Touch your Willie...

...lose your wife?

This is from Sandrover over at Daily Kos:

“The following is a summary of the Constitutional Restoration Act proposed by Republicans in the 109th congress that makes it possible for the Congress to charge any judge with a crime who disagrees with the concept that all law, liberty, and government comes only from God.”

This Act has the sponsorship of Senators Sam Brownback, Richard Burr, Larry Craig and Trent Lott and 18-19 House Rats. And, yes, it says they want to make it a crime if judges aren’t sufficiently submissive to God and, presumably, his Chose Party.

All of a piece. All part of the plan

So before the Schiavo Debacle all goes down the Wingnut Memory Hole (along with such fabulous hits from yesteryear such as, “Hello Mr. Liberator”, “Let’s Bring it On” and the Village People’s class Iraqi War justification anthem, “Y? W-M-D!”), let’s take a moment and examine the implications of another one of the many amazing-yet-largely-unnoticed Theocratic leaps forward of our age.

Right off the bat let me say watching tubby, whiffling, little man-children work up the nerve to shout out loud about matters that go on between grown-up men and women – much less husbands and wives – was, among other things, really kind of funny. Their weird, flatly-affected, Dork War on Reality would be purely comedic if they weren'tso intent on scuttling off with the Constitution.

Also the specter of very-recently small government Republicans going all-in on the most massive intrusion of government into the private lives of citizens in memory is ALMOST as scary as watching Law-n-Order conservatives bellow that they don’t have no use for no stinkin’ judges or courts, ‘cuz they be can’t be trusted. 23 of them heard this case – even the Conservative Supremes told the family to please fuck off three times -- but, magically, they’re all wrong.

In other words, would anyone care to take a wild guess why the Senate all of the sudden got interested in making it a crime for judges not to bend a knee to Divine Authority?

Very “28 Days Later”: millions of leave-me-alone Republicans suddenly and frighteningly mutating into raging cultists who now are demanding the creation of a rectal-exam-intrusive Theocracy to get all up into everybody’s most personal, private and sacred business.

And frothingly irrational about it too --
All the doctors: wrong.
The court appointed guardian: wrong.
85% of the American public: wrong.
Husband: not only wrong but sadistic and greedy.

Which leads us to this Exciting Wingnut Moral Breakthrough: Once you stray -- even if your wife is brain dead and comatose – Bang! You lose all your spousal rights. Instantly. Now let’s pause for a moment and see where exactly in the boggy heart of Jesusland this road takes us.

First, to my knowledge no law or court or tradition the History of the Universe has ever held this to be anything other than a ludicrous, childish notion...but I could be wrong, and WTF, we’ve already dispensed with courts and such already. We now accept the Rule of Divine Pique and Whim as the arbiter of all things, which is sweet...as long as it’s your pique or whim that’s being fiatted into the lives of other people like a red-hot crowbar through a snow bank. Not so much fun if you the one are Catching and not Pitching...if you catch my drift.

Second, this is going to come as a rather seismic shock to the somewhere between 40-70 percent of men and 22-40 percent of women that have had or will have extra-marital affairs, including Paul Wolfowitz, Henry Hyde, Newt Gingrich, John Kennedy, Bill Clinton, my Dad, Jimmy Swaggart and, well, lets just say it’s a really, really long list. But, hey, getting a little on the side now nulls and voids your marriage. Talk about a “quicky” divorce!

So from the ranks of socially retarded creatures who have never gotten within hair-sniffing distance of a real woman, God has apparently chosen his new Prophets. The Almighty speaketh to them, and they waddle to the basement window and tell the Waiting World. His wonders to behold.

Like the Pope, really, except the Pope’s Mommy didn’t keep pounding on the papal bathroom door asking, “What are you doin’ in there so long?” If you catch my second drift.

So with regards to this exciting, new adultery-terminates-the-marriage dictum, one must ask certain clarifying questions. Such as, does that include online affairs?
Or porn?
Or what if it’s exclusively oral sex?
Or hand jobs?
Is it penetration only?
Kissing?
Petting?
Third-base?
If you get a little sloppy action at a bachelor party?
If you have a thing for feet or getting your fanny Bill Bennetted, does that count?
Or if you fantasize while having sex with someone else while with your spouse?
Or if you “lust in your heart”?
Or if you’re cruising on the DL but not, y’know, queer or nothin’.
Or getting’ freaky with your blow-up Ann Coulter Doll (Now with extra-large Adam’s Apple and kung-fu grip)?

Honest opinions really do differ widely...but remember we have cast aside courts and judges. In this brave new world of the rule of Right Wing Caprice we have only the Delphic powers of our own Porky Prophets to rely on so, absent death itself, please do tell us the exact moment at which spousal privilege is severed?

Tell us all.