Second Avenue Freeze Out.

I tease and I tease, but no happy-ending for you, Citizen.

After months of speculation and fan-dancing, the former Governor and green-eyeshade-Sam-Drucker of Illinois politics -- Jim Edgar -- has decided not to run.

There is a rule in Illinois statewide politics that, like our own variant of the Name that Thing long-drive alphabet game, if you want to win in the Land of Lincoln, you’re name has to overlap the name of someone else in some significant way.

So, for example, with Jim Thompson, Jim Edgar, Jim Ryan, George Ryan all winning statewide office at one point or another -- and all two-degrees-of-moniker-separation from one another – it’s easy to see why Jack Ryan was tapped to run for the Senate.

Until the unfortunate revelations about him shopping his wife -– Seven-of-Nine (yes, that Seven-of-Nine) -- around at swing parties. Which, while creepy and more than enough to get him kicked from the ticket by the Cotton Mathers’ that run the Illinois GOP is, nonetheless, something that I must confess would at least cross my mind if I woke up one day and found myself Mr. Seven-of-Nine.

Not vending her against her will like fresh pie at whatever the prophylactic-intensive, post-AIDS, 21st Century equivalent of a key party might be -– I’m not a cad –- but at least running down the block once a week screaming at the top of my lungs that I was “assimilating” the hell out of that fine, Borg ass.

The fact they replaced Jack Ryan with Alan Keyes – the wildest cocktail of rantin’, Fundy, gay-daughter-bashin’ True Believer and snuffly Urkel Black Republican you can possibly imagine – says all you really need to know about the state of complete GOP dysfunction here. Some of them realize it -- know that the GOP in Illinois is in exactly the inverse position as the nation as a whole. That the corruption that boils out of the Democratic Party here every day would made an incredibly rich field of fire if only they had a decent candidate.

They’ve been waiting for their Once and Future King to return and take up his rightful, bland, fussy place at the head of the Party.

Looks like they waited for nothing.

This from the Tribune...

Edgar: No run for governor

By Rick Pearson
Tribune political reporter
Published September 30, 2005, 4:35 PM CDT


His eyes tearing up and his voice choking with emotion, former Republican Gov. Jim Edgar today declared "this is it" as he put to rest speculation he might seek a return to his old job.

Edgar also said he was ending any future dalliances with elected public office.

"After a lot of thought, a lot of anguish, we've decided I will not be a candidate for governor," Edgar said as his wife, Brenda, stood by his side.

The former governor spoke at a news conference at the Union League Club in downtown Chicago, attended by several former staff members, GOP governor candidates and allies of Democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

Edgar acknowledged that, in the past, he had said he would "never" rule out a return to public office. But then, two years ago, he suffered "technically, what was a heart attack." It was the former governor's first public disclosure of the incident. "Today I say never. This is it. This is my last political press conference," Edgar said.

Edgar's action immediately lifted a freeze that had fallen over the Republican campaign for governor, as potential supporters and donors waited to see if the popular, former, two-term governor would give up a lucrative career in private life to return to the public stage.

...

Why does this matter?

Because people like Jim Edgar. I liked Edgar. I wasn’t gonna vote for him, and I wasn’t crazy about some of his policies, but by the standards of Illinois he was a model of personal rectitude and fiscal responsibility. Memory buffs out the scratches and enhances the key elements of an Administration for good or bad, and people hereabouts hazily recall the Edgar days as an era of well-run government.

Because the current, Democratic governor -- Rod Blagojevich -- is such a featherweight haircut of a disappointment (who wants desperately to be known as G-Rod, but instead is known far and wide as Mr. Blagoo.) that any number of Dems I know were seriously hoping Edgar would run.

Because he was the one guy who I know for a fact really could have pulled Democratic voters into ticket-splitting, and a lot of the other “name” Republicans in the state have been standing around like so many porn film extras and fluffers waiting to see if former Governor Diggler was going to drop trou and plow and make this an epic, or walk away and let the tiny, furry army of squabbling leftovers fight for the scraps he turned down.

Because by bride’s-maiding around for this long, they made themselves look weak.

And looking weak and addled and stupid enough to stuff their short with M-80’s and then jump into a bonfire was something the Illinois GOP had already elevated to an art form.