Free Writer Lesson #43

The case of Rev. Lonnie W. Latham.

File under: Why “But this really happened!” doesn’t matter.

Why?

Because Life often = Bad, Sloppy Fiction.

Consider what would happen were I to assign a roomful of writing-hopefuls to spin me out a story about Bible Thumping hypocrisy.

There is zero doubt in my mind what the stale end-product of the lower quartile of the lower quartile of the class -- who put off doing their homework until the night before the assignment were due, and then just blindly grabbed and threw every dusty cliché from the back of the bottom shelf into the mix – would read like.

And then consider those lazy writerly choices side-by-side with these snips, mostly from this story from Bell South…

(with a big h/t to Pam's House Blend)

First, my bad students make him a strident, anti-gay crusader.

“The Rev. Lonnie W. Latham had supported a resolution calling on gays and lesbians to reject their "sinful, destructive lifestyle" ...”

Then they’d chuck any notion of making him something theologically unusual -- say, a Unitarian or Lutheran -- and play straight for the cheap laughs by making him a Suthun Baptist.

“He has since resigned as pastor of the South Tulsa Baptist Church and stepped down from the executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention, where he was one of four members from Oklahoma.”

Then they’d have him get busted for cruising for naughty bad sex.

But not just any naughty bad sex.

Teh extra naughty bad gay sex.

And not just any gay sex, but gay-hooker-sex.

Going for an unearned Naughty Bad Literary Trifuckta, so to speak...

“Authorities say he asked the undercover policeman to come up to his hotel for oral sex.”

In the second act, they would then make sure he showed up for his extra naughty bad gay tryst in one sweet ride; something conspicuous and opulent and decidedly less “sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven” than how Jebus would roll. (h/t Pharyngula for this citation )

…
Latham was arrested and his 2005 Mercedes automobile was impounded, Becker said.

In the third act comes the next, entirely predictable jettisoning of the last of Our Hero’s alleged principles: he will now hide behind some Dirty Hippy Liberal law that says its OK to have gay sex!

His attorney, Mack Martin, filed a motion to have the misdemeanor lewdness charge thrown out, saying the Supreme Court ruled in the 2003 decision Lawrence v. Texas that it was not illegal for consenting adults to engage in private homosexual acts.

"Now, my client's being prosecuted basically for having offered to engage in such an act, which basically makes it a crime to ask someone to do something that's legal," Martin said.

Lasty, the Evil ACLU – who, according to the pillars of the Christopathic church, are directly complicit in the downfall the White American Christian Empire generally, and the attacks of 9/11 specifically

JERRY FALWELL: The ACLU's got to take a lot of blame for this [9/11].

PAT ROBERTSON: Well, yes.

JERRY FALWELL: And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'.

– will weigh in on his behalf.

“The American Civil Liberties Union of Oklahoma has filed a brief claiming that Latham's arrest also violated his right to free speech.”

And as a final coda, the loudmouthed pulpit-pounder will actually run from the offer of an open microphone for the first time in living memory.

“On Thursday Latham declined to talk to reporters at the non-jury trial.”

Which why I would at best give Life a “Gentleman’s ‘C’” if it did a lot of extra credit and sucking up, and most likely flunk its indolent ass.

Because Life is a lazy writer.