No Ribs, Shrimp Cocktail or Voting for You!

The Sky God Commands It!

No kidding, the world really does just get better and better…


This from WorldNet Daily…

Fed-up Christian families moving toward 'secession'
Group attracts over 700 members in past year as citizens begin transplanting to S. Carolina

Posted: July 3, 2005
By Joe Kovacs

A year after suggesting possible secession from the United States, a group of Christians fed up with American laws they believe are at odds with the Bible is beginning to move to its target state of South Carolina.
ChristianExodus.org has attracted more than 700 members from across America since WND broke the news of its inception last May, and already a half-dozen families have picked up and transplanted to the Palmetto State.
…
Calling the legalization of same-sex marriages in Massachusetts the straw that broke the camel's back, the group was inspired to concentrate like-minded Christians in a single area to influence local laws, with secession a possibility. Recent Supreme Court decisions regarding the seizure of private property and the debate over the public display of the Ten Commandments have only served to strengthen the resolve of many.
… "The 'conservative Republican' party has let the people who have worked to get them elected down repeatedly. The latest 'filibuster disaster' regarding judicial nominees is a case in point. Basically, a handful of Republican senators decided to cave in to the liberals, again. We believe that this can only be turned around with a concentrated effort in one state."
But is splitting away from the U.S. a serious option?
"The thought of secession is a last resort strategy," Sawyer said. "We hope to work within the system as much as possible in order to restore a true constitutional government."
…

"I'm about as patriotic as anyone you'll ever meet," says Charles Lewis, who moved his family of four from the nation's capital for the opportunity to raise his children in a wholesome, Christian-friendly environment. "However, the secession option is firmly in the Constitution – it's the linchpin of the whole thing, [the] ultimate safety valve."

Nevertheless, Lewis' love for America remains clear.
"The USA is God's country, the greatest nation of modern times," he told WND. "We've fed the world, fought its wars, sent out more missionaries to spread the word of God than any other. Our Declaration and Constitution were divinely inspired."
…
The group is planning to hold a conference the weekend of Oct. 15-16 in Greenville, S.C., to include speakers and vendors such as real estate agents for those considering a change in residency.
…

Bwahahahaha!

Pleasepleaseplease, oh God, please all of you move to one, easily-quarantined state, where you’ll only get two barking mad, Dominionist Senators using the Constitution as ass-floss.

Is there a special Displaced Pinheads fund I can contribute towards? An Evil Jerry’s (you know the one) Kids telethon for Acute Theological Dystrophy where I can call in and donate?

Shit, I’ll help you pack and drive the van, because, hey, someone’s finally figure out what the problem is with these United States: We’re just not batshit, ignorant, wingnut, Christopathically insane enough.

Or perhaps, just maybe, given their tenuous and fearful notions of Science, they’d accept some really inexpensive tickets to emigrate to Mars. Lotta cheap land on Mars. And no stinkin' Liberals. And I hear the climate’s exactly like Aruba.

I believe most of the details were worked out by Cyril Kornbluth in the early 50’s in “The Marching Morons”…

And past that, where oh where does one even begin?

Well…perhaps with this ---

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A Proclamation (to be read in a Big Bass voice while talking though a box-fan and accompanied by a theremin…)

Citizens of Jesusland:

We come to you from a faraway place called the 21st century.

We have studied your Talk Radio and 700 Club transmissions for years and have learned your language.

We would like to reassure you that we Come in Peace and that you have nothing to fear from the Strangely Non-White Appearance of some of our crew or our tolerant ways, but since we know that's not going to happen… let’s just say shut up and listen or you risk Dire Consequences.

‘“Imminent” dire consequences,” you may ask?

We do not know. We thought we had a pretty good handle on what “imminent” meant until he who we call the Bewilderingly Feeble-minded Fucktard Number One started disassembling it.

Let’s just say that we’re both Grave and Growing and leave it at that.
Anyway, on to business.

Our world is much like your own, but is not covered with Life that a Sky God pooped into existence over a long weekend.

Instead, Life on our World slowly and beautifully “Evolved” over the course of a very, very long time. Following a few, simple rules, humble single-celled organism grew into a panoply of Life so complex and so abundant that we cannot even count and catalog all that exists now, and that is only a minute fraction of all Life that ever existed.

We find much of our idea of The Divine by contemplating the awesome forces that made all of this – and all of us – possible.

The reason Life could “Evolve” on our World is that our World is over four billion years old – not 6,000 – and is not the center of the Universe -- which is itself, in fact, around 12 billion years old.

We do not reckon the Beginning of Time by counting up the “begats” in a book written as allegory and local genealogy by pre-Aristotelian goatherds who had never traveled more than ten miles in any direction from the place they were born.

Instead we use “Science”, and with our “Science” we have pierced your “clouds” with our advanced auto-gyroscopic craft and aeroplanes and rocket-propelled space chariots and bring you word directly from your Sky God.

Your Sky God has asked us to sternly remind you that, while there is much mention in the Holy Book of anointments and annunciations and “the elect”, there are, in fact, no Free and Fair Democratic Elections mentioned anywhere within its pages. In that vein, the Sky God wishes to thunderously underscore that, like Evolution, Germ Theory, the Speed of Light, Heliocentrism and Jug Band Music…if it isn’t in The Holy Book, it is the work of Satan!

The Sky God commands, therefore, that you cease this most wicked and perverse practice “voting” -- which is an abomination in His Eyes -- and get back to His True Work: the stoning of those who eat scallops, touch footballs, say “Yahweh”, and so forth.

The Sky God said that He would be Most Angry with those that did not heed His Command, and that if you wanted to see just how fucking fast you can go from Pillar of the Community to Pillar of Salt, you should go ahead and show up at a polling place next election and just see what happens.

The Sky God just dares you to try it. Double-God dares you.

To prove His Word, the Sky God has carved these instructions on some rocks; a feat that no mere man could possibly accomplish.

Also the Sky God says you should fear his terrible, terrible Wrath, and that you should give us your cash, watches, jewelry, deeds, bearer bonds, pensions, letters of credit, letters of transit, bus tickets, lucky rocks, fine fat pigs and Social Security Checks as, uh, Love Offerings.

Hallowed be His Name.

The Sky God then went back to his High Place, so don’t try to find him or ask him any smartass questions about any of this: His High Place is over five thousand feet above sea level -- so near the Dome of Heaven than no human can visit it and survive!

And now we must bid you farewell, Jesuslanders, and return to the 21st Century.

Remember to heed the Dread Admonitions of the Sky God and be very, very afraid of the Violent Smiting he will dish out if you get anywhere near an election judge ever again.

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