July 4, 2007

"What the fuck do you mean 'subpoena'?"

The years and beers finally catch up with Dubya.

His physical and political collapse comes with Nixonian speed as his cronies fall, one by one, to special prosecutors, federal attorneys and a newly sworn-in and highly pissed of Democratic House, now loaded for bear and aggressively taking on the task of cleaning up the toxic witchbag of corruption, extortion, blackmail, bribery and High Treason that was the legacy of the last Republican House this country will see in a generation.

Now, virtually alone in the White House – except for his loyal, white-gloved Fundy retinue who feed him ice cream and Dewars and dutifully keep and catalog his urine for that special wing of his Presidential Library – Dubya grows increasingly paranoid, calling his Vice-President-In-Exile – Dick Cheney – who fled three months ago to his demesne in Dubai ahead of a truckload of warrants.

(“You told me this’d never fucking happen, Dick! That I'd never have to worry about this shit. Eight years and out was deal; I’ll sign anything you want and I’m set for life, but nobody touches me! I get to do whatever the fuck I want and get my face on the twenty and nobody touches me. That was deal asshole, and now these Liberals have served paper on me. Me!”

“Listen, George, there’s still a way… Wait a minute. Shit! George, tell me you’re not using a White House phone to make this call.”

“What the fuck does that matter now, Dick! Everybody’s gone or in jail or dead. I got little lawyers practically crawling outta the shitters here telling me I gotta be in court at such and so, and they don’t even know about…”

“Shut up, George. Don’t say another fucking word on this line, and you don’t ever call me again. I don’t know you.”)

Abu Gonzalez – himself barricaded in the Attorney General’s Office and under multiple indictments from two separate Grand Juries -- continues to insist that Cheney can still exercise his “magic co-unitary executive powers” to have “anyone he wants shot on sight for any-fucking-thing he likes” even while the Veep is in hiding abroad, evading extradition.

“It’s just another ‘undisclosed location’”, the feisty shyster yelled through the door at reporters. “We won the election, God Damn it!”

But no one listens to Abu G any more.

With fully one-third of the Republican leadership cutting deals with Federal investigators, and another third either on the run, in prison, awaiting trial or having committed .38 caliber sepuku, everyone knows how this will end.

In Iraq, local commanders have taken control of the situation on the ground, and despite a steady stream of increasing incoherent proclamations and “Executive Orders” from the White House to “Finish the mission”, are overseeing the orderly withdrawal of the remaining coalition troops still in Iraq, in coordination with the Provisional Military Command Authority now being run out of the Pentagon under the joint supervision of both congressional Armed Services committees.

With the noose now closing inextricably around President Bush, it now appears to be a grim race to see which will take its course first: The impeachment process, or the multiple criminal investigations that are now underway. However, one thing is certain: even though White House spokesmen, Fox News, a few remaining Republican loyalists and loyal Fundamentalists still speak publicly about how the believe George Bush will eventually rally, in private they confess that they know the end of the Bush Presidency is now measured in weeks. Perhaps days.

In fear for his life from roaming Christopath “Truth Brigades”, one Republican Senator, speaking on condition of anonymity, said:

“Why can’t he just resign! The longer he takes to get the [expletive deleted] message and walk away – pardon deal or no pardon deal – the worse this gets. Every day he stays in office is another year the Party will have to spend living this down.”

“Why the [expletive deleted] did we ever try to make that idiot an emperor,” the Senator added, vomiting into his hat. “I hear that Reid [expletive deleted] is calling him at night. Telling him that he needs to fight on. That the nation cannot do without him during these troubled times.

Holy [expletive deleted] do I hate that mother[expletive deleted] Harry Reid!”

Finally there are strong rumors coming out of NATO headquarters that in the interest of international security, unbeknownst to the Chief Executive and as a hedge against any possible last-ditch, “dead man” strategy to save himself, the so-called “Nuclear Football” has been replaced with a Kosmo Astro (pictured here)


duct-taped to a Wang 500/520 Schematic.