Guess our Political Party.

No, go ahead. Guess.

Hey Kids! Who’s up for a rousing game of “What’s My Political Affiliation?”

This is a kind of obscure article, but it has two of my favorite elements: Quivering, pudding-pop politicians retracting their support of a non-binding, no-cost resolution for something gay-related and yet another “Family Institute” that's creepily obsessed with harmless gay behavior.

I have interspersed a little of my own commentary in call-and-response form, but I have blocked out the political affiliation of the people involved.

I know it’s breaking-the-Enigma-code difficult to figure out, but do your best.

This from the Sun Times:

5 County Bd. members drop OK of Gay Games
July 21, 2005
BY STEVE PATTERSON Staff Reporter
The Gay Games are apparently not as welcome here as some thought.
Last month, Cook County commissioners unanimously approved a measure welcoming the Olympic-style games to Chicago next year.

But since then, five of the 17 commissioners have yanked their names from that welcome.

Now, the Illinois Family Institute is urging its con*****tive supporters to pressure Democratic commissioners to join Re*****can Gregg Goslin, Liz Gorman, Carl Hansen, Tony Peraica and Peter Silvestri in withdrawing support.

"There's a big difference between tolerating and celebrating homosexuality," said the Illinois Family Institute's Peter LaBarbera. "For governments to be using taxpayer money and big corporations spending money to sponsor this, we think the average Joe sees that as being just a little bit off."

Well, can’t be a Republican, right?

Since no “government taxpayer money” is involve in this resolution, that would mean that statement would be a gay bashing lie, and we know Republicans would NEVER use lies and gay-bashing for partisan advantage.

And where but in the Bizarro Universe would a Free Marketeer get off telling “big corporations” who they can and can’t sponsor?

And I think I caught a typo. I think the copy-editor misspelled “bigoted, chittering inbred registered voters" as “average Joe".

The Gay Games Sports and Cultural Festival, with competitions open regardless of sexual orientation, will have its seventh celebration here next summer, and after a welcome from Mayor Daley, the county and state issued official welcoming proclamations.

But Peraica -- who is running for County Board president next year -- said "I must have been out of the room" when that happened.”

The mystery deepens. Note the use of the vintage George H.W. Bush Iran/Contra Sergeant Shultz Defense. To wit, “I know nothing. I was out picking up Reagan’s dry cleaning when everyone else in the Executive Branch decided to sell arms to terrorists to fund an illegal war. I know nothing.”

"It's just not in keeping with my personal beliefs," he said. "I'm a pro-family kind of person and con******ive on social issues. That's nothing against the gay and lesbian community, but it's nothing I want to advance as a cause celebre."

Ah, notice the functionally illiterate use of French-sounding “cause celebre" to describe passing a routine proclamation.

'Noncontroversial'
Gay Games spokeswoman Tracy Baim said the Re******an backtracking "wasn't surprising," and she "was actually more surprised when they" voted in favor of it.

The welcome, included among routine proclamations before the board, "didn't carry with it anything substantial, other than civic pride," so she said it's "noncontroversial in our minds." But Commissioner Mike Quigley, who sponsored the welcome and will play hockey in the games, said, "It's a blinding bias and animosity that is overriding human interest, job creation, economic development and the whole spirit of athletic competition."

Gorman said she doesn't support "special rights for any group," while Goslin, Hansen and Silvestri could not be reached for comment.

That would be, in this case, “special rights” to a non-binding proclamation of support, I suppose. Much like the eight jillion other non-binding proclamations that legislative bodies pass every day in of support of everything from aardwolf groomers to Zydeco bands.

Damned that sinister Zydeco Band Agenda for ruining this country. Damn it to Helll!

Article Ends.

Again, I can’t really be mad at these douchbags for their douchbaggery. They are, after all, Republicans. And to be a Republican Politician these days means you either have to be outright Santorum/DeLay Christopathically insane...or a Quisling with the ethical aptitude of a serial subway masturbator and the intellectual horsepower of an anemone in a bucket of Everclear.

And thus, by little steps like these, the Party Of Lincoln decides to go 100% Stalinist Retro Chic.

Fine.

At least the Falwells and DeLays of the world are honest about their profound hatred of their country. They are Proud Christian Taliban, who leap on the open wound of every tragedy like the plague vectors that they are and try to blame every single thing that is wrong in the world on Liberals. Or Evolution. Or “Feminazis”. Or “tree huggers.” Or "queers".

Or "kikes and niggers" when the door is closed and the coast is clear.

However if you are a Moderate Republican, you are not as bad as these despicable cretins: you are vastly worse. It is you stinking, gutless Moderates who will not stand up for you country and your culture against the scum in your own party who are personally responsible for the disease that wrack our nation. It is you who make the criminality of your Party Leaders possible.

After the first London Bombings, a lot of people in this country asked, “Where are the Moderate Muslims? Why aren’t they speaking up? Why aren’t they confronting the despicable men who are acting in their name?”

A worthwhile if poorly-premised discussion, but before we gallop off on that Hobby-horse, what about answering the question, “Where are the Moderate Republicans? Why aren’t they speaking up? Why aren’t they confronting the despicable men who are acting in their name?”

You Moderates are the Johnny Fucking Benches of political glory-hole Catchers, just squatting there, taking any and all anonymous bigot’s diseased State’s Rights pecker right down the gullet. And then bending over for a smooth scabbarding of Fred Phelps scabrous Gay Bashers Percheron pecker right up the Rove Hole.

Then spitting them out and mopping up all that Bush Bukkake for the five minutes every day that you put your pious, public faces on and lecture the rest of the world on how awful it is that they won’t confront the awful people who spout such awful things.

Then you step off-stage, wipe off the Christian Clown Makeup and throw yourselves enthusiastically onto James Dobson’s Man Sword.

Then you rinse and repeat every fucking day.

So seriously, Moderates, just between us, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

What is the correct medical name of particular congenital mental malfuction that lets you go into a voting booth and vote for racist, hatespewing pigfuckers? And then hide under the bed like a retarded puppy that has already shit all over the Constitution nine times in a row and yelp that you didn’t know. That you had no idea these people were like that.

Hell at least a North Korean apparatchik has an excuse: he lives in a police state and can’t leave or access any other information. You, on the other hand, you despicable, cowering Feculoids, you choose to be that way. The raw truth about who runs your Party and what their really agenda is right there – one channel, one newspaper or one mouse-click away, and you choose to hide from it.

You already live in a Democracy, and yet you actually choose to hand over your country -- one piece and one election at a time -- to monsters who tell you to your face that their goal is to raze our nation and erect a Fundamentalist Theocracy on its grave.

If nothing else, isn’t is just plain exhausting being such spineless hypocrites?

Seriously, are you just plain roadkill stupid? Because for some strange reason I would take a lot of reassurance from that. That you're not the traitors that you appear to be. That you're not the racists to whom you so eagerly pander and with whom you so persistently consort. That you all – all 51 million of you – are really just too fucking stupid to notice the truth. The obvious truth. The really obvious Truth.

The 2+2=4 truth about the Bush Administration that practically beats your teeth down your throat each and every day...

... and that you keep insisting -- through the bloody splintered mess where your mouth used to be – that you just don't see.