“They’re Just Not Into You”

In which Boss Playa “Big Dog” Clinton offers the heartbroken Left Hangin’ Chads out there some tough-love Electoral Relationship advice from his new book -- “They’re Just Not Into You” -- and breaks it all down.

Old school.

(The following was pilfered, groped and terribly misused by me from these excerpts from the actual book, “He’s Just Not Into You”, which remains, for reasons that utterly mystify and depress me, a best seller to this day…)


Lesson One: They’re just not that into you if they’re not asking you to represent them.

Because if they like you, trust me, they will ask you to run.

Many candidates have said to me, "Big Dog, voters run the world, and yet they’re constantly jerking me around, demanding more cake for less sugar?” Wow. That makes voters sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as going to the polling places and asking you out?

You seem to think at times that voters are "too shy" or are maybe "just getting over a bad Congressman." Let me remind you: Voters find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of getting dicked around by the gentry.) If they want you, they will find you.

If you don't think you gave them enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice them and divide it by half.

Now you begin the life-changing experience of reading our book. We have put the stories we have heard and questions we've been asked in a simple question-and-answer format. If you're lucky, you'll read the following questions and know what they are: Excuses that voters have made for their unsatisfying situations. If you're not so lucky, we've also included handy titles to clue you in.

The "Maybe They Doesn't Want to Ruin the Friendship" Excuse

Dear Big Dog,

I'm so disappointed. I have this voting bloc that I've known platonically for about ten years. They’re in a different political party and recently they were group-blogging over on Little Green Footrubs, so we had a meetup and dinner. All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. They were completely flirting with me. They even said to me, as they were checking me out, "So, what, you're working the whole 'Change Agent' thing now?" (That's flirting, right?)

We agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Big Dog, I'm disappointed because it's been two weeks and they haven’t called me or hit my campaign tip jar. Can I call them? They might be nervous about turning their approving glances into political romance. Can't I give them a nudge now? Isn't that what friends are for?

J. Mentum.

Dear J.,

Two weeks is two weeks, except when it's ten years and two weeks. That's how long ago they decided whether or not they could rub up on a Democrat or a dime licker who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give them a nudge? Nudge away, friendster — but watch how fast that nudge doesn't get a return phone call, endorsement or high-digit check.

And if your grope/date did feel different to them, it's been two weeks and they’ve had time to think about it and decide they’re just not that into you. Here's the truth: Republicans don't mind a little reacharound if it could lead to fucking over the Democratic Party, whether it be a "Democrat with benefits" situation or you convert and go Full Metal Fascist.

But my advice is, stick to your own Party honorably, even if that means sleeping alone and not being asked back to the Senate.

I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about a candidate, we can't stop ourselves — we want more.

And please, don't tell me they’re just "scared." The only thing they’re scared of — and I say this with a lot of love — is how not attracted to you they are.



The "Maybe They’re Intimidated by Me" Excuse

Dear Big Dog,

I have a crush on my constituents, but they’re such unimportant little shits. Tradesmen, shop keepers, teachers and a bunch of other little nobodies. At least that’s how it was until this summer. It was hot, and I was busy pimping for the Dear Leader, but then I saw the voters with their Lamont buttons on, and in his arms, and they were so hot. Insignificant peons though they may be, now as it turns out I'm hot for them. I brought out some beers and we talked, and I explained how stupid and ignorant their position on Iraq was.

I think they want to ask me back to the Senate but they’re afraid, because they’re such insignificant nonentities. In this situation can't I ask them to leave Ned and vote for me as an independent?

Holly Joe

Dear Holly,

They’re capable of asking you all by themselves. Haven't you ever seen a porno? Or “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington?” Hope they get there before the pizza guy. But seriously, if they didn't pick up the vibe after the beer and scolding, it has nothing to do with you being their Beneficent Overlord. Time to stop and smell the bad news:

They’re just not that into you.

The "Maybe They Want to Take It Slow" Excuse

Dear Big Dog,

There's these voters who call me all the time. They’re recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, they call me all the time but don't ever suggest we see each other in person again. It's like they got scared of my Social Security policy or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff they wanted to take things slow. But they still call me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks.

What the hell should I do with these people?

Elle Ebermine

Dear Elle,

Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as electability obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I'm getting sleepy, it's hot, I'm going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I'll probably thrill to the news that your voters are taking control of their loves.

You, however, will still not be going back to the Big City With All The Monuments, because despite all your excuses for them, they’re still not asking you out.

Now, if you're a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like they’re just not that into you.

The "But He Promised He’d Campaign For Me" Excuse

Dear Big Dog,

I met a really cute voter at a bar this week. His tee-shirt said “Ned 4 Ever”, but he gave me his number and told me he’d really, really campaign for me. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can depend on his support, right?

Namre Beil

Dear Namre,

Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to campaign for you — or even return your call. Why don't you take Copperfield's number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.

"Give me a call." "E-mail me." "Sure, we’ll do a fundraiser. And maybe get you some free time on the Farm Report." Don't let him trick you into making an even bigger ass of yourself that you already have. When voters want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when voters like candidates, they make it really fucking clear.


The "Maybe He Forgot to Vote" Excuse

Okay, Big Dog,

Listen to this one: It was just before the primary, and I was sucking serious face with this organizer from upstate.

This guy. You might know him. I thinks he's, like, famous or something.

Isn’t he hot?!?

Anyway, we hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I swear, when something came up.

He explained that...

Honest... I ran out of gas.

I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare.

My tux didn't come back from the cleaners.

An old friend came in from out of town.

Someone stole my car.

There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts.

IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

So, y’know, since all this bad stuff kept him from calling or e-mailing me, now its OK for me to call him, right?

Leigh Berman

Dear Leigh,

I say this with love, but what are you, an idiot?. You said you work in different parts of the same State, and you have campaign material and a website, right? Even an unbelievably cheap and crappy site will do. Certainly he wouldn't have to break a sweat to browse to your site and find your number and e-mail . And should he not be as resourceful as you are...I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested.

P.S.: Shame on you for using an 1980 comedy classic as an excuse to call a guy up.


The "Maybe I Don't Want to Play Games" Excuse

Dear Big Dog,

This is dumb. I know you're not supposed to act desperate, but I call voters all the time because I don't care! I don't want to play games. I do whatever I want! Kiss Republican ass. Call my own constituents terrorists. Whatever. You're such a square, Big Dog. Why do you think we can't just demand voters do what we say, when we say, and that’s that?

Manjoe Berlie

Dear Manjoe,

Because we don't like it. Okay, some voters might like being ordered around, but they're called Fascists. And who wants to run with the Brownshirts? It's that simple. I didn't make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don't be mad at me, Manjoe. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.

Or maybe you're the chosen one.

Voters, for the most part, like to pursue candidates. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know we’re electing you to run the government, but that does change the fact that we like to feel that we’re in charge.


IT'S SO SIMPLE

Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to citizens, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be."

I know it's an infuriating concept — that citizens like to speak out and be heard and respected and you have to shut your massive hole and listen. I know you think it's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to demand, if you have to push, if you have to lecture them on how fucked up they are for not adoring you, nine times out of ten (with a plus-or-minus 6% MOE), they’re just not that into you.


(The Big Dog is pictured here using his legendary mack hand to ensorcel Oprah

and get her to daub her Magic Book Club unguent on his opus.

For the record, later he boned her like a brook trout.

And no, he didn’t call her the next day.

Or the day after that.

And yet still she waits...)