Friday, May 20, 2016

Madame Noonan's House of Palmistry, Tarot and Zinfandel



On the way to her Salon of Whispery Beltway Secrets, Madame Noonan teetered through the halls of her co-op, conducting an impromptu tour of the place.

"The Death Mask of St. Ronald Reagan," she intoned breathlessly, nodding at a pile of old towels on a milk-crate end table.

"The original Black Grimoire of Newton Leroy Gingrich," she said reverently, indicating a Washington D.C. metropolitan phone-book from 1977.

"The Secret Sex Dungeon of Rutherford B. Hayes," she shuddered, pointing to a wicker basket full of old pantyhose.

Finally she arrived at a small card table on which sat a box of Fig Newtons, a souvenir coffee mug from the set of "This Week with George Whatshisname" full of dried out pens and blush brushes, and a glass of wine the size of a birdbath.  She pounded the wine like a pro --



-- and then stared blearily into the lees and made strange, dramatic movements with with her hands which were either meant to conjure voices from the Other Side or keep her from tipping over.

"Many things, I see," she said melodramatically. "Many things."

Let’s begin with a prophecy: It is not only the Republican Party that is breaking and perhaps re-forming. The Democratic Party is also starting to come apart. We’re seeing the first signs of it now. ... Here’s what I suspect is coming whatever happens this year. Just as a portion of Republicans—nobody knows how big—will break from the GOP over Donald Trump, some percentage of Democrats, especially among the affluent will, in the next cycle, start to peel off from their party over its lurch leftward. They will not be at home in a party of smiley-face socialism that threatens to become actual socialism. They will not want the American economy destroyed. They will not be comfortable in a party that supports the most extreme political correctness; they do not want their 10-year-old daughters using transgendered bathrooms with men. They will find themselves increasingly opposed to the political correctness that has swept the universities. They will have increasing qualms about spending $60,000 a year to have their bright, kind children turned into leftist robots. 
...
So they will start to split off from the Democrats, and they will find the Republicans who split off in 2016, and together, in 2020 or so, they will attempt to create their own party. It will be pro-growth, moderate on social issues, more or less neoconservative in its foreign policy. It will be smallish but well-heeled. It will try to hold together and grow. 
That is my prophecy...
"And thus shall the Royal Road of Both Siderism lead inevitably to the Imaginary Third Party of my dreams!" Madame Noonan slumped back into her chair, exhausted by the power of her mighty vision. 

Her hand trembled as she poured herself another catchment basin of wine.

"And when exactly is all of this supposed to happen?"  I asked. 

 "Meh," she shrugged. "Let's say five or ten years after everyone forgets I wrote it.  That usually works."

She dropped her voice and looked suspiciously around the room. 

 "By the way, have I shown you Rutheford B. Hayes' sex dungeon yet?" she asked. "He died in there you know. Died."

14 comments:

bowtiejack said...

"They will not be at home in a party of smiley-face socialism that threatens to become actual socialism. They will not want the American economy destroyed. "

So true! If people besides the rich have money, what's the point of life? I mean really? Research has shown the poors have telephones and even refrigerators in which to keep their turnips, roots and berries. My God, what more do they want?

Paul Wartenberg said...

Anyone notice these points:

"It will be pro-growth..."

That means tax cuts and deregulation for rich people.

"moderate on social issues..."

We'll pretend to be nice on abortion, birth control, and people who don't look whitish!

"more or less neoconservative in its foreign policy."

We'll bomb our enemies! But more discreetly than before!

"It will be smallish but well-heeled."

It'll be the Republican Establishment, whatever's left of it, but the part that still has billions of dollars to waste in Presidential campaigns for 2020!

/headdesk

there is nothing in her view of that Third Party that even speaks to Democrats or Moderates in any meaningful way.

dinthebeast said...

I hate to tell Miss Peggers this, but they already did split from the Democratic party, some time ago. Some call them narrow-minded bigots, others call them Republicans, I myself don't call them at all to increase the probability of them not actually showing up with the transphobia, overt campaign against the use of good manners, and pants-shitting, conspiracy-driven paranoia she so carefully describes. Funny, I never managed to get that crazy on alcohol alone...

-Doug in Oakland

trgahan said...

Should Trump pull off the improbable, I can't wait to read Noonan et al. as they drop all this “Don’t Blame Me, but liberals still suck!” 3rd party crap and rush to describe the fine, fine clothes their new naked emperor is wearing.

Robt said...

I really hope Peggers isn't expecting a tax exemption for her prophesying.

Reading her is a glimpse into the entitled world of superiority through wealth and how the elites must hire people to speak to the lower (unclean, unworthy) class.

Neo Tuxedo said...

the transphobia, overt campaign against the use of good manners, and pants-shitting, conspiracy-driven paranoia she so carefully embodies.

Fixed that for you, din.

Davis Statton said...

Is this alcohol-induced dementia? It's a serious question.

Kath320 said...

"It will be smallish but well-heeled." Is this a new political party or the latest Spring line from Coco Chanel?

Robt said...

Ancient wisdom for Peggers;

Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.


Confucius Say.
Drunk woman's words
Often sober woman's inept thoughts.

Confucius Say.
Joke is just like sex.
Neither any good if you don’t get it.



Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

Now where is my multi $million contract to write for the GOP?

banker puppy said...

"They will not want the American economy destroyed."
The economy tanked in 2007-8 largely due to a lack of regulatory oversight, which is the centerpiece of the R's platform, not the D's. Strike one

"They will not be comfortable in a party that supports the most extreme political correctness; they do not want their 10-year-old daughters using transgendered bathrooms with men."
There is no evidence to support any claim that their daughters are in danger. None. And no evidence to suppose that this issue is important enough to change political affiliation. Strike two

"They will find themselves increasingly opposed to the political correctness that has swept the universities. They will have increasing qualms about spending $60,000 a year to have their bright, kind children turned into leftist robots."
Noonan attended Fairleigh Dickinson in the late 1960's and early 1970's. I found a couple of scanned-in FDU student newspapers from that time on the Intertubez, and it appears to have been a politically left-of-center institution. Yet Noonan didn't turn into a 'leftist robot,' even though she should have if her so-called prophecy is correct. Strike three

Grab some bench, Noonan.

lordprivyseal said...

OK, let me get this straight: we can't allow transsexuals to use bathrooms consistent with their gender identities on the off chance that some pedophile might attempt to masquerade as a transsexual to get into a women's bathroom with a little girl. The danger, no matter how small, is too great!

However, if an Angry White Male Real Murikan gunman should KILL said little girl along with 20 or 30 of her classmates (a thing that has actually happened), well, that's a price we're willing to pay For Our FREEDUMB! Gotta defend ammosexual rights.

How does this make sense?

Don P said...

"moderate on social issues..."

They all got a nice, gay niece/nephew; but as for as a transgender family member, hey if we had one we disowned them YEARS ago amiright?

RUKidding said...

Noonan:
I was strolling up 5th Avenue after my 10 martini luncheon, and some random taxi driver swerved across 3 lanes of traffic to stop near to my most excellent presence. The driver appeared to be a swarthy lad with beard and mustache, possibly one of those "hipsters" one hears about these days.

The taxi driver shouted to me: "I recently underwent gender re-assignment surgery, but I completely agree with your kind! I should continue using the Ladies' public bathrooms to do my business because that's what it says on my original birth certificate."

I breathed a sigh of relief. At least some of the riff-raff understand the more refined and rarified feelings of their financial betters. If only others of this deplorable species could do the same as that fine young man, er, woman, er, HIC!!

Unknown said...

"...some percentage of Democrats, especially among the affluent will, in the next cycle, start to peel off from their party over its lurch leftward."

In true pundit fashion, this is offered without even a shred of evidence. No evidence is needed, of course, as it is self-evident. That is, if you see thru these special prescription GOP blinders that all pundits are issued.

Nooners has no idea what Democrats think. What gives her the idea she can prognosticate for them? I don't beleive that the GOP is going to split apart either.

This is all self-evident nonsense. Issued forth inside one of the "premier" media institutions in the USA. For which they pay Nooners huge sums of US currency.

I expect to see the Stay-Puft Mashmallow Man any seconds, because we are in the end times of mass hysteria.