The New Republican Standard-Bearer

The Great De-Pantsinator (click for larger)

This from the NYT:

Guilty Plea Stands, but Craig Won’t Quit Senate
By CARL HULSE

WASHINGTON, Oct. 4 — Senator Larry E. Craig of Idaho, defying the wishes of many in his own Republican Party, said Thursday that he would remain in the Senate through next year despite a court ruling against him in Minnesota, where he had sought to rescind his guilty plea stemming from an undercover sex sting.

Shortly after a judge denied his request to withdraw the August plea admitting to disorderly conduct, Mr. Craig said he had reversed his previously announced decision to leave the Senate if he could not get the plea thrown out. He said he would instead serve out his third term, which expires in January 2009. He said he would not run for a fourth.

“When my term has expired, I will retire and not seek re-election,” said Mr. Craig, who was accused of soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a restroom of the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport in early June. “I hope this provides the certainty Idaho needs and deserves.”

His decision was a major disappointment to Republican leaders, who had hoped Mr. Craig would make good on his pledge and spare them from the potential political liability of having a senior lawmaker who has become a national punch line.
…

Of course, mocking Republican Senator Craig is easy. Like…well…fish in barrels make wilier targets.

More like RPGing bison in a beer glass.

But looking past the karmo-tragic absurdity of the details of his fall, I see a man who has really done nothing more or less than methodically run the GOP play-book.

Nothing more than -- step-by-step -- perfectly enact those very behaviors which his Party has carefully cultivated and rewarded above all others these last 30 years.

1. Engage in the very behavior you condemn in others. And make sure your condemnations are loud. Very, very loud. Because being a raging hypocrite Is OK...If You’re a Republican.

2. If caught, lie.

3. If caught indisputably lying, run in circles and deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny everything. Assert that you in possession of Higher Truths, Invisible Revelations and Sekrit Intel, access to which is denied to lesser, liberal, reality-based losers.

Beneath the gales of laughter, what Republican Senator Craig has been mostly is pathetic. A frail human caught up in his own frantic flight from himself, tripping and falling into the spotlight because his pants were tangled up around his ankles.

Under other circumstances, he would just be sad. Under other circumstances, I would feel genuinely sorry for the guy.

But these are not other circumstances, because Republican Senator Craig has spent his professional life choosing to lend his voice to this nation’s chorus of hateful, vicious, self-righteous scum.

Choosing to side with the Party of Limbaugh, Gingrich, Falwell and DeLay.

Choosing to dance with a Devil that mocks the frail, punishes the weak and in the name of the Prince of Peace flogs the helpless, the different and the outsider for petty partisan gain.

And when he fell, Republican Senator Craig just did exactly as he’d been taught: Lie, Deny and Defy.

No wonder he feels baffled and betrayed. Shit, if this time-tested, Cheney-approved, Conservative-blessed strategy is good enough the Decider and his Republican Iraqi Debacle, why isn’t it good enough for some lonely, closeted, loyal Republican idiot?

Well, I’ll tell you why…

Because in the end, Republican Senator Craig’s only real mistake when busted was not thinking fast enough on his feet to claim – loudly and con mucho outrage – that he was just looking for WMDs in the potty.

That he was looking for evidence of yellowcake among the urinal cakes.

That he had solid evidence of al-Qaeda and links to 9/11 coming from the next stall.

His only mistake was that he Lied Small.

Had he Lied Big, stuck his chin out, and stridently accused anyone who questioned him of being an America-hating traitor, he would not today be a figure of ridicule and farce.

Quite the contrary.

Had he gone with:

"Sure, when confronted with an existential threat, Liberals would have cut and run from the poop booth, but bathroom walls don't protect us anymore, people! And if we don’t, uh, tappa, tappa, tappa them over there, they’ll fondle fellate follow us home!”

things would have turned out very differently.

Instead of being a national punchline, at this very moment, in an off-ramp men’s room outside of Tacoma, he’d be heroically conducting Operation Raging Beefhammer with some new best friend.

While proudly sporting his freshly-minted Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Tappa, tappa, tappa.