"After a date, how long should I wait to call
the sweet, sweet babies
oh Lord?"
And the Lord said: "Three days.
And Moses said: "Really? Three days?"
And the Lord said: "Three days is standard.
See? I even wrote it down for you and everything."
And Moses said: "But what if I really like her?"
And the Lord said: "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the world ?!"
And Moses said" "Okey dokey, then. Three days it is."
Which got me to thinking, when commenter parsec asked in the post below...
“Enjoyed all of it, including the Midwest Teen Sex Show. "The Older Boyfriend" segment got me thinking, though. Instead of 25 I'm 55. And after my girlfriend moves back to Redstate to retire I may be living in one of those vans if my career arc and the economy continue the way they're going. Any 55 and over van sex etiquette tips? Preferred make or model? Parking spots for good action?”
that while I know so very little of the ways of the Auto Erotic Casanovan (think about it...), I did wonder if we couldn't possibly help a brother out -- help all the brothers out -- with perhaps just a soupçon of more general advice for the
slightly
shop-worn
lovelorn?
F’rinstance, if asked, I’d start with Teh Maths -- "Half your age plus seven years" -- because most guys get rules.
So if your intended is
within that space of years
between your age today and half the time
you’ve been punching clock
in this vale of tears
(plus seven),
you won't make Baby Jebus sad.
That's the rule for the younger Libidinous Liberal Lass.
For the Progressive Cougar – or Prougar -- the rule is shorter.
It is "Yes".
If she does it for you and is throwing you the steal sign, for God’s sake,
rumble, young man, rumble.
Other useful oddments I happen to have laying around?
Screw philosophy and theory; if you behave honorably, like a gentleman, alla that other stuff will either magically sort itself out, or you'll at least be able to live with yourself if it all goes spectacularly wrong.
So how do you, y'know, actually do that?
Thought you'd never ask...
1. Within the bounds of courtesy and context, be as clear and honest about what your interests and intentions are. It will save you such a lot of shit down the road.
2. You're nobody's savior. Neither is she. If you discover salvation in her arms (or in the naughtier latitudes) that is terrific. Seriously. But if you start out all breathless and excited that you've Found Him or Found Her -- the one who is going to Complete You -- you are dooming yourself. Don't imprison your partner in that tower, and don't let them strand you there either. It cheats you of your gloriously flawed humanity, and over time your partner will come to loathe and then try to saw off all of those splendidly inconvenient parts of you that don't happen to be incongruent with their Savior Template.
3. STFU and listen. Sincerely and attentively. You will hear stuff that will come in really, really handy later. If you can't be bothered to listen, then do the Universe a favor: just close the door, throw on "Lords of Acid" and wax your bishop by yourself.
4. Talk about what delights you, because your eyes catch fire and your voice takes flight when you do. That's your Best Self, and your Best Self is 22% hotter than you are, and generally better at PR.
5. Talk about what delights you about 14% less than you really, really want to. Because after you hit a certain, highly-concentration monological threshold, your Best Self is a boring ass fanatic.
6. If you have been clear, honest and courteous, you will have much less to apologize for in the long run. Again, I am a laaaazy man and this just saves a ton of time so if, for example, the subject of Commitment has come up, and you have been unambiguous (but never unkind) about the fact that you have no urge to marry or co-habit, and she starts hinting loudly about "Where is this relationship going?" tell her "Right here and not a whole lot further".
If she is looking for more and you can't give it, for her own mental health she needs to move on and find what she needs elsewhere.
She'll cry. You'll cry. That's life.
7. If you have not been honest and clear about your intentions and limitations, or have misled her, then you're simply a prick and/or coward who deserves to be loudly branded as such by her, and flogged for being such by your Best Self, who will be deeply ashamed of you.
She'll cry.
If you’re any kinda man, you'll cry.
That's life.
8. If you're a gentleman, and you're just looking to get laid, sorry but all of this still applies, just in shorter intervals.
So what do you all have to add?
And don't worry; once I take your comments, file off the serial numbers, sell their collected wisdom to Maxim's for an obscene amount of money and move to St. Thomas, I will look out of the door of my Caribbean beach front castle every day and remember you all.
Vaguely but fondly :-)
27 comments:
Marriage suits me, I guess. It means I don't have to be thinking about how cute that girl is when she sits down next to me on the bus, and brushes her arm against me. Or I can think it, and I can enjoy the thought. Knowing that I'm not going to do anything, but enjoying it anyhow, and knowing that she is too, because she's clearly aware of what she's doing, and that's just fine, and then we're at the bus stop, and we both get off and go opposite directions.
The end.
Dave Barry once described a male's fear of committment as acknowledging that if they ever committed, and then were offered to join a hot tub full of swimwear models, they would have to decline.
However humorously he made the point, I think it's a valuable one. People have a sad tendency not to committ: to a career, to a person, to a course of action, because they think opening that door closes all the others.
And yes, it does. However, standing in the hallway, not opening any doors, waiting for the hot tub of models to come along... that gets you NOTHING.
Going through doors is how we learn to go through doors. And these will not be the only doors, ever... they will be the means to more doors. Not the same doors, certainly.
But standing in hallways only offers the illusion of door potential, because if you stand in the hallway long enough, those doors start closing by themselves.
That's when things start getting cold and dark, and people run madly down the hallway, desperately searching for a door, any goddamn door, while their heart pounds and their legs shake.
But they're out of shape, now, and have never really developed their door entering skills.
And let me tell you, that hallway only looks infinite.
THis is a great post! As a woman, I appreciate everything that you've written. It applies to both sexes, really. I was about to send it on to a friend, but she just went through #7 and this might cut too close to the bone.
Do the same rules apply to rich beach dwellers in St Thomas, or is there a more, shall I say, work-a-day system there?
pwapvt
This is advice I should have had 20 years ago. I'm happy now, but I have a trail of dickishness and naivety laid out behind me. At least I have the opportunity to pass these nuggets of wisdom on to my sons. Thanks.
-PP
Seeings how I am only a few years behind him and was actually living in a van for a short while just last year let me give you one piece of advice;
Try to stay sanitary, OK?
That alone is a BIG DEAL when trying to mingle with the opposite sex.
Trust me on this.
Anonymous said...
Do the same rules apply to rich beach dwellers in St Thomas, or is there a more, shall I say, work-a-day system there?
Well, most people are innumerate (numerical version of illiterate) and don't do odds.
I love Drifty's rules! Especially about the Best Self... which is what should be operating in love, or what's the point?
It's been my experience that many people think True Love was made up by poets and movies... until it happens to them.
Well, God said to Driftglass, "kill me some Repub bums"
Drifty said "man, you must be putting me on"
God said "no"
Drifty said "what?"
God said "you do what you want, Drift, but next time you see me coming, you better run!"
Drifty said "how do you want this killing done?"
God said "with truthful words, on a website, son"
Habitat-Vic (with apologies to Mr. Zimmerman)
Werebear - PERFECT! That is a keeper (and so probably are you.)
Truly, words to live by. In my own experience women have been more durable than they get credit for. If you refrain from using them as punching bags or a means of deficit spending whatever else happens is generally all to the good. I've remained on good terms with the various exes over the years and most seemed better off for the experience, however long the relationship. It's the beginnings that are always tricky.
parsec
The Midwest Teen Sex show producer is a friend of mine, and he's a native Chicagoan - actually he's living just out of town in Woodstock currently, for financial reasons.
Their show is getting some much-deserved online attention, "blowing up" maybe even, but they're still super-poor low-budget filmmakers, so anything that can be done to encourage them - site traffic, donations, referrals, positive feedback - would, I'm sure, be highly appreciated.
They didn't ask me to shill for them or anything - I just thought I'd mention it, out of mutual appreciation for their fine work.
Thanks.
First of all, it should be an RV not a van. Vans are for teenage boys. An RV says, "Wisdom at the Wheel."
Second of all, the Golden Rule of Etiquette is always Eat what you Kill. Always. If when bringing home a waitress you begin to have second thoughts while rolling into the RV park, it is too late. Complete the mission. SHE took the risk, and You owe it to her.
Finally, be gentle. Always be gentle. You are not only old enough to be her father, you are the loving father who checked out of her life so many, many years ago. She misses you deeply.
That was great advice and the beginning had me laughing my ass off.
Sick, white male, juvenile dreams from old men.
I mean, at some point, ya gotta come to grips with yer reality's guys.
All this psychoanalysis jive ass sexual healing babble is pure shit.
If you don't KNOW how to treat a woman, or a man, yer interested in . . . yer pretty much fucked up already.
Get help. And for god's sake, please don't share yer tawdry bullshit experiences on the internet.
Drifty, I sure hope yer 'attached' to a companion of life long commitment.
Cuz if yer not, yer a fuckin lech, and so are many of the commenters above.
And I don't think yer blog in Steve's honor is all about preverted sexual bullshit.
If it is, ya lost me . . . hoss.
All this human interest and self defiling crap (GNB is big on it too, lately) is pure crap.
It's for the wounded birds, and the psychotically and physically maimed who need to pound it out at the keys, for some relief.
How about something for the healthy and . . . oh never mind.
The blogs are beginnin to fill up with wounded birds. And their stories, and their plights, and their needs, and their fantasies.
Does ANYONE who blogs not have some great personal psycho/sexual/gender adversity to overcome that I don't have to hear about?
Is there NO one out there, that's just normal?
Harsh, larue. What personal demons are you exercising (not exorcising) by chastising the sea of flawed humans in which you swim?
For Drifty and other posters, enjoyed the post and the comments. Personally I think it simply boils down to the golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated. Why people deviate from that in their sexual lives when they generally adhere to it in other aspects never ceases to cause me wonder.
"Do as thou wilt, because men that are free, of gentle birth, well bred and at home in civilized company possess a natural instinct that inclines them to virtue and saves them from vice. This instinct they name their honor." -Francois Rabelais, "Gargantua"
Damn, Drifty.
My first response to this post was, "I'm so fucking glad I've been married for 27 years and counting. I don't have to worry about all this shit."
My second response was, "I'm so fucking sorry I've been married for 27 years, because even at my age I would love a chance to practice this sage advice in a real-life situation, preferably with someone who has the demonstrated smarts and sensitivity of a Drifty."
Whig, you read my mind. From the distaff side, that is. Enjoyment of the moment is often all we get, but it is often all that we need.
And no, larue, none of us on this forlorn planet are "normal." "Normal" is an artificial construct.
That's what makes life so damned interesting. If you don't like it, DON'T READ IT. The END.
Before the sandman brings me down ("Don't tase me, Sandy!") I just wanted to pop in and thank you all for your lovely, insightful, funny and thoughtful comments.
Even from the dark side of the moon, they are a delight to read and make me feel luckier than you knows.
Thank you
Backatcha, Drifty.
For some inexplicable reason, my second career has taken off, seriously cutting down on blogreading time. Yours is one I still jealously reserve time to visit.
I won't ask what the "dark side of the moon" reference refers to. Just know that we appreciate you, and if you are in a dark place, you are still not alone.
And yeah, stay sanitary.
Always wanted to tell someone that. Haw.
Backatcha, Drifty.
For some inexplicable reason, my second career has taken off, seriously cutting down on blogreading time. Yours is one I still jealously reserve time to visit.
I won't ask what the "dark side of the moon" reference refers to. Just know that we appreciate you, and if you are in a dark place, you are still not alone.
And yeah, stay sanitary.
Always wanted to tell someone that. Haw.
Sharoney, glad you enjoyed it. This kind of thing happens surprisingly often, and is always entertaining. Maybe it's something about the Bay Area that people just don't feel too shy about getting close to other people, and without doing anything inappropriate, simply having that closeness for a moment with an otherwise perfect stranger.
I really enjoyed WereBear's comment about every doorway leading to more doorways. We always have choices in life. Driftglass, you've got good rules, and that means you'll make good choices.
Larue, dearheart.... do not bag on the Drifty....kay? BIG HUG ;-)
And Drifty.... well, I could go on and awwwwwwn here about teh Prougar... "It is just, Yes"....wtf?..... but, I don't wanna make the baby jebus cry... or you either, BIG HUG ;-)
I have been dating my little ass off for the last two months (only to keep myself mildly amused while I wait for driftglass to call) and I'm here to say that these rules are good, particularly No. 1 (working in tandem with No. 6), and that goes for boyz and girls. Although a woman's tears are not, as widely reported, The Worst Thing in the World, these rules might prevent a few from spilling (or shorten the duration of those that do).
Well done, drifty.
Good rules for all sexes and all genders in any combination, actually. Anything that increases the net amount of joy in the world is an unqualified Good Thing™.
I just gave my significant other a big smooch because he's a great listener...and a quick study. >:)
Whig,
In the interest of clearing up what might be a misunderstanding on your part, you might want to attend to how much space you are taking up.
The slight brushing might just be a hint to stop intruding on the next persons space.
thebewilderness
Good advice, bewilderness. I can say it didn't happen when I lived in Pennsylvania, ever. There's a difference, but it's always good to check oneself.
whatever
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