Did you have a Merry Armageddon? - Part 1

Did you get me something nice?

Socks!

Who the fuck needs socks for the fucking End of Days!

Sorry…sorry…it’s just that I was all amped up for Final Trump.

I racked up a, well, let’s say whopping Visa bill on some really top shelf hookers and single malt, then composed and sent a letter to the nice Visa people implying that their Mommies and Daddies weren’t married (but were related).

Then maybe I also called them “dirty, usurious slunkmeat heathens” whose bones would go for charcoal on which I would make S’Mores throughout eternity.

Quit my job. With a vengeance.

I sacrificed various things in various ways. They were all lovely ceremonies and very Biblical, but best not get too specific seeing as how Der Tag never came and the more mundane criminal statutes of the city of Chicago and county of Cook are still extant.

Also I made it in under the wire at a the local megachurch’s All-Nite, Drive-Thru Redemption Window – and even though they were on the meter, I even sprang for the deluxe, extra-beatified Super Saved Jesuss Platter (They add the extra “s” for “Salvation”) for all nine of my new lady friends (and myself), pausing to check our orders before we left (because even at church, they always fuck you at the drive-thru!)

So it was basically my universal “I Won The Lottery” game plan, minus the churchy bits, which is what the Plains of Meggido are to the chittering Fundy masses: the biggest Scratch-N-Match game evah!

It is their PG-13, Temperance and VERY limited edition of 72 virgins and a trunk full of 40s.

And this time they promised!





It made it to this South Carolina affiliate of ABC…

End Of The World? Maybe, But It's Best Not To Be Specific

Wednesday September 13, 2006 5:32pm Reporter: Anderson Burns Posted By: Brian Heins -- This story Charleston, S.C. -

It's the end of the world, and maybe you've been warned. A religious group out of Texas has blanketed the Lowcountry with flyers claiming nuclear war is upon.

But there's one glaring problem with the claim.

The doomsday, repent now message comes from Abilene, Texas based "The House of Yahweh", headed by Yisrayl Hawkins, who used to be country western singer Buffalo Bill Hawkins before taking up the cause of rapture.

The boldness of the campaign in this area and giving a specific date for the nuclear war to begin makes this group different.

“I think most groups don’t make specific predictions because it’s so easy to wake up in the morning.

The world's still here and a lot of their credibility goes out the window,” said College of Charleston Religious Studies professor Elijah Siegler.

Such as giving the date for nuclear war to begin--on September 12th.

And this from the Glasgow Daily Record (Number One for Scottish Sport)

13 September 2006
OFFTHE RECORD
By Pat Roller
CONGRATULATIONS. Take a breather, give your friends and family a hug, and crack open a bottle of champagne. Well, open a can of beer, then. Hey, you've made it through Armageddon.

We say this because, according to a press release put out on August 28 by a Texas-based religious cult known as The House of Yahweh, nuclear war was due to break out yesterday.

If you're sitting comfortably, we'll give you a flavour of the statement that appeared on the internet last month: "The Bible predicts the exact date and the location that nuclear war will begin. Well-known Bible scholar and author Yisrayl Hawkins states that the current crisis in the Middle East will go nuclear on September 12, 2006, in the area around the Euphrates River.

"Calling upon his 50 years of biblical research, Hawkins correlates numerous Bible prophecies with world events to support his claim."

…

The Rapture Ready board was all atwitter over the “CNN: End Times” in July...

Where comments ran like these:

“Wow, Rosenburg and jenkins really got to say some good stuff. It's almost surreal seeing CCN talk about Ezek 38, the Rapture, the AntiChrist...definitly feels like the time is getting shorter. I think it won't be long before CNN is reporting "millions missing".

and

“CNN—3:15 p.m.—today
Jerry Jenkins and Joel Rosenberg will be interviewed at 3:15 PM ET on CNN Live From … The program is hosted by Kyra Phillips. They will discuss their new books (The Rapture and The Copper Scroll respectively). The topic: "Is the fighting in Israel increasing interest in the End Times?" Learn their answers today!”

and

“I always knew given the appropriate amount of time that CNN would do a better job of the subject and apparently they did.”

Well, if by “subject” one means treating literalist End Times blather as serious scholarship, sadly, yes.

If by "subject", one means rigorously dissecting in the public interest the theo-masturbatory global-immolation fantasies Christopath Regime Dead Enders, sadly, no.

End Part 1 of 2