Human eyesore demands attention.

Look at me, God damn it!

When you make your living gleaning in the fields of other people’s talent, you need to have a care about remembering who the host is, and who is the tapeworm.

Doubly so when you cling to a peripheral kind of fame only by the buffoonish appearance you cultivated as a younger man and that now only looks unbelievably creepy to adults and, I would imagine, evokes nothing but primal, terrifying images the Homicidal-Clown (one of the lesser-known Jungian archetypes) in children.

Not that critics aren’t necessary, or that the craft of assessing the work of others cannot be, in itself, a High Art.

But when you are a completely superfluous cultural carbuncle like Shalit, perhaps you’d best tread lightly.

When you are fit for no kind of honest work…

When you exist -– one might speculate -- in a constant state dread knowing that you hang onto a paycheck solely by virtue of the fact that you have irrevocably adapted your digestive system to live exclusively off the orts that float around in the bizarre Entertainmentville meniscus in which you live…

When one careless flick of the wrong finger can break the celebrity surface tension that holds your whole Universe together and you can find yourself on dry land, dying-trout-flopping and fighting with Michael Medved for the last available bottom-feeder slot...

…perhaps you’d better tread very fucking lightly indeed.

And not say stupid shit like this.

GLAAD Mad at Shalit's "Brokeback" Breakdown

By Sarah HallFri Jan 6, 7:44 PM ET

For the most part, the critics agree that Brokeback Mountain is one of the year's most commendable films.

Then there's Gene Shalit's point of view.

The veteran Today show critic has been taken to task by the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation over his negative review of the gay cowboy western, in which he referred to Jake Gyllenhaal's character, Jack, as a "sexual predator" who "tracks Ennis down and coaxes him into sporadic trysts."

The group claimed that Shalit's statements, delivered during his "Critic's Choice" segment on Thursday's Today show, promoted "defamatory anti-gay prejudice to a national audience," and criticized NBC News for providing the eccentric critic with a platform from which to air his views.

"Shalit's bizarre characterization of Jack as a 'predator' and Ennis (Heath Ledger) as a victim reflects a fundamental lack of understanding about the central relationship in the film and about gay relationships in general," GLAAD said in a statement. "It seems highly doubtful that Shalit would similarly claim that Titanic's Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) was a 'sexual predator' because he was pursuing a romantic relationship with Rose (Kate Winslet)."
…
"Shalit has every right as a film critic to criticize Brokeback Mountain," GLAAD retorted. "But his baseless branding of Jack as a 'sexual predator' merely because he is romantically interested in someone of the same sex is defamatory, ignorant and irresponsible."
…

Three things it is impossible for me to care less about:

Paris Hilton’s analysis of international monetary policy.

Pat Robertson’s homicially deranged views on God.

And rustic opinions on human sexuality coming out of the follicle-bin of a has-been film blurb Pez-Dispenser that looks – for deliberate, market-branding reasons -- like he’s been cobbled together out of ass-hair and ear-wax.

So either shut up and do your funny dance, monkey-boy, or get out of town.