Thursday, October 13, 2005

Get your scorecards.


You can’t tell one genus of mole-rat from another without a scorecard.

Sure the GOP are degenerate whores who desperately hate this country, but with so many of them rising from the grave and rampaging across the landscape in search of “B R A A A A I N S !!” how do you, the busy, career-gal-on-the-go keep track of the various sub-species?

After all, they’re all kinda stinky and glassy-eyed. All made of some high-density composite that’s impervious to common sense. All have had their basic, human “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” gears stripped and shredded, and all bent on blindly screwing the world into the 13th century or oblivion.

So how can you, the smartly turned-out, Gatling-gun-badinage slingin’ Liberal discern the trace differences among the whelplings so you can mark ‘em down proper in your Lifetime Turdwatcher Book?

Well, here’s a start...


Neocons:

Pasty conquistadors. Loveless, Democracy-attachment-disorder plotters. Thinks of America as prey to be plucked, fucked and chucked. And then whittles down the wishbone to make into lock picks to break into other lands.


Meocons:

These guys. Am I self-linking? Sure. But I did not spill my seed upon the ground, so I think I’m still cool with Yahweh. Meocons spill their seed on the ground, on the baby sitter, on the Statue of Liberty, in your fey Liberal latte, and positively RPG it all over our future.

Me, I'll only do it shamefully, in private and until I need glasses.


Geocons:

I’ve got nothing against a little town. Grew up and moved in and out of several as a wee driftglass. Small towns have fine, kind people in them. They also have some of the most mentally and morally landlocked creatures I have ever met. People who, with great respect to John Mellencamp, have been...

“...mis-educated in a small town
Taught a debilitating fear of Jesus in a small town
Used to daydream in that small town
That Queers and Negroes would be taught to fear me.”



Theocons;

Swaggering molesters of the Gospels. The worse of the lot, really. They peel the flesh from a perpetually tortured, screaming Living Christ, layer after layer, generation after generation to stitch into misshapen diapers to cover their diseased minds and desiccated souls. Bigots are trash, but bigots who stand on Bibles to lace up the lynching noose in the name of God are the very definition of Evil. We shall never be rid of them, but in a healthy, Liberal society these degenerate proto-humans would be mocked and shunned for their hateful, retarded delusions. They would live off the dole, or eke out a subsistence living in Historic Fundamentalist Village – “Where the ridiculous superstitions of our ancestors Come To Life: 9, 12, 3 and 6 (Matinees on Sunday).”

“Mommy, did people every really, really believe silly fairy tales like this?”

Of course, in a sick, Republican society, we let them run the world.



Sixtyocons:

Sixty, as in the aggressively oligophrenic end of the I.Q. pool.

Also known as “the base”.

What one I.Q. site describes as "Slow, simple, supervised” under Employment Options, and another notes, “Generally cannot complete elementary school. Most adults will need help to cope with day-to-day living.”

Unfortunately someone trained the Epsilons to listen to Rush and to wander down to the poling place one every few years and vote for someone they’ve been told is personally endorsed by Johnny Quest.


Cronyocons:

As an entire American city swirls down the drain, Crony Number One reassures Crony Number One Hundred, “Brownie, you doin’ a heck of a job.”

Words that will ring down the ages as the perfect synthesis of the final, bankrupt moral cul-de-sac down which the Bush Administration has stampeded the GOP. Words that sum up the “Steal everything, blame Clinton and hide behind the dead” perversity of the Age of Bush as succinctly as “Give me liberty or give me death.” summed up the Age of Patriots.


Weeocons:

(Pic pilfered from jurassicporks’s place)

Baby Republicans. Have an overwhelming need to ferociously support every single thing George Bush has ever said or done no matter how idiotic or mendacity-based...with other people’s blood and treasure. Subsidized cowards with balls as big as Daddy’s Amex, and ego’s as wide as the holes in their souls. Come the revolution they will be issued paper hats and manuals on the proper way to wipe the asses of their betters. Or they’ll be given a pistol and offered the honorable way out.

I figure they’ll choose the Sphincter Swab brigade. Just playing the odds. After all, since Weeocons have never done the honorable thing once in their miserable lives, why would they begin now?


R.E. Leeocons:

Narcissistic Confederate-pride addicts bereft of any tangible knowledge of confederate history. Tend to get all rosy-cheeked and weepy and Kenny Rogers over a halcyon Southron Camelot that never was, instead of facing squarely up to the Apartheid Enemies of Democracy that they actually were. And tend to elide over 80 years of Jim Crow, state-sponsored domestic terrorism and Klan-tastic Segregationism over which their beloved American Swastika proudly waved.


Wiped out now. Perhaps some more later.

104 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awesome stuff. How about the kleptocons (laissez-faire-ocons?), the corporatists that see no environmental, safety, or employment regulation as useful or effective if it shaves one thin dime off quarterly earnings.

Anonymous said...

"The Driftglass Fieldguide to GOP (George Orwell's Party) Critters." Indispensible reading now that hunting season is nearly upon us.

PS- The "George Orwell's Party" is something I read yesterday, probably in a comment on The News Blog, and needed to share it with y'all.

Anonymous said...

BRILLIANT!

Anonymous said...

GOP = George Orwell's Party - Not. Orwell was the messenger, warning us about the wake of the ungodly, not one of the instigators. His name really shouldn't be soiled with the neoeffluvia of our times.

Anonymous said...

My suggestion for their pet bootlickers in the media: The "On-My-Knees-ocons".

Anonymous said...

The party of Scorscia????????????????????.

Anonymous said...

And his spanking boys coach Black & Francisco Franco Rodriguez????????????????.

Anonymous said...

Multiple-??? Anonymous: Even though I think our political viewpoints mostly match, PLEASE take your Ritalin already, or at least switch to decaf.---IBW

jurassicpork said...

US Blues:

It may've been in one of my comments. I know I used it yesterday. Wish I could say that I'd thought of it but I stole it from someone else's comment on Kos. So beginneth the migration of samizdat.

Drifty, you magnificent bastard, wish I thought of this. Ordinarily, this is something that's right up my alley.

Of course, if you upstage me like this again, I'll have to drive-by egg your house.

jurassicpork said...

Let's not forget the other Neocons, Drifty: The nice, normal, well-meaning GOP sympathizers with honest jobs who nonetheless have been living their whole lives in bathtubs full of goo with plugs and hoses sprouting every which way out of every orifice and are being used to supply body heat to fuel the Matrix.

Execept these neocons refuse to wake up because they have a raise and a promotion and, even better, a tax rebate to look forward to in their manufactured lives and take the blue pill everytime.

By now, Morpheus has given up on them and has taken to hiring Blackwater mercs.

Mentis Fugit said...

Said anonymous: GOP = George Orwell's Party - Not. Orwell was the messenger

Indeed.

George Orwell's Prediction, then.

Anonymous said...

Leave us not forget the "Chicken-of-the-Sea"-o-cons (or "Anybody-but-me"-o-cons"), our brave, bloody-fingered, typist-warriors who make the Bataan death march every two hours, from the computer hutch to the fridge to replenish their Cheto and Pepsi rations.

Or for that matter, the 100%-Tax-Free-o-cons who long for that great gettin' up mawnin' when they shall be free of taxes and the inner cities free of all those nasty "mud" people who'll just die off from the infrastructure being starved of revenue. After which, the 100%-Tax-Free-o-cons can move back in and reclaim all those beautiful corpse-filled brownstones, of course.

Spending-spree-o-cons? Just sorta describes itself, don'nit?

:)

Great stuff, Drift!

LowerManhattanite

Anonymous said...

Gawd-Offal Party

nyuk nyuk! :-D

Good on ya Drify!
luvin' it!

Anonymous said...

Wanna debate "Confederate history" with me, drift?

let's start with those evil Southern slave owners named George Washington and Thomas jefferson.

You over simplify, you lose.

Anonymous said...

George Washington: "Apartheid Enemy of Democracy.

Thomas Jefferson: "Apartheid Enemy of Democracy"

When shall this debate start, drift?

The post was great, until you reached that last bs post.

YOU are talking about Rascist Southerners, not CON federates.

Personally, unlike you, I DO oppose a central governemnt running everything.

Personally, I believe FEMA funds shouls have been at LOCAL authorites discretion.

Unlike you.
YOU prefer "Brownie."

I have it in your postings, drift.

I'll leave your hero Lincoln's comments on Africa-Americans for later.

"Let the match begin????"

What happened drift? Did someone in a pickup with a confederat flag on it cut you off in traffic years ago? What?

Again, it was those nasty slave owners that gave you the freedom to post this artice.

You seem to deny that. Unreality based blog?

Anonymous said...

Damn it, I can't see that Paul Gourley photo without the words "saucy boy" coming to mind.

Anonymous said...

What about the OPP-o-cons?

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1696/694/1600/story.miller.lawyer.ap.jpg

driftglass said...

Anon,
I like “kleptocon” but it doesn’t have the eey-ooh sound I’m looking for.

Us blues,
Gilly’s is gold standard. All the cool kids think so :-)

Pissed off pat,
Thank you, ma’am :-)

Prof fate,
Now that’s got some pepper to it.

Jurassicpork,
And here I am running low on eggs!

LowerManhattanite,
Always a pleasure and right in the numbers :-) I was trying on “Arbeit Macht Frie”-ocons for size, but I think it makes my ass look fat.

Skunqesh,
Thank you, sir!

Fledermaus,
Great. Now I have to try to sleep with that caption in my mind.

antid_oto,
Conceptually fine, but lacking the right phonetic thingie. Sorry. Tired. These 12-hour-plus days are kicking my ass.


Farang,

“Debate”?

The debate was settled at Appomattox in 1865. Unfortunately some of the s-l-o-w children never got over it.

But do PLEASE continue to wave your funny little flag to your heart’s content and emote away. You’re free to do as you please – this is America, 2005, after all, and not Selma, 1952.

Sure, GOP support among African Americans is down to 2%, but hey, who knows?

Throw in some nice, looooooong, patronizing explanations about how the “Civil War Warnt About Slavery!”, and how “State’s Rights” trumped the lives and rights of a few million darkies, and how grandpappy taking up arms to defend Apartheid America was really about “honor”, and flying the American Swastika over 80 years of lynching and terrorism was really all about “Southern Pride” and you might make it a perfect 100!

However I don’t want the federal government “running everything” either (however that’s a mighty handsome strawman you brought to the party.)

I want an elected federal government juuuust big enough to stomp the fuck out of terrorist states when they threaten my country’s liberty, because there are times when only the “big government” federal boot on the chicken-necks of fascists will do the job.

Like Germany.

Or Japan.

Or Mississippi.

See racist “history” isn’t history; it’s theology for the small-minded and dead-hearted tricked out with dates and places to vaguely resemble history. It’s their own fucked up creation myth that conveniently edits out all the inconvenient facts, like everything that happened between middle of the 19th Century and Yesterday.

It is the “received wisdom” of mopes, passed from father to son like hemophilia.

But on behalf of liberal fundraisers and get-out-the-vote drives from coast-to-coast and let me just say, “Thank You and keep up the good work!”

Anonymous said...

I don't think it makes your ass look fat, but it can't be very comfortable. I'm just a bit worried that that's going to become the official uniform.

For kleptocon, maybe thieveocon, fleeceocon, or seizeocon? Hmm, now my ass looks fat.

Would the outsourcers be Rupeeocons?

The blind and uncaring "moderates" Ennuiocons?

There's the inevitable Toadyocon.

Would it be right to call the Theocon's followers Ouijaocons?

Have you seen the Nimbyocons?

Oh, my. There is a whole book in that, ain't there?

Anonymous said...

If "kleptocons" doesn't work, then how about "Moneyocons"? It's got that eey-ooh...sound...kinda?

skunkqesh, LOL! "Look what just swam into the net - ahoy drifty, ya got something on yer line!"

*sigh* I needed a good laugh. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Call them Suckacons!!!!!!!.

Anonymous said...

Or Suckocons!!!!!!!.

Anonymous said...

Not oppocons, O-P-P-o-cons. (Hum a few bars of the Jackson 5's "ABC" if this is still unclear.)

Or am I the dense one?

driftglass said...

antid_oto,
Gotcha. And I likey.

jurassicpork said...

Drifty:

Re: Bush's popularity among African-Americans being down to 2%, Keith Olbermann had a wonderful line about that. He said that the accuracy of the poll was +/- 3%, so Bush's popularity numbers among blacks could be down to -1%.

Anonymous said...

There's also the omnomatopeiacons like Newt Gingrich or Bill Bennett, whose every utterance is a perpetual thud.

Anonymous said...

Of whom wear dresses at McDonald's Playplace with nothing on under it????????.

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Iza, Roberto Iza

Muy Señores Míos:

Algunos de nuestros comentarios incluyen vĂ­nculos rotos que bien pudieran llevar hoy a una tercera persona. Por tanto, le rogamos, por favor, que los deseche o desestime.

Gracias y recuerdos

Iza, Roberto Iza