And in All White Chick All the Time News…

…roving packs of wild hussies spotted prowling local golf course.

Should be considered blond and extremely saucy.

Film at 11:00.
And 12:00.
And 2:00.
And then again at 2:30.

WGN has finally given up any pretense of newsgathering and gone soft-core, but with a nice undercoating of faux Righteous Outrage to make it go down smooth. In fact it sounded a little like this – the most famous public stripper incident in history – as it was caught on tape, live, from the Lakehurst Naval Air Station on May 6th, 1937

“...their tits are practically standing still now. They've dropped their sassy skirts onto the seat of the golf cart, and they are taken a hold of down on the field by a number of men. It's starting to rain again; the rain had slacked up a little bit. The backsides of the ladies are just holding it, just enough to keep it from --"

"They have burst into lap dances! ... It's pole-dancing and it's naughty! It's naughty terrible! Oh, my! Get out of the way, please! They are, lap dancing, coming out of their bras and are spinning lewdly on the brass pole, and all the folks agree that this is terrible, this is one of the worst catastrophes in the world, oh the shapely gams are kicking, oh, four or five feet into the sky! There's smoke, and there's “funny, big-pants feeling” down there in the naught areas, now, and the feather boa is crashing to the ground, not quite to the stripper pole...Oh, the humanity, and all the men screaming around here!”

This from the ChiTrib

Residents protest golf gone wild
By James Kimberly
Tribune staff reporter

August 4, 2005

A recent gentleman's club outing in which scantily clad women performed provocatively for male golfers on a Naperville course has embarrassed the town's mayor and prompted a criminal investigation.

Naperville police said Wednesday they have reviewed a videotape recorded by a woman who lives near the Country Lakes Golf Club on the city's north side but found no evidence that crimes were committed. The golf event was sponsored by Blackjack's Gentleman's Club in South Elgin.
…
"We are doing whatever it takes to get a copy of this tape," Truemper said.
…
Naperville has an ordinance prohibiting public nudity and indecent exposure, but it is not a crime to wear string bikinis or short skirts on a golf course, police said.

Naperville Mayor George Pradel said he was embarrassed by the extensive television coverage of the golf outing. Money magazine last month rated Naperville as the third-best place to live in the country, the mayor noted.

"My heart is broken because this is a family city and I wouldn't want anything to disrupt that," Pradel said. "I'm a cheerleader for Naperville. This takes a little of the air out of my balloon."
…
Teacher Cathy Jaeger, who lives in a townhouse near the 16th fairway, shot the video that was broadcast by local television stations and reviewed by police.

Jaeger said she could see the women through the patio door in her living room. She said she called the golf course to complain and then called the Naperville police.
…
None of the officers witnessed anything that would be grounds for arrest, Truemper said.
…

Strippers!

Well I never!

OK, that’s not true. I haven’t not ever…but thank Jebus anyway that citizen-hero and local uptalking Gladys Kravitz – Cathy Jaeger – braved mosquitoes whizzing by her head (or at least smacking into her patio door) and hair-frizzing humidity that might have daunted a lesser busybody to smuggle out of the Naughty Bad Zone actual videotape of the horrible, horrible women who were teasing men in ugly pants while they spent their day knocking a little ball around a big green field.

That we as a nation have come to this!

Where even the country's private golf courses -- where the nation’s most pointless, privileged and ridiculously acreage-intensive sport is played – are no longer safe from Hollywood Elite something-something Culture War something Lascivious, Faith-unfriendly something Nudie Chicks threatening the Humors and Precious Bodily Fluids of America’s bank vice presidents and real estate moguls.

And, of course, what about the children!

And thank Jebus double-time that WGN bravely showed the frottage footage, and tsked and eye-rolled and shook their fat collective WGN heads in shame.

Not since seeing “Guernica” on a field trip to the Art Institute when I was a wee lad have I been so horrified and moved. I smell Pulitzer. Or at least one of the coveted AVN Awards (The “Willie” which, if it isn’t called that, it should be). Take that laurels-hog Jenna Jameson!

Local cops promised they would “keep reviewing” the tape, presumably until the video wore out, or their “nightstick” hand cramped up.

And as the article takes pains to point out (near the end), “None of the officers witnessed anything that would be grounds for arrest.”

This is, hands-down, the non-storiest story I have seen in weeks. No crime. No suspicion of a crime. Just some jiggly footage of a few strippers that the morally bereft local news monkeys wedged onto teevee by following it with windy moralizing and dopey speculation.

Still, it is a good day when I get to read the mayor of Naperville say, “This takes a little of the air out of my balloon," in reference to a story about scantily-clad women.

And it is a VERY good day when I get to hear ace WGN pie-faced newspuppet Juan Carlos Fanjul (pronounced "Fanjul!" ) say – with all the sadness that Herbert Morrison mustered when reporting the destruction of the Hindenberg -- “…trying to putt on the 16th hole with some woman’s business right in front of his face.”

Oh no! Not her business.

In other, actual news, the flag-draped coffins of men and women who have died because of the lies and treason of the Bush Administration still cannot be photographed or shown on teevee.

No film at 11:00.