Sunday Morning Comin’ Down – Part 1

“Oh the Humanity!” edition.

At which Fox News Sunday marks the 70th anniversary of the Hindenberg by inviting Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner on to explain-via-interpretive-dance the GOP’s exciting, new

“Gasbags Exploding and Going Down In Flames Right Before Your Eyes So Fast You Can’t Believe It!” strategy.


But first, Chris Wallace – who has now cut out the middle man and passed the savings along you the customer by taking his talking points directly from Al-Qaeda – feels it necessary to demand that Senator Chris Dodd rebut the following:

AQ Top Bad Guy Ayman al-Zawahiri sez that the Democrats are surrender monkeys and America leaving Iraq would be a Victory for Terr’ists! Well? Huh?

To which the only proper response is, see , Brer Rabbit really wanted to be thrown back into the briar patch even though he said he didn't.

Of course AQ wants us to stay in Iraq. For as long as possible. Forever if possible. Bush the Cowboy Conquistador is their "Employee of the Month". Every month. Nowhere on Earth is there a more prodigious and effective recruiter for their cause.

We broke Iraq, and the more we continue to maintain a massive army smack in the middle of other people’s civil war, the more the Bad Guys can lay the blame for everything that is going wrong at our feet.

And therein lies one of the major difference between Liberals and Conservatives. Liberals generally do not let crazy people dictate bad policy, or let crazy people goad them into making bad decisions; Conservatives, OTOH, embrace and celebrate their crazies. Give them crowns and scepters and nuclear weapons. And even though they are always amply warned over and over and over again of the catastrophic consequences of following their anointed degenerates and demagogues, Conservatives nonetheless continue to march lockstep behind them off one cliff after another, dragging the rest of the world down with them.

And then rave that bad thoughts and dissent -- not their own long, unbroken and lethal string of astoundingly bad decision -- cause bad results.

By Conservative reckoning, tornadoes don’t level towns. Because if you just ignore tornadoes, stuff your ears full of scriptures, blindfold yourself with flags, and pretend that the cotton is high, the livin’ is easy, and there are no cows and cars and convenience store roofs whirling past your head…then everything will be fine.

Instead it are those people that acknowledge the coming storm and try to raise the alarm who are really to blame.

Then, on to the opaque paucity of that big ‘ol slab of stoopid called The Boner.

Boner: See, Iraq is like owning a small business. If you don’t make your benchmarks, you don’t shut the business down.

Wow.

I honestly cannot imagine a stupider, more delusional, or more unintentionally revealing comparison than that.

Because I cannot imagine anyone running a small business at a complete dead-loss for four straight years – four straight years of everything getting vastly worse, and your small business being looting down to the studs, your staff killing each other, and your warehouse repeatedly being burned to the ground – not selling his or her inventory at remaindered prices and running like hell.

Unless, of course, your name is “Bush” and your Daddy can summon an army of Republican and Saudi Checkbookmakers to bail your waterhead son out of his every pathetic failure and fuck up.

And I cannot imagine that any serious person’s first choice of an analogy for the vast, complex, bloody, tragic ruin that is Iraq would have nothing to do with freedom, security, global realpolitik, the health of the military, but instead actually compare it with running:

“Nucite Sales, a small sales business in the packaging and plastics industry” (From The Boner’s bio)

Unless, of course, your name is Boner and your soul is a sack of blowfly maggots and corporate IOUs.

Wallace: So you would oppose benchmarks with teeth?

Boner: It doesn’t make sense.

Boner: It’s time to support our troops. We don’t want artificial deadline in there that insure failure.

Wallace: Well if this is really, really serious, what do you thing of the Iraqi Parliament’s decision to take a two month break?

Boner: Well you know, we have breaks here. We go back to our districts here and take care of constituent business.

Wallace’s dropping jaw splits the table.

Wallace: Yeah…but…but…uh…we’re not fighting a fucking war in the streets of our capital are we?

I must say the highlight of this shitpuddle was watching Wallace struggle to try to keep the nekkid incredulity off his face as this fatuous, Christalopithecus just lied and lied and lied.

It really was that bad.

Bad enough to borrow one of the many finely-turned phrases from “The Lion in Winter” and wonder aloud what kind of "...ricket-ridden, milky, wizened, dim-eyed, gammy-handed, limpid line of things” has the GOP become that they scuttle to the polls to proudly elect this lump of room-temperature Sheiza Bear.

Boner: Iraq is not about a civil war. It is not a civil war. There is some sectarian violence there…but that’s all being cause by Iran.. All the rest of it is Al-Qaeda.

Boner (On Iraq): Al-Qaeda started this. And if we don’t take on Al-Qaeda in Iraq, where will we take them on. Huh? Huh? Huh?

Uh…Afghanistan? You know, where they’re headquartered?

Boner: The Democrats have no vision. They have no policy. Just look at Iraq? They have no policy but giving up and running home. They’re being pulled further and further to the Left by these anti-War and Lefty groups. They have no domestic agenda.

And then he ran in a circle for six minutes, fell down crying and went to sleep, because lying like a Big Boy makes poor little Boner very, very tired.


On Face the Nation Newt!

Newt: Congressional oversight and putting some upper limit on Preznit Dry Drunk’s unlimited Iraq Drink Tickets somehow undermines the morale of our troops and our standing around the world.

Schieffer: But in 2003 you said this White House “went over a cliff”. You’ve called them everything but a child of God, so how do you now sit here and bag on Democrats for doing what you yourself have already done?

Newt: Let’s say the Liberal Democrats succeed and we are defeated. What then? We have an active enemy world wide and this defeat would be worse than eleven Hitlers!

Schieffer: How much longer?

Newt: We are caught up in a World Wide war. Against an enemy that is evil evil evil. There was a 12 year old kid who beheaded someone! And this couple who wanted to use their baby to smuggle a bomb.

driftglass: And there were White high schoolers at Columbine who committed mass murder. A White Christian milk-truck driver who walked into an Amish schoolhouse and started shooting children.

A loyal Militia Conservative Christian and embodiment of Newt’s own “The Government is Evil” ideology named McVeigh who blew up an entire building.

There is Eric Rudolph.

There is Fred Phelps.

By Newt’s reasoning, each of these incidents involving White, Christian lunatics who either volubly advocate violence or commit actual violence demands to be stitched together to “prove” that we are really in a World Wide War against violent White American Christian extremism.

So if I understand correctly, by Newt’s reasoning, we need to nuke Alabama.

Like, immediately.

Newt: Whether it’s Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran…

Because the racist Republican doctrine that dare not quite speak its name is as simple as this: The Great Swarthy Hordes are all in it together!

Like the army of bigoted wingnuts for whom he speaks, to Newt they’re all ragheads. They’re all the same. They all believe the same thing. They’re all savages. They all need to be “defeated”. And steered by this White Power, imperialist doctrine, we lashed wildly out at a non-radical people who never, ever threatened us.

Who happened to be sitting on an ocean of oil.

And then proceeded to fuck up their country, turning it into a gaping, bloody wound.

And now, four years later, for reasons which are unfathomable to me, charlatans and fascists like Newt still have an open invitation to sit in front of the nation’s cameras and opine as if they were not insane.

To calmly cite the chaos that their own perverse ideology nourished and metastasized as “evidence” that we should continue doing exactly what got us into this quagmire in the first place.

Because without the Viagra of an Endless Cold War to engorge the wee dabs of shriveled gristle between their legs, the Conservatives have nothing left in the sock drawer to stuff down their Grand Old Party Pants but corporate feudalism, gay dread and Negrophobia.

End Part 1 of 2.