Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Fanatic Life and Symbolic Death Among the Conservative Bums*

Box Turtle Ben Domenech never goes away.

I used to think that he might that rarest of exceptions -- one of Conservative pseudomedia's Bam-Bams who had screwed up early enough and publicly enough in his meteoric rise to mediocrity that they would kick him to the curb just to spare themselves the paperwork. But I stopped losing sleep worrying that poor Box Turtle Ben would ever miss a meal, when I noticed that:
  1. The now-defunct John Stossel/Andrew Breitbart/Brad Thor Award Factory was finding creative methods of slipping checks into his pocket and,
  2. Chicago's premiere Randite Chop Shop -- "The Heartland Institute" -- put him on staff cranking out cranky crankery on "Healthcare Policy", and,
  3. Ben's pal Young Ezra Klein had started working on ways to put him on my Liberal TV for absolutely no damn good reason.
So for all my worrying, I figured the kid was gonna be fine.

Just fine.

Until, of course, he inevitably turned up in the middle of yet another embarrassing, public, Conservative pseudomedia fuck up:

From Charles P. Pierce:
First, there was the embarrassing revelation that a host of rightwing bloggers — and one from the port side, Jerome Armstrong —  were on the fiddle with the Malaysian government to the tune of almost 400 large. (One of them, Ben Domenech, was a recidivist embarrassment, having previously lost a sweet gig with the endlessly credulous Washington Post because he was a proven thief of other people's work.)

But as I said, Box Turtle Ben Domenech never goes away.

Which means that every few years until the end of time, current events will probably present me with another chance to repost my "Box Turtle Ben Domenech Song" from 2006.

Chinchilla Ice

Lies, lies, baby.

Wherein a famous tune by Queen and David Bowie...

...which was shamelessly ripped-off by one-hit blunder Vanilla Ice...

...is ripped-off again by yours truly to frame the fearful symmetry of the Wile E. Coyote career arc of Box-Turtle Ben...

...as I take a shot at the very dangerous "Irony Trifecta".

Do not attempt this maneuver at home without a spotter, a Thai Love Basket, a 12x12 waterproof tarp and pitcher of sangria.

“At Leisure”

Pushing down on me
Harshing down on me
Not what I asked for

That burns a RedState down
Splits a cult in two
Puts freepers on streets

Bah bah bah bah bah bah
Bah bah bah bah bah bah

That’s o-kay!

It’s the terror of knowing
Your plagiarism’s found out
Watching the WaPo
Screaming “Get him out!”

Pray tomorrow they’ll forget I’m a liar

Pressure on freepers
Freepers on streets

Do do do bah bah bah bah
Chippin’ around
Kick my brains round the floor
Can't believe I got outed
By P.J. O'Rourke

Another freeper on streets
Another freeper on streets

It’s the terror of learning
What the Right's all about
Watching my wingnut heroes
Screaming “Take him out!”
Pray tomorrow takes me higher higher higher

Pressure on freepers
Freepers in streets

Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Tried a liar's defense but it won’t work
Tried out as the new Rove
But now I’m so slashed and torn
Why why why?
Rove Rove Rove Rove

Insanity laughs, “at leisure” I’m cracking
Can’t we give Lil’ Rove one more chance?
Why can’t we give me that one more chance?
Why can’t we give Rove give Rove give Rove?
Give Rove give Rove give Rove give Rove give Rove?

Cause Lil’ Rove’s just like the Elder Turd
And what’s a little “Jayson Blair”
For people on the edge of the Right?
Rove dares us to slime our way
Out of the cesspits our lies made

This is his last dance
This our last glance

Of this pal of “Mach-i-a-vel”

Now at leisure


Now at leisure…

(And for the kids, here's full-sized and poster-ready)

* (Lifted shamelessly from Stewart Brand's 1972 Rolling Stone article)


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


I just realized that I had noted the recent references to Box Turtle Ben, and thought it was the Virgin Ben Shapiro.

Anonymous said...


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