Vice President Chenenza

Shares his philosophy:

“Leave the gun. Take the commodities.”

The open mike on Cheney’s portable cardio-monitor/telecom/WiFi base station picked this up just before the Bad Thing happened.

...and boy that Scooter fella’s sure been a lot a’ trouble, eh Big Time, I mean with all of the leaking and stuff and that crazy memo he sent to the New York Times lady about the trees and whatnot, why I was just telling the missus just t’other day that that ‘ol Big Time probably havin’ to bank some long, long hours these days, what with the leaking and all and now that Libby fella’s sayin’ that you told him to to what he done and what kind name in “Scooter” anyway, ‘cause I think it sounds kinda faggy inf’nya ask me, no offense to your kin or nothing meant by that of course, Big Time, -- ‘cause I know one ‘a your little ones is a, well, a, lesbianite or something like that, ‘cause she likes girls and all – hey, who doesn’t! – but as I was tellin’ my missus…

(Shut up.)

…this Patrick Fitzgerald guy -- or were it Peter Fitzgerald -- well, one of those Fitzgeralds from Chicago and, boy-howdy, that’s where Don Rumsfeld’s from, ain’t it Big Time? which, as I was tellin’ the missus, is some loco weed stuff, him and Don both bein’ from Chicago or anyway, around those parts, and that Don Rumsfelds’s always sayin’ the craziest most embarrassing stuff, isn’t he Big Time? what with those spazzy kung fu moves he whips on the press whenever he’s on the teevee like he's Kato or Cain -- hey, did you see that Kill Bill movie, 'cause I wanted to, but the missus said it looked all bloody and fulla chinks and porno, so we never did. Bet Rumsfeld did; seems like the kinda movie he's like...and doesn't he think he's quite the yankee doodle dandy with alla that you-don’t-know-what-you-don’t-know-but-in-the-dark-it-sure-feels-like-mine weaseltalk, whoo-wheee, I gotta ask you, Big Time, I mean what’s it like to order lunch in a restaurant with this guy, ‘cause I gotta think -- and the missus’ll back me up on this -- that even getting, like, an egg salad sammich and some soup'd be just crazy 'cause Rummy’d be all “Well which is it, egg or salad? And what is an egg anyway, 'cept some arbitrary halfway point between nothing and a chicken? So how you just pick some point between nothing and a chicken and declare that, ‘OK, here’s where the egg starts.’, which brings me to the whole subject of soup, and why isn’t a very thin stew considered a soup, or a very thick, say, split pea soup with lots and lots of ham, why wouldn’t that be considered a stew…

(Seriously, you need to shut the fuck up now.)

…what with them having you on tape for all kindsa things like swearing you, like, never met that smug prick John Edwards, and then there’s that film of you standing next to him, or that whole “greeted as liberators”, “cake walk”, “dead ender”, “last throes” -- pardon my French -- “montage” they seem to be showing on teevee like they used to show the “agony of defeat” clip, and hey, how would you like to be that guy, with your life's worst fuck-up just showed again and again and again and again and again on every channel, which…well…OK, maybe you do understand what with that whole Iraq War deal you got going…

(I’m not going to tell you again to Shut. The. Fuck. Up.)

…and I hear – well, the missus hears (hehehe, you know how those hens like to gabble gabble gabble) -- that that Karl Rove fella –- who always gimme the creeps…just between you an’ me Big Time -- well he’s gonna dump this all on you, like Bush never even heard of Iraq, or Valerie Plame, or PNAC, or anything, and that can’t be good for the ol’ ticker, like I was telling the missus, I said, that Big Time, he’s had like 11 heart attacks and his arteries are all wearin’ stints like show girls wear fishnets, and all of this can’t be very good for that…

And that’s when the Bad Thing happened…

Cheney Accidentally Shoots Fellow Hunter
By LYNN BREZOSKY and NEDRA PICKLER, Associated Press Writers 59 minutes ago
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

Harry Whittington, a millionaire attorney from Austin, was in stable condition in the intensive care unit of a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday.

"He is stable and doing well. It was almost like he was spending time with me in my living room," said hospital administrator Peter Banko, who visited Whittington.
Banko said Whittington was in the intensive care unit because his condition warranted it, but he didn't elaborate. Whittington sent word through a hospital official that he would have no comment on the incident out of respect for Cheney.
…

Sure, Ok, I suppose “respect” is one way to put it.