It Was Closing Time at the Democracy Bar

And all night long, the Never Trumpers had been hanging out at the Republican end of the bar where they'd always gotten lucky before, trying out their best lines like -- 

"Have you ever done it Reverse Buckley-style?  Where I stand athwart you while you yell 'Don't Stop!'?

...and... 

"Have you ever heard of the term 'Balanced Budget Buddy'?"

..and... 

"Oh, you beautiful babes from Breitbart, for whom we have traveled through time... Will you go to the Marco Rubio prom with us in 2016 ? We will have a most triumphant time!"

...and...

"Are you the Party of Lincoln? 'Cause you’re causing an uprising down south."

-- and getting brutally shot down over and over again.   Until, at last, the entire Republican party left with the Lying Orange Racist Asshole they'd been waiting for all along. 

The owner was announcing "Last Call" and starting to flick on the lights.  

So, bloodied but unbowed, the Never Trumpers ambled down to the Democratic end of the bar, where some of us had been clocking what these now-sorta-but-not-really-former Republicans had been up to for decades.

We were quite aware that they had previously succeeded in bedding the bigots and imbeciles at the Republican end of the bar by relentlessly catering to them,  flattering them, calling them patriots and lubricating their imagination with tall tales about how we Dems were all filthy, America-hating, terrorist loving, baby-murdering monsters.  

And up until now, it had always worked.  

Of course, over the years, it had gotten progressively harder to pry the bigots and imbeciles off their bar stools and into bed, so these soon-to-be-sorta-but-not-really-former Republicans had to continuously crank up the terror and hysteria of the wild lies they told about us Dems.

But at last the day had come when all their honeyed Paul Ryan sweet talk failed, and the entire Republican party was swept off their feet and out the door forever by the aforementioned Lying Orange Racist Asshole that the bigots and imbeciles been waiting for all along. Which, ironically, was made possible thanks to all the groundwork that had been laid by the all the unctuous flattery and ludicrous lies that these same soon-to-be-sorta-but-not-really-former Republicans had been troweling out for decades.

So, now out of options, these "Never Trumpers" ambled down to our filthy, America-hating, terrorist loving, baby-murdering end of the bar with the following pitch.

Look, you're all stupid and ugly and I hate everything you stand for.  However, the place is closing so I will allow you to come with me to a cheap motel where I will deign to fuck you.  

But there are conditions.

First, I will need you to continually praise me for my heroism, while I continue to refer to you as stupid and ugly.

Second, you will refrain at all times from mentioning the decades I spent at the other end of the bar, or my past, or, basically, anything I have ever said or done before now.

Third, I will need you to procure for me several lucrative book deals.

Fourth,  I will need you to procure for me lots of lucrative gigs in the media.  At a minimum I will require continuous coverage on your horrible Commie cable channels where I can promote my own media startup, and a number of choice op-ed positions in major American publications.

Fifth,  in addition to millions of dollars in free media every month, I will also need you to give me lots and lots of money for my various startup media companies, for my startup adverting companies, and for my various consulting companies and so on.  And by "lots and lots of money" I mean, in total, thousands of times more than you have ever given to any Liberal podcasters or bloggers (who had been right about the Right all along.)

Sixth, be aware that I plan to use all of this free media you're going to give me and all of the money you'll be sending me to run my own startup media companies to go right on taking shots at you as stupid and ugly, and I will continue to deflect criticism of my sorta-but-not-really-former party as a  Both Sides problem that "we" are all responsible for.

Finally, I will need to grab your shit and get lost as soon as I'm done fucking you because, as I said, you're stupid and ugly and I still hate everything you stand for. 

And before you answer, you should know that if you don't unconditionally agree to all of these conditions,  the world will end!

For the latest from the "Always say 'we' and always blame 'both sides' and 'partisanship'" front, we turn to Liz Cheney and the Republican Accountability Project:

.@Liz_Cheney: “What we've done in our politics is create a situation where we're electing idiots." pic.twitter.com/SCK18yyxyF

— Republican Accountability (@AccountableGOP) June 27, 2023

Liz Cheney:

"What we’ve done in our politics is create a situation where we’re electing idiots...

I look at it through the lens of how do we elect serious people? And I think electing serious people can’t be partisan...And part of the problem is we have this closed partisan… pic.twitter.com/FJhv7eYeIq

— Republicans against Trump (@RpsAgainstTrump) June 27, 2023

I Am The Liberal Media