This from the inimitable Athenae at First Draft this very morning...
OR, AS THE KIDS ONCE CALLED IT, THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION...put me in mind of this from me (checks notes) JFC! Thirteen years ago? Really?
...
Jesus tits, Bruni, where have you BEEN?
We tried to warn you we were heading right exactly here, and you didn’t listen, and don’t get me wrong, we’ll fight them til we can’t no matter how many of you are late to the party, but come on, you can’t possibly tell me you’re shocked. Bush plugged this destination into the GPS. All the GOP did recently was let Trump drive.
Anyway, for what it's worth...
GOP OnStarThirteen years ago.
May I help you?
Citizen: Oh thank God. This car just came...came...plunging out of the sky right in front of me. It’s on fire and I think there are people trapped inside.
GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.
Citizen: But...but, I said that I think there are people trapped inside.
GOP OnStar: Yes, sir. I heard you. Are you a doctor?
Citizen: No.
GOP OnStar: Well then don’t worry; someone will be along shortly to take care of it. We suspect...terrorists...are behind it, so you need to leave. Immediately.
Citizen: Terrorists? Really?
GOP OnStar: Yes sir.
Citizen: Ok, well I was trying to find a my way to a rational position on Iraq, and...
GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.
Citizen (continuing): ...I got lost.
GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.
Citizen: I’m also running a little low on gas, so I’ll need a good energy polic...
GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.
Citizen: ...y.
GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.
Citizen: It’s also getting pretty hot in here, so if you could tell me where I could find a scientifically sound environmental plan too.
GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.
Citizen: Are you sure?
GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.
Citizen: But the signs all say “No Exit Strategy”?
GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.
Citizen: It, uh, doesn’t look like there’s a road there?
GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.
Citizen: It’s dark. I can’t see anything.
GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.
Citizen: Look I’m driving through a fucking forest and I can’t see a damned thing.
GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.
Citizen: Is this even a person? Is this a recording?! There. Is. No. Road. Here.
GOP OnStar: No sir, this is not a recording. I am Karl, your GOP OnStar operator. Your destination is directly ahead of you, to the right. And the terrorists are directly behind you. They're gaining fast, so you need to keep accelerating and turning right.
Citizen: I swear to Christ, OnStar, if you're fucking with me I will never, ever...aughhhhhhhhhh!
GOP OnStar: Sir?
Citizen: Aughhhhhhhhhh!
Sound of a massive crash.
Silence.
GOP OnStar: Sir?
Pause.
GOP OnStar: Sir?
Gurgling sounds. Sizzling sounds of cooking meat. Signal ends.
GOP OnStar: Hehehe.
Long pause.
Phone ringing.
GOP OnStar: GOP OnStar. May I help you?
Another Citizen: Holy shit! This car, it just came out of nowhere. Just...fell. Out of the god damned sky. Right in front of me. Right in front of me!
GOP OnStar: Turn right. Immediately.
No wonder I'm so damn tired.
No, I Won't Be Going To Politicon!
3 comments:
Meet the new Boss, Same as the old Boss...
Definitely definitely definitely that column's a keeper.
Simple POW! BAM!
GOP Ontsar; may I help you.
Trump goony; This is Mike the "get over it" Mulvaney and I just had a flaming car drop from the sky and I drove smack under it as it fell.
GOP Onstar; Please deposit 2 million Ruples and turn hard commie right.
The saga continues........................
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