Thursday, November 05, 2015

He's Consulted All The Sages He Could Find In Yellow Pages

But there aren't many of them...

From ABC News:
Ben Carson's Unusual Theory About Egyptian Pyramids

Republican front-runner Ben Carson reinforced his longstanding belief that Egyptian pyramids were built by the biblical figure Joseph to store grain. Archaeologists have long asserted that these tombs were constructed for pharaohs.

"It’s still my belief, yes," the retired neurosurgeon told reporters Wednesday at a book tour stop in Naples, Fla. "Well, the pyramids were made in a way that they had hermetically sealed compartments. You would need that if you were trying to preserve grain for a long period of time."

Carson first articulated his theory at a 1998 commencement speech at Andrews University, a school founded by Seventh-day Adventists.

In the commencement video, Carson laid out his theory that the pyramids were constructed for grain storage.

“My own personal theory is that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain,” Carson said in the video. "Now all the archaeologists think that they were made for the pharaohs’ graves. But, you know, it would have to be something awfully big if you stop and think about it. And I don’t think it’d just disappear over the course of time to store that much grain."

He continued: “And when you look at the way that the pyramids are made, with many chambers that are hermetically sealed, they’d have to be that way for various reasons. And various scientists have said ‘Well you know there were alien beings that came down and they have special knowledge' and that’s how —- you know, it doesn’t require an alien being when God is with you.”
"Scientists" also theorize the Washington Monument was built as a scale model of George Washington's actual penis, which was approximately 55 feet long, made of marble, granite, and bluestone gneiss and in the shape of an obelisk.

Many "historians" now believe that Washington's epic junk was instrumental in winning the Battle of Yorktown, was appointed as America's first official ambassador to Russia and made Martha Washington very, very happy.

Of course, Dr. Carson has to believe that God miracled the pyramids into existence, doesn't he? Because the alternative would be to acknowledge that some government somewhere built one of the Seven Wonders of the World.  Something awesome which has lasted 6,000 years and which people still marvel at today.

Yes, the Department of Education is certainly going to have some wild times under President Carson. At least during those first few months before he shuts is down completely and declares Wingnut Sharia Law throughout the land.

I've also been told.
Someone in the know
Can be sure that his luck is as
Good as gold.
Money in the bank and you don't even pay for it
If you fold
A dollar bill in the shape
Of the pyramid that's printed on the back...


Barry Mauer said...

The moon is also made of cheese. And we need to make sure the Russians don't steal it.

bowtiejack said...

FYI, pyramid silos is not the first bit of oddness to well up from this particular religious fount.

"The Seventh-day Adventist Church is the largest of several Adventist groups which arose from the Millerite movement of the 1840s in upstate New York, a phase of the Second Great Awakening. William Miller predicted on the basis of Daniel 8:14–16 and the "day-year principle" that Jesus Christ would return to Earth between the spring of 1843 and the spring of 1844. In the summer of 1844, Millerites came to believe that Jesus would return on October 22, 1844, understood to be the biblical Day of Atonement for that year. When this did not happen (an event known as the "Great Disappointment"), most of his followers disbanded and returned to their original churches."

It was called the Great Disappointment because in 1844 many of the Millerites sold or gave away all their belongings and went to wait on hilltops to be raptured. No wonder they changed the name after the way that turned out..

trgahan said...

Actually compared to what a conservative candidate must pretend to firmly believe about government and our country to even get double digit voter support...believing the pyramids were giant biblical granaries is pretty tame. Though seems like a awful lot of stone for a series of chambers that couldn't hold more than a single harvest's worth for a dozen people.

But still a frightening look into just how anti-intellectual the modern American conservative movement is and proof objective reality in the public square was murdered sometime after the second World War and now the American Right is just pissing on the corpse.

John Taylor said...

After Republicans read this, Ben's standings will go up 5 points.

OBS said...

Pyramid power!

Grifter Ben is comedy gold.

DrBB said...

>And various scientists have said ‘Well you know there were alien beings that came down and they have special knowledge' and that’s how —- you know, it doesn’t require an alien being when God is with you.”<

I mean, it's a pretty standard trope to cast your nutball theory as a bold vision over against those hidebound academics who just don't see (it's so obvious!) that the Washington Monument is, as Drift says, modeled on the founder's ginormous penis. But when the unseeing traditionalists you pick for your schema are the guys who write for Ancient Aliens, I think your wingnuttery has truly achieved escape velocity.

Lawrence said...

Ben, The Pyramids get you a free granary in every city. But not in all versions.

waldo said...

Bizarre, grotesque and creepily malevolent, that Mr Carson has any standing at all with the electorate is deeply disturbing. That said, W was elected 1 1/2 times.

bluicebank said...

Ben, the power of Yul Brynner compels you!

Now stop stabbing yourself with that cross.

dinthebeast said...

I sleep in a pyramid
And I visit a shrink
A bum in a cave
Said he thought I could think
I eat what I am
And I'm not overdressed
I can't understand
Why I'm sometimes depressed
Lighten up McGraw
You're efforts of lead
All those words in your head
Lighten up McGraw
You're a helium brain
Jog a mile in the rain
Best of luck
Come again

"Lighten Up McGraw" by Crack the Sky

-Doug in Oakland

Robt said...

If carson's "belief" causes him to theorize the pyramid grain bins.

He now should now be required to explain why they chose to bury (entomb) the leaders inside with the grain?

There was historical findings that provided evidence to who those entombed were. They weren't farmers receiving burial subsidies from that big government liberal Horus or that tax cut for the rich Ra.
Does Carson have any notable scripture, historical data, church doctrine to suggest those vitamin enhancers aren't causing side effects?

Ben has another,
"it was a regular man (with the power of God) that built the Ark, where it was smart men that built the Titanic."

2 tragic accidents,
Global warming survivor Noah had Rhino's gouge holes in the Ark causing it to sink and the negligent captain steaming into an iceberg that tears it open.

Oh yeah,
Have you heard about the story of Captain Noah having his ship the "Valdez" struck by Moby Dick?

Jimbo said...

Mind boggling to be sure but at this point I am convinced he is now just trolling his followers for shits and giggles. For example, where did he read that regular scientists believe that the pyramids were built with alien technology? Like nowhere that's where. I used to live in Egypt and have been in quite a number of pyramids. The famous ones at Giza were the latest evolution of several earlier types that were much cruder and less classic pyramid type clearly indicating experimentation with the form over a very long period of time. I think aliens would have been just "Here are the plans, dude, build it this way."

Potatohead said...

Hey DG. I read every day. You are awesome. I've been busy, and that's a good thing and a bad one. There is more I want to say.

Sadly, I see DRM on the site now. Ugh... It's not anything you are doing, just a move to make things a little more difficult to share and talk about. Thought you might want to know. Firefox won't always display the DRM videos. Sad day.

I should write an e-mail... On the last podcast, I heard: "the work you do as Driftglass..."

Man, it's good work. I can't tell you how many times I've shared the great "shit in their hair" type analogies to make points people do find compelling. You are quite frankly, brilliant at this.

And an awful lot of fun.

I'll get something into your "feed me" box soon. Totally worth it. Keep it up. I would be lost without you, among others, helping to provide a little oasis of sanity in a bizarro world.