp chucking poo.

(vi) "spoof" or otherwise impersonate any other party, falsely stating or otherwise misrepresenting your identity or affiliation in any way,

So none of this: “Me llamo esta driftglass”.
Or this: “I’m not not not staring at your tits.”

(vii) commit fraud;

Note to self: Take the crotch socks out of my trousers before using the wifi at NSA-feway.

(viii) harass, or threaten any party, advocate or otherwise encourage violence against any government, organization, group, individual or property, or provide instruction, information, or assistance in causing or carrying out such violence;

Violence? Encourage violence? Never.

But harass?

Does this mean David Fucking Brooks gets a pass whenever I’m sitting here not staring at your tits in any way? Because that is a bright line across which I will not step.

(ix) disseminate viruses, Trojan horses, or other code or programming intended to damage, interfere with, intercept or expropriate any system, data or personal information;

Does that include mojo-enabled neurolinguistic programming?

Designed to be disseminated (take) by my soothing (your) voice?

In a (pants) way that definitely (off) is designed to lead to the (immediately) divulgence of all kindsa personal information?

Because that would be wrong.

And then here comes the biggie…

(x) send or receive any material that could be considered
a. harmful,
b. obscene,
c. pornographic,
d. indecent,
e. lewd,
f. violent,
g. abusive,
h. profane,
i. insulting,
j. threatening,
k. harassing,
l. hateful or otherwise objectionable;

Well Fuckyfuckybangbang! Why not just pee on my laptop and break all my pencils?

I consider the Iraq war to be an obscenity.

The act of eviscerating a noble faith and wrapping yourself in its skin to score political point to be insulting and hatefully pornographic.

This Administration to be both insulting to our founding principles and harmful to our future.

Everything about the Modern Right – from the way it recrucifies Christ every time a wingnut opens his mouth of invoke God to justify his bigotry or hide his barely-concealed freak-flag, to its endlessly, shamelessly, lying media, to its fundamental ideology of viciousness and rage and drama-queen victimhood -- harmful, hateful, indecent or otherwise objectionable.

So I suppose even “Heh Indeedy” microposts to Crooks and Liar, Jesus General or even Paul Krugman are Right!Out!

(xi) send or receive any material that harasses, victimizes, degrades, or intimidates an individual or group of individuals on the basis of religion, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, age, or disability;

OK, but seriously, what if your religion is just fucking ridiculous?

What if your sexual orientation is really, really funny?

And is mockery OK? Apery? Derision?

And can I intimidate groups of individuals based on geographic distribution?

Based on their idiotic politics?

Can I use the White House standards for what does and does not constitute degradation?

(xii) send or receive material containing defamatory, false, or libelous material;

So this is out of the question since I don’t believe the Decider was actually at Burning Man that year.

(xiii) send or receive any material that makes you big in the pants. We’re not sure exactly what it is that may make you, specifically, big in the pants, but we’re pretty sure something does. So stop that.

And quit making those faces!

(xiv) assist others in engaging in prohibited conduct.

(xv) This list is not intended to be exhaustive. NSA-feway requires that you be a good Internet citizen when using the Service.

(File under: Other thoughcrimes as they occur to us)

(xvi)
…

(Cue ominous music)

CERTAIN CONSEQUENCES OF UNAUTHORIZED USE.

(Yikes. Here come the caps again.)

Without limiting any other right or remedy available to NSA-feway, NSA-feway reserves the right to, and you agree that Safeway shall have the right to,: (i) take such actions as it deems, in its sole discretion, to be appropriate to protect against violations of this Agreement or abuse of the Service and to otherwise protect its interests (including without limitation, removing offending material, temporary or permanent filtering, blocking access, and suspending or terminating service), and (ii) investigate immediately and involve and cooperate with appropriate authorities regarding any illegal or unauthorized activities involving the Service.

(Note to self: Remember to wear my “Don’t Tase Me, Bro!” tee-shirt when;

1. Not mocking David Fucking Brooks with a dangling modifier;

2. Not insulting the painfully funny imbecility of people who swear by a blue-eyed, white Jebus, who told them personally that Revelations is as plain and factual as a weather report, and that the Earth is just a little older than my great-, great-, great-, great-uncle isinglass. Were he still alive;

3. Not staring at your tits;

4. Not linking to anything scary in the NYT;

5. Not using my mad “Zen and the Art of Pants Removal” neurolinguistic skillz to get you naked;

while using the wifi at NSA-feway

NO ASSURANCE OF SECURITY AND PRIVACY. You understand and agree that you shall have no expectation of privacy or security in your access or use of the Service.

Blah blah blah

Rendition…

Habeas Corpus…

Military Commission…

Drumhead trials held in the produce section…

Thunderdome?



Something-something, medical experiments…

Organs sold to recover court costs…

NSA-feway can punch you in the arm seven times…

Wedgies…

All disputes to be settled within the judicial system of NSA-feways homeworld, Salusa Secundus...

You agree that, with this Ageement, and your use of the Service shall be governed by the laws of the Combine Honnete Ober Advancer Mercantiles (CHOAM) and the Padishah Emperor of the Known Universe, without regard to conflicts of laws principles
…



Shorter: Of course a private company has the right to regulate a service it is offering to the public.

That’s not the point.

The point is (and turns out there was one after all), you have damned little privacy left in this world, and what remains is being whittled down every day, everywhere, by almost every institution.

Some of it is stolen from you.

Some traded away by your proxies in government for convenience or a little temporary security.

Some it surrendered to the needs of family, friends, work and faith.

And some of it you just give away.

Guard your privacy with your life and never give it away lightly. Because it’s not just where you keep your porn and your fancy, new-fangled store-bought electronic vibratory machineries.

It is the crèche inside of which all of your best and worst ideas are constantly growing, contending, evolving.

It is the tiny, sacred vault that holds intimacy.

It is the kingdom over which your soul reigns no matter what is happening to your body.

It is where your lion’s heart goes to safely rest between battles.

And once it’s gone, it’s gone.