Wednesday, June 28, 2006
The Democratic Pledge.
A modest proposal for debating the great issues of the day.
Or not debating them.
I ___________ solemnly pledge to debate my Republican colleagues or such designated minions, seconds, courtiers, fops, spin chimps, roveulettes, Viagra purveyors, fluffers astrologers, chickenhawks, Jebus-O-Matics, pirates, toes suckers, CEOs, lobbyists, playas, gap-toothed simpletons, cheddar sniffers, panty sniffers, Clinton haters, Confederate wannabes, leakers, leak-decriers, Creationists, fake news wranglers, fake cowboys, fake warriors, fake patriots, Goldberg-whelpers, Promise Keepers, secret drinkers, Fo’ Rent Two Percenters, and autofellators as are authorized to speak or make little grunting noises on any or all of the following topics:
1. Flag Burning.
2. Gay Marriage.
3. Spontaneous Generation.
5. Flying Spaghetti Monsters.
6. Flying Spaghetti Monster vs. Godzilla.
7. Making English the Official Language of the United States.
8. Making Chicagoese the Official Accent of the United States.
9. Making Red Bull the Official non-carbonated beverage of the United States.
10. Refighting the Fucking Civil War by proxy for the Umpteen Zillionth Time because certain people just can’t get the fuck over it.
11. Flying Spaghetti Monsters.vs. Meka Godzilla.
12. Darwin vs. Meka Godzilla.
13. Resolved : Publicly flying and revering the flags of the enemies of the United States shall be considered a desecration of the flag of the United States.
14. Burning every last Confederate Flag as an act of public duty to defend the Stars and Stripes from desecration.
15. Yes, even driving the “General Lee” into a car crusher. The show sucked anyway.
16. The Whiteness of the Whale.
17. Whither Canada?
18. David Mamet vs. Arthur Miller.
19. David Cassidy vs. Uther Pendragon.
20. David Carradine vs. Bea Arthur.
21. More Gay Stuff. Maybe…gay adoption.
22. Snowflake Babies Sing Songs of Love (Which I swear I will use as the title of a post someday)
23. Global warming, and how we leaped from rabid denial to rabid silence without ever changing planes in Cogitatylvania (I’m writing this while waiting for an inbound flight.)
24. Social Security, Part Deux and how it makes people gay.
25. The ever-popular “I Fear Brown People” sampler.
26. Activist judges will turn you gay.
27. Immigrant flag burners.
28. Hats on men. Will they ever make a comeback?
29. Why no National Limerick? People can’t make it through the third verse of “Oh say can you see” without either blowing it entirely or making police dogs cry, but everyone knows about a certain, prodigious Man from Nantucket, and can recite his bio from memory having only heard it once, in fifth grage, behind the bleachers where the bad kids hung out.
30. Books, Schmooks: If you can’t make it into a ten-word sound byte or get Jerry Bruckheimer to overproduce the shit out of it, I don’t care if it’s an autographed First Folio. Get your elitist cooties away from me.
31. How Joe McCarthy won the Cold War.
32. How Roy Cohn was neither gay, nor Jewish, nor did he die of AIDS.
33. Faith-based rocketry (ain't no GPS or Saturn's Rings or Oort Cloud in the Bible bucko!)
But only on one condition.
I will debate any or all of these topics anywhere anytime, once my Republican colleague fulfills his/her responsiblity as the majority party controlling every branch of government and proposes well-reasoned and responsible plans to address the following, urgent national problems:
1. The Iraqi Debacle. And all the myriad problems that will flow from that colossal fuckup for the next forty years.
2. The price of gas.
3. The health care emergency, both as a crisis in health care and a looming economic disaster that will put American companies at a competitive disadvantage forever.
4. Education. Education. Education, Why?…
5. …if for not other reason than the aging workforce. Good jobs go unfilled by the tens of thousands for lack of a skilled and well-educated labor force, and if you think that’s bad, that’s nothing. In 10-12 year the people who have the skills and education to keep out modern, tech-and-innovation-driven economy will retire by the millions. When that happens, the nation’s economy implodes, unless we massively reinvest in and reinvent education. Period.
6. A sane, sustainable energy policy. And no, you may not invoke ANWR.
7. Serial global environmental catastrophes that we have to fix or we are fucked.
8. In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s a year later and y’all have done shit-all about the fact that the Gulf Coast was destroyed. Remember?
9. Deficits forever, bitches!
10. Insert you own, personal favorite here.
You were horny for imperial power for long you could taste it in your teeth. Wanted it so bad, you cheated, lied and ran our carefully balanced democratic institutions up on the rocks one after another to get to where you are today.
And then you won.
Remember when it was all gonna be so cool once the Liberals were out of the way and you could liquidate the hated Federal Government. When the Government is the source of all evil in the Universe? When you could hang every problem in the world on welfare queens?
Remember the glory days of “We won. You lost. Now shut up.” ?
Remember when you could drown out all the blood and misery on your filthy, lying hands by just turning Rush up louder?
You wanted this, and now it's yours. All yours.
History is watching you. The future is watching you. The massed billions yet unborn are watching you, and they see a pathetic huddle children who are throwing the world's most expensive tantrum because they don’t want to fix what they destroyed.
They see a no-neck ocean of cowards and fools and bigots, led by liars and crooks. They see you taking your hour in the sun -- the one you traded your ideal, you conscience and you soul to acquire – and pissing it away. Deliberately picking fights over trivia in gthe hopes that no one notices that you have destroyed a great nation,
They see you failing, in more ways and with worse consequences than any generation in American history. And doing it while giggling and jerking off to Ann Coulter.
Your children and grandchildren see all that you have done and all that you have failed to do and they are ashamed of you, so govern, you weak, stupid, frightened little men. You ARE the government, so quit bellowing and blaming everyone from Michael Moore to Cindy Sheehan for your sins.
Actually step up like men and govern and we’ll spend the next 20 years debating anything else you’d like. Flags and queers and all the rest of the fiddling nonsense.
Govern, or admit that you are uniquely incompetent to actually lead a great nation.
Govern…or shut the fuck up