Wednesday, June 21, 2006

GOP OnStar

May I help you?

Citizen: Oh thank God. This car just came...came...plunging out of the sky right in front of me. It’s on fire and I think there are people trapped inside.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: But...but, I said that I think there are people trapped inside.

GOP OnStar: Yes, sir. I heard you. Are you a doctor?

Citizen: No.

GOP OnStar: Well then don’t worry; someone will be along shortly to take care of it. We suspect...terrorists...are behind it, so you need to leave. Immediately.

Citizen: Terrorists? Really?

GOP OnStar: Yes sir.

Citizen: Ok, well I was trying to find a my way to a rational position on Iraq, and...

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen (continuing): ...I got lost.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: I’m also running a little low on gas, so I’ll need a good energy polic...

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: ...y.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: It’s also getting pretty hot in here, so if you could tell me where I could find a scientifically sound environmental plan too.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: Are you sure?

GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.

Citizen: But the signs all say “No Exit Strategy”?

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: It, uh, doesn’t look like there’s a road there?

GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.

Citizen: It’s dark. I can’t see anything.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: Look I’m driving through a fucking forest and I can’t see a damned thing.

GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.

Citizen: Is this even a person? Is this a recording?! There. Is. No. Road. Here.

GOP OnStar: No sir, this is not a recording. I am Karl, your GOP OnStar operator. Your destination is directly ahead of you, to the right. And the terrorists are directly behind you. They're gaining fast, so you need to keep accelerating and turning right.

Citizen: I swear to Christ, OnStar, if you're fucking with me I will never, ever...aughhhhhhhhhh!

GOP OnStar: Sir?

Citizen: Aughhhhhhhhhh!

Sound of a massive crash.


GOP OnStar: Sir?


GOP OnStar: Sir?

Gurgling sounds. Sizzling sounds of cooking meat. Signal ends.

GOP OnStar: Hehehe.

Long pause.

Phone ringing.

GOP OnStar: GOP OnStar. May I help you?

Another Citizen: Holy shit! This car, it just came out of nowhere. Just...fell. Out of the god damned sky. Right in front of me. Right in front of me!

GOP OnStar: Turn right. Immediately.


BitterHarvest said...

Brilliant stuff, D. I love the "sizzling sounds of cooking meat" part. And the circular structure. Cool.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Great. I especially like that the GOP solution is always Turn right. Hard right. And then the inevitable reality correction.

Just curious DG, did you read a lot of Thomas Pynchon in your formative years?

Karen McL said...

This one is a GEM!

Great Post YoU got here, Drifty. FAB as always. (and links to YoU!)


driftglass said...

Karen McL,


Not Pynchon, no.
I was repeatedly bitten by Edgar Poe.
And Encyclopedia Brown of course :-)

us blues,

Sometimes simple gets the job done better.

Melissa McEwan said...


Anonymous said...

GOP stands for:

Gaggle Of Prevaricators
Grody Old Perverts
Giggle Over Poverty

Any other suggestions?

From space sector 2814, Kid Charlemagne

dcnative said...

DG: That was fierce.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I would label it... Pythonesque.

Been possessed by the ghost of Graham Chapman recently?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

....2814? throw a WRENCH, KC, just make sure it aint YELLOW...

...just wondering how a political party that BURNS books and DENYS science can get satellites into ORBIT....

Anonymous said...

..or 'denies', whichever WORKS here on planet EARTH...

Anonymous said...

EB--Yellow's only a problem for the rookies these days, dinncha know? ;)

I didn't get the wrench reference, though.

Off to mine NaCl, KC

Anonymous said...

that is definitely your creepiest post to date---i won't be able to sleep tonight---

Anonymous said...

I love this. Rod sterling would have also. thanks for your work.

Anonymous said...

that was perfect!

cieran said...

Sir Driftglass:

Great circular analogy for the GOP electoral Ponzi scheme. Here's hoping that this party of grifters soon runs out of marks (oops! I mean "drivers") to steer to starboard.

Anonymous said...

drivers wanted!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Clever fellow. Maybe TOO clever. Please give us all of your writings going back to first grade. Don't worry about your e-mails. We already have them.

jurassicpork said...

One of the funniest captions I e ver read was when, under a picture of a jeep flying out of a plane (in a James Bond movie), someone wrote, "Hello, OnStar. How may I help you?"

Seems to apply in this case.

Note the new URL, btw. I got it up, again. Refractory periods are never a good idea with this bunch of assclowns currently in power.

: Population 300,000,000.

Consaidering that Jane Hamsher's mother died on Monday, the day after she made the #1 spot in my last Assclowns of the Week, perhaps the 19th was a good day to delete my old blog.

By some strange coincidence, my boss's father-in-law passed away the same day. I went to the wake tonight, in fact. I'm still wearing my shirt and tie. Both people passed away on my kid's 22nd birthday. It was one of those days where everything seemed to happen at once.

Anonymous said...

monster, i did say it was a recipe for disaster!

Anonymous said...

One of your best, driftglass!

isabelita said...

Fantastic, en pointe.
Kid C. - Greedy Old Pissants? Hmm, not all-inclusive enough...
Grabby Officious Plunderers? well... Gluttonous Offensive Plutocrats?

isabelita said...

Ooh, ooh - Grifting Oleophilic Prevaricators!

Anonymous said...

A quick note before going off to mine NaCl--Drifty, I might warn you a bit about factchecker (or "factless" as he's known over on the Cornblog). He seems to be a typical Orc; that is, his skull is a vacuous chamber pot into which the Corporate Elephascist McMedia Matrix defecates its myths and legends. This might be good news, however; it could mean that you've become influential enough that the fascists think it necessary to pay an Orc to shadow your blog.--KC

jurassicpork said...

I told a few people early this week why I'd left blogging. Now, tonight, I explain why I'd come back, in the form of a eulogy that I should've delivered today but didn't.

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