Roger Corman made a lot of crap...

...but even he never thought, "Hey! Let's remake Vietnam!"


For the record, I have been duly informed by Dear Leader’s Pravda Media that Iraq is not Vietnam. Which is true, I suppose, in the sense that we no longer have any Cronkites to tell us the truth…so we have to rely on John Stewart. So this is not commentary per se; it’s just for my own personal consumption, officer.

And the excerpts from herein today’s NPR story from Iraq were not perfectly transcribed by me, even though the snippets are contextually accurate. I just jotted them down as well as my poor skills make possible, along with a line or two from today’s newspaper…and then unfairly them interlaced with lines from “Full Metal Jacket” and “Platoon”, just as little experiment.,

Not a deep x-ray, just ripping a few headlines as the pass in front of busy me on a busy day and tossing them in a blender with some good, popular, cinematic writing on Vietnam to see how it tastes, even though I’m sure it’s intensely un-American or badthinkful or something along those lines.

So not commentary, officer -- I swear, I wasn’t dealing or nuthin’ -- buuut if I were, say, scripting my low-budget version of the last three years of “Dick and Don’s Excellent Adventure”? And I was such a cheap bastard that I decided to “repurpose” or “recycle” (or do we just say “Biden”?) some of the Main Plot Points and dialogue from some of the cinematic classics of The 10,000 Day War? Then maybe this is how I would outline the story.

First, we must have a clear, sober-eyed assessment of the reality of the situation by those in charge:

“We will be greeted as Liberators.”

“We are here to help the Vi-et-nam-ese, because inside every gook there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.”

“Mission Accomplished”

OK, I gave that one away giftwrapped, but to continue, next comes the very difficult job of the occupier trying to make the occupied love him:

“Day after day the US Soldiers work the streets trying to win over the local populace.”

“A group of American soldiers step into the sunshine armed with smile and newspapers.”

“Joker, I've told you, we run two basic stories here. Grunts who give half their pay to buy gooks (or is it ay-rabs?) toothbrushes and deodorants — Winning of Hearts and Minds--okay?”

“…are on what they call a meet-and-greet operation”

Then there’s the job of taking on the hidden enemy who can strike at will and then melt away into a population who’s Hearts and Minds have maybe not so much been won over:

“It’s a giant gang war & we’ve got the biggest gang.”

“Well, the ones I'm... I'm fighting at are some pretty bad boys. I'm not real keen on ... some of these fellows that are . . . supposed to be on our side. I keep meeting 'em coming the other way.”

“They were willing to stay in place and die with no hope. All they wanted was to take us with them.''

“These are great days we're living, bros!' We are jolly green giants, walking the earth…with guns.”

Then comes the Rising Action: to support a tactical objective by commandeering a private residence and explaining the brutal realities to the locals in no uncertain terms, even though they don’t speak your language…

[“We need to be (here) for two hours.”
“You’re not leaving. Nobody’s fucking leaving. You fucking try anything, I’ll turn your fucking ass over to the commandos and they will fuck you up.”
“Don’t say that. You shouldn’t say that.”
“That’s what I tell them all the time!”]

[ What about all that fucking rice and the weapons ... who they for?”
“This cocksucker knows what I'm saying ... don't you Pop?”
“You're goddamn right he does!”
“He swears he doesn't know anything! He hates the (resistance) but they come
when they want and ...”
“He's lying through his teeth!”
“Waste the fucker, then see who talks.”]

Then the Tragic Dilemma: The frustration at not being sufficiently appreciated for trying to help people…on who’s neck you are also happen to standing. In this case, some young men have ripped up the newspapers that the soldiers have handed out.

”I mean, we're getting killed for these people and they don't even appreciate it. They think it's a big joke.”

“When a guy tears a paper up in my face, he’s blatantly disrespecting everything we’re trying to do here.”

“We're supposed to be helping them and they shit all over us every chance they get ...”

And then one day the cognitive gap between what we Wish Were True and what is Actually True becomes an abyss too wide to bridge. Then comes the “Fuck It” moment…

“Well, at least they died for a good cause.”
“What cause was that?
“Freedom.”
“Flush out your head gear, new guy. You think we waste
gooks (or is it hajis) for freedom?

This is a slaughter.”

Fade to Black.