"Sweet Home Anbar Province."

"In Birmingham they love the governor
(boo-hoo-hoo)
’Cause Allah tells him what to do..."


As most of you know, it is a real effort to ‘splain to our Red State Republican cousins precisely why and how their Dear Leader has royally dryfucked this country bloody and raw for generations yet unborn. They are so eagerly self-retarding, which would be more harmlessly amusing than scary if they weren't always and uniformly fucktarding all in the same lockstep direction.

The same blustering vac-humans who for years hysterically stomped their webbed feet to ribbons over non-crimes and hummers under Clinton (under his desk, to be specific) now blithely jerk themselves blind in brittle delight over their Dear Leader’s Administration lying, looting and espionage.

There’s this about the Red State Grunions: at no point do they ever manage to even accidentally crapulurch their way in the direction of liberty. Which is, if nothing else, statistically interesting.

If, for example, they had actually meant a single fucking one of the words they had flooded the world with under Clinton -- words cranked out as cheap and bountiful as knockoff, Chinese CDs of Windows XP -- there would be mobs of them now – in every state and by the million – carrying torches and demanding blood.

If they were even for a moment actually concerned with Presidential abuses of power, using nothing more than the Strident Outrage Scale they themselves established under William Jefferson Clinton, Republican Senators who, year after year, hide under their desks and refuse to fulfill their Constitution responsibility to check and balance Executive power would be lying doggo in decommissioned Cold War Zeus/Nike missile silos.

GOP Representatives who screamed themselves hoarse demanding massive, costly rectal exams for Presidents -- any Presidents, they made clear ("...as long as he's a Democratic," they whispered under their breath) -- who so much as looked at the Constitution funny and now duck-n-cover when Bush goes on teevee and lies his sodden ass off would be strung up by these Very Liberty Conscious Republicans rank-and-filers like so much strange fruit from Orange to Osceola County.

But of course they do not, because they never mean a word of what they said – then or now. Red State GOPers have a whole different agenda, which is why, mysteriously, they always, somehow, stumblefuck their raging, stoopid selves towards theocracy.

Always they ‘tard in the direction of fascism, and for one, simple reason: These cocksuckers have been at War with the United States since traitor grandpappy stood up and cheered the shelling of Fort Sumter in 1861.

So it's not exactly Big News that Red State Republicans hate this country and want to see it vivisected and replaced with a Greater Jesusland, but shit, you’d think, of all people, these Parlor Punks would be the first to comprehend the concept of an insurgency that just rolls on like the Mighty Mississippi despite the fact that it’s organizing principle is monstrous.

Like, say, Segregation.

So in the service of trying to find a human-to-idjit protocol that might penetrate their moron shield wall using itsy-bitsy words to detail the specific nature of the ride for which they bought us all a ticket when they re-elected their Dear Leader, Part II of my excerpting articles from the wholly fictional Baghdad Time-Picayune,

This from the May 2, 2103 edition...

Pictured above is Mullah George Wallace who, 100 years to the day after the United States unfurled the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner, stood in the doorway of the “George Bush Memorial High School” in opposition to the admission of a Sunni student to Anbar Province’s largest Shia madrass.

Originally a moderate lunatic, when Mullah Wallace ran and lost the race for Anbar’s Governor to avowed terrorist Mullah John Patterson, Wallace purportedly remarked to a friend, "I was out-Wahabied, and I will never be out-Wahabied again" and from that moment on turned his attention to more radical methods of garnering power.

Hiring Osama Earl Carter -- second in command of one of the most murderous al-Qaeda splinter cells -- as his main speechwriter, Mullah Wallace began working tirelessly to burnish his image among the most radical and racist elements within Iraq. Thanks in large measure to Carter’s skill in crafting his tradekark D.I.D. (or “die infidel dog”) jihadi stump speeches, Mullah Wallace quickly became one of the most popular speakers on the so-called “Fatwa Circuit”.

During the campaign to become governor of Anbar, Wallace told the wildly screaming audiences of hate-stoked Godly that if the majority government sought to integrate Anbar’s schools, "I shall refuse to abide by any such illegal federal court order even to the point of standing in the schoolhouse door."

Wallace’s campaign was insanely popular with voters and he easily won the election.

After his eletion, Mullah Wallace continued to resist the demands of what he called the “so-called ‘Unity’, American-puppet government” to integrate the province’s education system. On September 5th, he ordered schools in Sadr City to close and told the Baghdad Times-Picauyne that in order to stop unification, Iraq needed a "few first-class car-bombings."

Given the overwhelming popularity of his message of, “Sharia Now. Sharia tomorrow. Sharia forever.” Mullah Wallace is currently considering a 3rd party candidacy for the Presidency of Iraq.

Red Stater’s, your history is their history, and a full century after Appomattox, your very own insurgents and terrorists were still going strong, and still as popular as hell even though the ideology they championed was contemptible.

And given that, how massively brain-damaged must you be that you could you think for one minute that the Iraqi insurgency was going to stick and burn -- decade after decade -- any less fiercely than Jim Crow?