The great wheel turns...
On the first day of my 11th blogiversary fundraiser, the blogging gods brought Andrew Sullivan back from True Conservative Valhalla so he could go on teevee and say remarkably stupid things for my amusement.
And on this, the last day of 11th blogiversary fundraiser, the blogging gods have once again visited Mr. David Brooks in the night and "inspired" him to write what may be the most spectacularly ridiculous piece of Whig fan fiction in his long and profitable career of cranking out ridiculous pieces of Whig fan fiction.
The blogging gods are often cruel, but they are always entertaining.
Today, Mr. Brooks imagineers out of thin air an entire army of public-spirited Reasonable Republicans who will infiltrate the Republican convention in July cleverly disguised as party hacks but then -- surprise! -- cast off their fake George Wallace noses and Pat Buchanan wigs just in time to rise as one! A veritable League of Extraordinary Whig Gentlemen! ("The Lincoln Caucus"):
Or they could choose the collective path.This is the path that recognizes that the situation we’re in now is more like a parliamentary process than a presidential process. Even very small groups can have an amazing influence over big candidates who are trying to build a majority coalition. Think of the way small Israeli religious parties extract concessions from the much larger Israeli parties.So I’m suggesting some number of delegates organize themselves into a caucus called the Lincoln Caucus. The Lincoln Caucus would not be an explicitly anti-Trump caucus or an anti-Cruz caucus. It would just be a caucus made up of delegates who are not happy with the choices currently before them....
Earth's mightiest imaginary Conservative heroes who will remake the GOP exactly as David Brooks wishes it to be:
The first thing the Lincoln Caucus would do is plant a flag for a different style of Republicanism. Members of the caucus would remind the country that there still are Republicans who believe in prudent globalism, reform conservative ideas to lift up the working class. There are still Republicans who believe in certain standards of polite behavior in public and pragmatic compromise.
And either save the party from ruin:
This process would bring the Trump and Cruz campaigns back toward the Republican mainstream. It would create a road toward party unity after one deal or another was reached. It might go some way toward heading off a general election debacle.It would also create a democratic path toward a Republican nominee who is not Trump or Cruz...Mostly, members of the Lincoln Caucus would stand up for the legitimate rights of the party. In our republican system, it is parties that choose nominees; not primary voters. Parties are lasting institutions that manage coalitions, preserve historical commitments, protect us from flash-in-the-pan demagogues and impose restraints on the excessively ambitious. The Lincoln Caucus would embody these legitimate institutional responsibilities.
Or, wait out the Trumpocalypse in David Brooks' Justice League World Headquarters and emerge from the rubble to lead the survivors towards a brighter, Whiggier tomorrow:
If the Republican ticket gets devastated in November, members of the Lincoln Caucus could say, “We stood for something different,” and they’d be in a good position to lead the rebuilding process.
Or, failing that, make their escape via Mr. Brooks' hot air balloon and settle on the Moon, which will be be very hospitable to their Whiggish ways once the King of the Moon is sufficiently placated:
So that is what Mr. Brooks was paid actual money to write today in America's newspaper of record.
But when I read it, in my head it sounded a lot like this...
Wealthy Shut-In Who Has Always Trusted David Brooks: Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?David Brooks: What do you mean, miss?Wealthy Shut-In: Oh I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!Brooks: Sorry, I'm on, uh, book leave until...whenever.Wealthy Shut-In: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this party what I purchased not twenty years from this very boutique.Brooks: Oh yes, the Republican Party. What's wrong with it?Wealthy Shut-In: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!Brooks: No, no, it's resting, look!Wealthy Shut-In: Look my lad, I know a dead party when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.Brooks: No no sir. it's not dead. It's resting!Wealthy Shut-In: Resting?Brooks: Yeah, remarkable party, the GOP. Ended slavery, don't ya know.Wealthy Shut-In: 1865 don't enter into it - it's stone dead.Brooks: No, no - it's just resting!Wealthy Shut-In: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouts at Fox News) Hello Republicans! There are fascists and theocrats taking over the place! Why don't you wake up, pretty party!Brooks: (dashes off another column about the GOP "detoxifying their brand") There, it moved!Wealthy Shut-In: No, it didn't. That was you pulling shit out of your ass!Brooks: I did not.Wealthy Shut-In: Yes, you did! (takes party by the scruff of the neck, shouts) Hello Republicans, Republicans (bangs it against the counter) Reasonable Republicans, wake up. Republicans. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead party.Brooks: No, no. It's stunned.Wealthy Shut-In: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That party is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not twenty ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long penis hunt.Brooks: It's probably pining for Gerald Ford.Wealthy Shut-In: Pining for Gerald Ford, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?Brooks: The Republican Party prefers being laid back! Awesome party! Very sensible!Wealthy Shut-In: Look, I took the liberty of examining that party, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting upright in the first place was that you have been propping it up with bullshit columns for twenty years.Brooks: Well of course I kept it propped up. Otherwise its, uh, awesomeness would have overwhelmed its basic Conservative humility and voom.Wealthy Shut-In: Look matey this party wouldn't voom if you put four million Eisenhowers through it! It's bleedin' demised!Brooks: It's not, it's pining!Wealthy Shut-In: It's not pining, it's passed on. This party is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its Reagan. This is a late party . It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't been propping it up it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and gone to join the Know-Nothings. This is an ex-party.Brooks: Well, I'd better replace it, then.Wealthy Shut-In: If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth. And you've got to be rich. Really, really rich.Brooks: Sorry guv, we're right out of Republicans.Wealthy Shut-In: I see. I see. I get the picture.Brooks: (pause) I got a Whig.Wealthy Shut-In: Does it talk?Brooks: Not really, no.Wealthy Shut-In: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it!
Not much of a replacement at all.
Podcast will go up later today.
And the tip jar is open for business.