Bill Pryor sez, “You can fuck the Constitution…”

“…you just can’t use one of these to do it.”

William Pryor: Unfit to Serve. Part IV.

This has been repurposed from earlier comment(s) made elsewhere by yours truly, as well as scraps of ham and waxed-paper and bits of yarn I found laying around Castle Driftglass and have stitched together (Castle Driftglass is now five days and still telephone and DSL free. I’m posting this from a Close-And-Play rig which I had to con a nine-year-old out of, so I gotta hurry; he left crying, saying he was going to get his daddy.)

On the minus side, it’s once again depressingly current.

On the plus side, I get to talk about dirty stuff and can still plausibly file it under “hard-hitting analysis” for the IRS audit that I just know is coming :-)

The Poon-ic Wars continue…

Proving once again that you can't spell "Fundamentalist Theocracy" without r-a-c-y and f-u-n and m-e-n-t-a-l, the Supremes have recently upheld another preempting strike against people having harmless naughty-bad-jollies. This time, it is a direct hit to what I literally cannot stop myself from calling…The Bikini-Area Atoll.

The Supremes have kicked to the proverbial curb a challenge to an (wait for it…waaait for it…) Alabama (Surprise!) law that made it a crime to sell sex toys. No word on whether possession might also one day be considered a crime…although that’s a stop-and-frisk I’d pony up some real, almighty Euros to see on Pay-Per-View.

On the plus side, YOU Mr. & Mrs. America have lived to see the day when a Google search of alabama+dildo+supreme+court will yield over 8,000 hits.

On the downside, I will never ever be able to use the phase “You can have my ________ when you pry it out of my cold, dead ________” again without smirking horribly.

In this fictional report’s opinion, Small Government Republicans have now crossed the line between being just thinkin’ the puss-puss region is kinda cute and mebbe we could, y’know, go out some time, to actually, obsessively stalking other people’s genitals.

For those keeping score in your madrasses…
A) The Earth is 6,000 years old,
B) Creationism is Science,

and now were using your own tax dollars to...
C) Ram Jebus down your throat and,
D) Yank that Demon Vibrator right outta your cooter in one sweet move.

When asked his opinion, the not-real Pastor of the fictional Church of The Busybody of Christ said, “Iffn Jebus hadda wanted folks to pleasure ‘emselves onna piece a’ plastic, he wouldna oughta made sniff hounds so Damn Purdy!”

Has paranoia over who or what is really slaking the lusts of the Hot Flowers of Southron Womanhood reached a critical mass again?

Has shame over their tiny, desiccated Picketts made life for the Oddly-Shaped-Penised-Men of the Red States too humiliating to tolerate any further competition from the mail-order monsters at Good Vibtrations?

When asked, the now-clearly pissed-off fictional Alabama Pastor shrieked, “Jebus made Adam an’ Eve…not Massive Black Vibrating Dong an’ Eve!”

When this reporter asked if the fact that the pastor’s own tallywhacker compares unfavorably to, say, a tiny, origami toad made out of a Sugar Glider’s eyelid, might not be the real source of his frustration, the pastor said, “Wassa ‘or-gamee’? Sounds like somethin' dirty. Kin ah look at it!?”

The wholly fictional Man of the Cloth (Well, OK. “Man of the Wal-Mart Generic Facial Tissue”) then began rubbing his crotch furiously -- and futilely -- and calling for his sniff hound. “Here, Coulter. Heeeere, gurl.”

Members of the Alabama State Legislature were contacted earlier in the day for their reaction. However they have apparently abandoned language altogether in favor of some combination of pre-verbal grunting, pointing, free-form fecal sketching, GOP-straight-ticket-voting and Confederate Flag semaphore that is untranslatable to outsiders.

As of this writing, Artificial Reporter and Vibrating Presidential Anal Plug, Jeff Gannon, could not be reach for comment.

So why do I clutter up your Sunday night with all of this lascivious battery-operated, little-man-in-the-boat’s-bestest-buddy talk?

Well, first, because it’s just plain fun.

And second, because the Alabama Attorney General that pursued the case with all the deranged relentlessness of Ahab and the ludicrously-over-the-top zeal of Inspector Javert was one William H. Pryor, Jr.
To go out of his way to nominate Pryor to the federal bench, as George Bush has done, is to state with unambiguous clarity that Christian People’s Republic of Alabama is your ideal template of what America should look like.

If you agree with that vision of our future, damn you. Damn you to the very same hell to which you want so desperately want to consign everyone that does not think and act and believe and vote exactly like you do. Your every word and deed is an insult to the Christ you claim to adore.

If you do not believe that America should be forcibly converted into a Conservative Evangelical Procrustean Confederacy, then you have no business being a member of or electorally consorting with the modern Republican Party.

It’s as simple as that.