In An Upscale Coffee Shop Not Far From The Nation's Capitol...

...we join George Allen and Mark Halperin who pass the time these days (before their inevitable return to respectability) by doing a little live action role-playing: Allen plays the Heavily Favored Republican Senate Candidate, and Halperin plays the Dean of the Washington Press Corps.

Halperin:  George, in your  Regnery Press best-seller, "What Washington Can Learn From the World of Sports" you talk about forgiveness, racial healing and concussions being the three pillars of both the world of football and the world of politics.

Allen:  That is true.

Halperin:  So as a Heavily Favored Republican Senate Candidate and a lifelong champion of racial healing, do you have any advice for Ron DeSantis, who is in a tight race in Florida.

Allen:  Well Mark, as the Dean of the Washington Press Corps, you understand how much pressure these candidates are under, and how the Liberal Media will twist and pick apart anything a Republican says or does, no matter how innocent.

Halperin:  That is true. The Liberal Media is all about the politics of personal destruction.  In fact, you have some personal experience with this, do you not?

Allen:  That is true.  Many years ago I, too, suffered greatly at the hands of the Liberal Media conspiracy.

Halperin:  That is true.   These days many of the younger generation probably know you best as the author of the Regnery Press best-seller "What Washington Can Learn From the World of Sports" but you have tangled with the Liberal Media before.

Allen:  That is true.  Many years ago, during a campaign speech, I used a "slang" term  --"Macaca" --  for a popular Viennese coffee beverage that many people enjoyed drinking back then.

Halperin:  That is true.  I remember back then ordering that popular Viennese coffee beverage by that name at one of the many fair trade coffee shops that I would visit when I bought coffee and pastries and other items for my hard-working staff.

Allen:  That is true.  Many is the time I would see you --  the Dean of the Washington Press Corps -- rushing back to your office carrying delicious "Macaca" and pastries and other items that you had purchased with your own money for your staff, who you always treated with great respect.

Halperin:  That is true.  But I recall that the Liberal Media did not treat you with respect after you  made your completely innocent remark about that  popular Viennese coffee beverage that we all remember so well.

Allen:  That is true.  The Liberal Media made it seem like that innocent remark about that popular Viennese coffee beverage that we all remember so well was some kind of...racial thing.

Halperin:  That is true.  And I can see how the memory of the Liberal Media twisting your innocent remark about that popular Viennese coffee beverage that we all remember so well into a, well, racial thing still hurts you.

Allen:  That is true.

Halperin:  And yet, in your Regnery Press best-seller,"What Washington Can Learn From the World of Sports" you seem to go out of your way to not mention it and instead
talk about forgiveness, racial healing and concussions being the three pillars of both the world of football and the world of politics. 

Allen:  That is true. When I was writing my Regnery Press best-seller,"What Washington Can Learn From the World of Sports" I thought it better for the country from a racial healing perspective to put that whole, unpleasant experience with the Liberal Media twisting my words behind me.

Halperin:  But now...

Allen:  But now, as a Heavily Favored Republican Senate Candidate and lifelong champion of racial healing, I feel I can no longer sit by while another innocent Republican, Ron DeSantis, has his career ruined by the Liberal Media twisting a perfectly innocent remark like "monkey this up" into some kind of...racial thing.

Halperin: That is true. The Liberal Media often ruins careers by twisting perfectly innocent things into sounding terrible.

Allen:  That is true.

Halperin: For example, most people who are not "insiders" like us are probably not aware of very common, everyday journalistic practices such as sniffing one's a colleague's hair while moaning loudly, or rubbing ones penis against a staffer's leg in the elevator.

Allen:  That is true.  I hear these things are taught at every journalism school.

Halperin:  That is true.  These are things that good leaders do to build trust with their staff.

Allen:  That is true.  And I noticed that you used non-gender specific terms like "good leaders" and "their staff" because you are not at all a misogynist workplace sexual predator.

Halperin:  That is true. Just as as I noticed how you used the term "racial thing", showing that are clearly not a racist douchbag.

Allen:  That it true.  It's about leadership and trust building and racial healing.

Halperin:  That is true.  Like treating your staff to delicious Viennese coffee beverages and pastries and other items that you have purchased with your own money.

Allen:  That is true.

Halperin:  And yet, once the Liberal Media gets hold of some totally innocent little thing like rubbing or sniffing...

Allen:  Or "macaca" or "monkey this up"...

Halperin:  Even if you are the Dean of the Fucking Washington Press Corps...

Allen:  Even if you are a Heavily Favored Republican Candidate for the Fucking United States Senate...

Halperin: And just like *that*...

Allen: Just like *that*...

Just then, Bill O'Reilly, wearing a tee-shirt reading "World's Greatest Press Secretary" on the front and "Come At Me Libtards!" on the back, pulls up a chair.

O'Reilly:  So what are we up to today, boys?

Allen: We're talkin' about how the Liberal Media will just fuck a man right out of a job.

Halperin: Right out.

Allen:  Over nothing.

Halperin: Over nothing.  

O'Reilly:  That is true, boys. That is true.

Behold, a Tip Jar!