Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Cronus is Disappointed With His Crappy Children

File Under, "Everybody wants to rule the world".

According to Greek mythology...
KRONOS (or Cronus) was the Titan god of time and the ages, especially time where regarded as destructive and all-devouring. He ruled the cosmos during the so-called Golden Age, after castrating and deposing his father Ouranos (the Sky). In fear of a prophecy that he would be in turn be overthrown by his own son, Kronos swallowed each of his children as soon as they were born. Rhea managed to save the youngest, Zeus, by hiding him away on the island of Krete, and fed Kronos a stone wrapped in the swaddling clothes of an infant. The god grew up, forced Kronos to disgorge his swallowed offspring, and led the Olympians in a ten year war against the Titans  before driving them defeated into the pit of Tartaros.
Just substitute "Lincoln" for Ouranos, "clowns-who-would-be-king like David Brooks" for Kronos and "The Christopath and Teabagging Horde" for Zeus and his siblings and you have a pretty fair understanding of what has been going on inside the GOP for the last 30-40 years.

It is by now no secret that the Party of Lincoln's electoral strategy since the Age of Nixon has been to rid itself of every vestige of Lincolnism and openly embrace the paranoia and rage of Judgement Day snake-handlers and Confederate States of America dead-enders; to eschew the moderate vocal stylings of Dwight Eisenhower and go all-in with intoxicating demagogy of Joe McCarthy.

And so long as it worked, clowns-who-would-be-king like David Brooks were perfectly content to let the rising tide of Conservative bigotry and fear and Hippie-punching lift his boat very, very high indeed.

But then one day, after years and years of planting the seeds, harvesting the crop, grinding the grain and baking the electoral bread, Little Red State Fundy finally got tired of handing the fruits of her hard work over to rich, parasitic Conservative Brain Caste assholes like David Brooks who made it abundantly clear that he really never give a shit about her rustic theories of Welfare Queens, Creationism, guns, Sekrit Commie Hippie Plots, ho-mo-sexuals, Death Panels, End of Days, Bill Ayers, the New Black Panthers, ACORN, Pigford or the Kenyan Usurper anyway.

It's almost like David Brooks doesn't even bother to listen to Rush or Sean at all!

And so, unable as she may be to comprehend the concept of "the means of production" and unaware of the supreme irony of doing so, Little Red State Fundy has nonetheless gone on strike, wresting control of the GOP's Vote and Propaganda Factory away from its absentee owners and dictating terms like a Wobblie.

At which point, Cronus glanced up from his copy of "The Year's Best Whig Alternate History Fiction" long enough to notice Little Red State Fundy was sawing his balls off .


Which of the servants has been letting the hillbillies onto the grounds at Belle Haven!

Steps must be taken!  

Someone must be sacked!

And in today's distinctly un-"Detached" passive-aggressive hissy fit over immigration reform, the Conservative David Brooks makes clear that he knows exactly what needs to be done:   The Conservatives Movement needs to get rid of all those damned Conservatives!  

Another interesting question is whether a major political party is going to consign itself to permanent irrelevance. If conservatives defeat immigration reform, the Republicans will definitely lose control of one thing for years to come: political power.

For the unpardonable rudeness of acting on the very beliefs that Mr. Brooks' Conservatives Movement has been using to bait them into voting booths since the Age of Nixon, Conservatives must be shooed away from the cameras and the actual levers of power and back down to the GOP's electoral sweatshop where they belong.

Which, if nothing else, is damn funny.

Also surprisingly lyrical...
And when you lose control, you'll reap the harvest you have sown.
And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone.
And it's too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around.
So have a good drown as you go down all alone,
Dragged down by the stone.


JerryB said...

I suppose I shouldn't take so much joy in watching chickens come home to roost but I do. This slo-mo self destruction has been interesting to watch, though I do worry about the damage this flailing beast might accomplish before it dies.

The "Animals" reference reminded me of Brit-Com "Yes Minister". As I've gone back and watched episodes in recent years it's striking how relevant they are to our politics. It's an incredible show with some of the best writing in TV history and eerily pertinent. I guess no matter where you go you still find Human Beings being, well, Human Beings.

John said...

As usual, I agree with your sentiments.

But your source on Cronus was a bit in error.

Cronus (Κρόνος, sometimes transliterated Kronos), son of Uranus and Gaea, is not the same as Chronus (Χρόνος, sometimes transliterated Chronos), Time.

They did become confused in later times...to such an extent that Father Time (Chronus) today carries the scythe with which Cronus the Titan (the other guy) castrated his father.

But originally, they were separate.

The Romans identified Cronus with their own native god, Saturn. You have to check out Goya's "Saturn Devouring his Son."

John said...

Ya know, I just had a second thought. Only an idiotic pedant would post a comment like the one I just posted here.

driftglass said...


We Obots care not for your "facts" :-)

John said...


Well, apologies anyway.

It's funny how much easier it is to be an annoying jerk on line than in real life. When will I learn that?


Pinkamena Panic said...

John, idiotic pedants keep the Internet going.

Batocchio said...

John beat me to the Goya. (Goya never intended it to be displayed, but damn, it's striking.) Perhaps I can interest you in a little Rubens as well?

Anonymous said...

Good morning, Mr. Glass.

Two things.

1. In Mr. Brooks' paragraph beginning, "First, immigration opponents are effectively trying to restrict the flow of conservatives into this country", did you notice the implications that liberals have higher incarceration rates than conservatives, don't place high emphasis on career success, and have weak worth ethics?

2. As for the final paragraph, maybe Mr. Brooks has covered it in previous columns (you'd know), but I noticed a distinct lack of WHY Republicans were against all these awesome things that his column was about. Does he not have theories? Does he have theories, but not want to express them?

It seems like a kinda crucial component to fixing what he thinks is wrong with the Repbulican party.

---Kevin Holsinger

driftglass said...


Thanks. I did notice that and it is what immediately pissed me off about this column. But as I wrote things went a different direction and I found I could not fit it into this piece w/o it looking tacked on.

Ahh. Art in the morning