Sunday Mornin’ Coming Down – Part 1 of 2

In which Republicans Speak With the Pompitous of Love, and...

...first apologize to the Dear Leader after he Cheneys them repeatedly in the face.

...then whinge and waffle like a pillowcase full of boneless bedwetters, while Dems talk more-or-less straight and strong.

Really.

And remember, all quotes are approximate...or just made up. Which I will seriously consider not doing anymore, just as soon as the Party of God swears off lying at a scale that would make P.T. Barnum blush.

On FOX : “It’s Hard Out Here For a Simp.”

In which Republican Congressmen discover….Congress.

Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter and Republican Congressman Mike Pence “debate” how the Republican President’s “people” let him down.

Shorter GOP Alibi for Dubya's Ineptitude:

Bad staff! Bad, wicked, naughty staff!

And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment ... you must tie the staff down on a bed ... and spank them. Come!

Yes, yes, you must give them all a good spanking!
…
A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.

And after the spanking ... the unprotected Christian butt sex!

That had the Republican President had all the facts, he would never, ever, blah, blah, blah.

(Anyone want to wager that the Future Fox Lead Headline after, God forbid, yet another American city is crippled due to Republican incompetence would be: “Bush: No one could have anticipated the breach of port security.”)

How the Republican President was “ill served by an antiquated process” [Pence].

Lying, locksteppers who jitterbugged with Dubya right the fuck off the cliff, and for five years have smiled and shouted “So far, so good” as we reached terminal velocity.

And now they want to bitch about the view.

“I think the American people long for Conservative leadership on Capital Hill.”

It is to laugh. Really. And if I weren’t screaming and biting back the vomit, I would…

Dubya, we are told, is “still determined and focused.” No, it’s just that the Congress is stepping back up to its role. It’s “healthy, constitutional friction.”

Wallace: Yeah, but for five years you guys have followed the Party line? Why break away now?

Hunter: Hush now, heretic. Dear Leader is Great! He’s Wise. He is All Knowing. He is Sage. His Divine wee-wee makes the crops to grow, and his illiterate mangling of the King’s English is really the conjuring of shielding Majyks and the casting of warding Hexings that keep us all safe. He was simply let down by his staff.

Pence: [On whether or not the Preznit been high-handed and Imperial]. No. He is a man of strong opinions. Congress is beginning to assert its oversight role. That “co-equal” dealie that all the kids are talking about

Strong opinions indeed. Strong, stupid opinions.

Hunter: This President’s fucking busy! He doesn’t have time for a seven-hour meeting and hearings and stuff. He’s got India going, and Pakistan. Why the very orbit of the planet and the contiguousness of the Van Allen Belts depend on his eagle-like gaze and Undivided Unitary Executive Attention.

Wallace dismisses his Republican overlords with pair of brief but heartfelt blowjobs and gets on with the dirty business of introducing the Evil Liberal, Chris Dodd.

Wallace, quoting the fictitious “Some People” for the umpteenth time, says, “Some people think that the Democrats are clueless tubeworms that will fuck all this up and still manage to lose. Next on Fox…”

Insert a vid-quote by General John Abizaid, flanked by Prepublican Joe Lieberman and Republican Don Rumsfeld: “This is all ay-rab bashing. Tsk Tsk.”

Wallace: Well, you odious bigot?

Dodd: Shut up, Wallace. Dubya fucked this up. Yeah, some of the rhetoric on the edges was unfair, but this was nothing more than Dubya having to eat a big bite of the feculent falafel he’s been serving up to everyone else at every opportunity for the last five years.

Wallace: What about your wiggliness?

Dodd: Fuck you, you craven little bint.

Wallace: Where’s the Plan? Where’s the Plan?

Dodd: Fuck you, Wallace. We’re proposing a whole range of things, issue by issue, and if you ever paid us the slightest attention…

Wallace: But your Party has many opinions. Isn’t that Evil? Shouldn’t everyone goosestep along in perfect unison like another, much-more-wonderful Party I could name?

And then Wallace cites a doofy article from Slate.

Wallace: See? You all suck ass! You’re all awful. You’re all wretched. Right? Huh? Right?

Dodd: Nonsense. Now lets talk about important issues.

Wallace: No! Lets talk about how badly your feet smell!

And so forth…


On “Face the Nation”: Senator Obama (yay!) and Governor Mike Huckabee

I like Barack, and normally would’ve watched carefully, but I missed the whole damned thing.

Why?

Because, oh Lordy, that nice Russ Feingold fella is laying the smack down on…


This Week: Russ Feingold just KILLED, followed by Bill Frist, who shat all over himself trying remain non-committal while keeping his nose firmly lodged in the Collective Wingnut Ass-crack, as he is wont to do.

Feingold introduces a censure motion. On teevee. Smack in the middle of the weekly Politcal Scrum.

Bwahahaha!

Senator Russ: Every justification that Bush has put up to excuse his illegal wiretapping of American citizens has been laughed out of the room, and now we’re down to the Magic Imperial Powers of the President during war. I mean, if that’s the standard, then why couldn’t he just go ahead and assassinate anyone he wants?

Stephanopoulos: Well then, why not file an article of Impeachment?

Feingold: It's something we should consider. The President’s lawbreaking is right in the “strike zone” of High Crimes and Misdemeanors contemplated as impeachable offenses by the Founders.

Stephanopoulos: No censure in the Constitution.

Senator Russ: Doesn't matter. Censure votes have been taken before. Nothing prohibits them.

Senator Russ: The problem is that Congress is trying to gloss over this. Shrug it off.
...We didn’t repeal the Bill of Rights and the Constitution on 9/11. And if the Congress fails to act, then they are failing in their most basic, Constitutional responsibility.

Democrats cannot be meek about this. We can’t whiffle on about how we might get into trouble by talking about how the President broke the law and violated the Constitution.

Amen, President Senator Russ. Amen.

And comes the fat pitch right over the plate.

Stephanopoulos: Do you think Clinton should have been censured?

Bingo! And the penny drops….

Senator Russ: Maybe. Would have been worth talking about. But Republicans had such a monster fucking hard-on to impeach Clinton, and then maybe draw and quarter him in the public square along with his whole family that a mere censure was never gonna fly.

[Wait one full beat]

Feingold: And what Dubya has done so, so, so much worse than anything Clinton ever did. Openly and arrogantly breaking the law and thumbing his nose at the Constitution.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Senator Russ gets it.

We do not need to invent new Miracle Weapons or lexicons of new words to whip these slugs back under the rocks from which the crawled. During their Global War on Clinton they left vast caches of rhetorical ammunition laying around loose which can be turned against them with minimal effort.

Simply holding them to their own, wild, reckless words is more than enough to hang the lot of them.

And then, from the sublime to the ridiculous, here comes Herr Senator Doktor Frist who insists that a censure resolution is pro-terrorist.

Frist: Feingold only mentioned protecting the American people once. Why does Senator Russ want the terrorists to win? Doesn’t he understand that the Dear Leader never sleeps or eats like a normal human. He precipitates energy out the air. He is powered by the Happy Thoughts of his Subjects! And while Emperor Dewars is out fighting the Evil Doers everywhere across the entire spacetime continuum, whispering any criticism of the Dear Leader can cause a catastrophic interruption in his Steely Concentration.

Frist: A censure resolution weakens us abroad. Weakens our Commander-in-Chief. Any Bad Thing said about the Dear Leader saps our precious bodily fluids, and petty little speedbumps like the Constitution must be brushed aside in order to, uh, protect the Constitution.

The question Stephanopoulos should have asked, but did not?

"When Clinton was the C-in-C and was being impeached – not merely censured -- we had men and women in harm’s way in Iraqi. So, Senator, what was the GOP Party Line on whether or not you should've proceed at that time?"

On a ban on virtually all abortions….Would you sign the South Dakota bill?

Waffle King burbles on about his personal views and what would happen if, in some theoretical Universe, things were different, and we reproduced by mitosis.

Or something.

Jesus! This sneeze-guard is the GOP Standard Bearer?

Guest Worker Program: Yes of No.

Waffle King burbles on about maybe yes and maybe no in the longest fucking “Nested If”-statement to be found outside of Windows XP source code.

Honestly, I have seen mayonnaise stand its ground more firmly that Fristy.

And then over to...


“Meet the Press”. Where Senators George Allen and Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. are furrowed at by the Man with the Head of a Casaba Melon on whatever the hell Barry Bonds has been juicing with.

Timmuh: So, Iraqi…?

Allen: Tough going.

(Interrupted here by a phone call that made my day a little more forlorn that I had hoped.)

Biden: Would I vote for this war if I knew then what I know now? No. And people forget that we did not give the Bicycle Chief a blank check. We gave him authority to bring pressure to bear and to rally international support to bring Iraq into compliance.

Biden: I just had never believed that this Administration would run this war as incompetently as they have.

Biden: Other than timing, there is now no substantial difference anymore between Murthas plan and the White Houses.


Allen: Well standing up a gummint is hard. It’s hard work. You wouldn’t believe how hard.

Timmuh: But is has been three fucking years. If the Iraqi people cannot put together a unity fgovernment, what then?

Allen: They will. They will because they must.


And there is the line that shows exactly how thoroughly bereft of ideas and credibility the GOP has become.

Seriously, if I had a nickel for every idjit boss I’ve ever had that had backed the business into a corner and then asserted that we would get out of the mess he or she had created “because we must” but without stopping the idiocy that had gotten us into the fix to begin with I’d have, well, a lot of damned nickels.


Biden: The question is, “What have you traded Saddam for?” We have traded a dictator who was no threat to us for chaos.

Biden: I told the President, if your destroyed every single AQ operative on Earth tomorrow, you’d still have a massive war with a huge insurgency on your hands. A war that had nothing whatesoever to do with terrorism. The civilians failed the military, because we never did what we should have done.

Allen: Hey kids, let’s not get everyone all depressed that everything is bad. Sure it’s tough. Sure some things haven’t gone as planned. But if ah jus’sit here with mah lobotomized grin stapled to mah Botoxed face and dazzle you with mah meteor-proof hair and Clintonesque drawl maybe y’all will forget how utterly and completely and pan-dimensiaonally mah Party has fucked this thing up.


Allen (on Energy independence): We will need to unleash the minds of this country to solve the energy problems of this country! However because we are the anti-Science Party of a 6,000-year-old-Earth, I propose we lead the way in Creationist Energy Development, under my omnibus “Jebus Power” energy bill that some will one day nickname the “Sinergizer Bunny” initiative.

Simply put, it is my plan for harnessing the energy of the smiting of the wicked by the Almighty.

Since we know that God visits disaster on the deviant and faggy, I propose we surround our major, Liberal cities with windmills (should retribution come as a hurricane or tornado), hydroelectric generators (in case of Divine Flood), steam engines (Holy Fire) and high-capacity batteries (Thunderbolts).

That’s in the short term.

In the longer term, as Armageddon approaches, I have asked for Faith-Based funding to study the intriguing idea of “Final Days Flywheels.” We can attach 10,000-mile-long carbon monofilaments to the saved so that when they are taken up to Heaven, we can harness the Joyful Trajectory of these Rapture-guided missiles to spin up a million Jebus Wheels.

Timmuh: Asks Allen pointedly about Roe v. Wade and the overturning of same -- Yes or No – 138 times. Allen waffles and dodges like, well, like Frist. 138 times.

Biden: This Administration is dangerously incompetent. And for people who say that the Congress has done nothing either, lets remember that we -- the Democrats – put in substantial funding for port security in each of the last five years. The Republican Congress and the Republican President spurned it and stripped it out. Because their priorities are completely backwards.


Thus ends Part I.

In Part II...General Bernard Trainor (ret.) and Michael Gordon on “Meet the Press” discuss their book, “Cobra II: The Inside Story of the Invasion and Occupation of Iraq”.

Let's just say, if the video is available, I strongly commend it to your attention.