Wednesday, July 25, 2018

He's In The Twitter Jailhouse Now

Well kids, the Twitter cops finally caught up with me this morning so for the next little bit I'll be doing  hard-time in Twitter jail. 

Life on the inside (as we call it) can be hard, but it does give a man time to think about his past and his choices and how his life ever came to a pass like, and I have come to realize a few of things.

First, I'm gonna need money.  Scratch.  Mad Scrilla.  Lettuce.  Lots of it.  Both for bail and for the niceties and incidentals a man needs to remind himself of civilization as he whiles away the long, lonely hours in the House of Many Hashtags.  So as I compose my jailhouse memoir and look forward to the day when they strap me into a Twitter ankle monitor and permit me provisional release back into the Land of the Free, consider this Day One of The Driftglass Twitter Bail Fundraiser.

Behold, a Bail Jar!

Second, now that I've had a chance to have a deep think on the charges that landed me here, I realize now that I took things too far.  That in the heat of the moment I said things one cannot un-say.

 And just what was the Terrible Thing that landed me in the interweb sneezer?


Three weeks ago referred to Bill Maher as a "whore".

Yep.  That's is.

Now, to be fair, I'm not 100% sure whether it was my use of the word "whore", the word "fool" or the word "Bill" which put me on bad paper with Twitter by promoting violence against, threatening, or harassing other people "on the basis of race, ethnicity, national origin, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, religious affiliation, age, disability, or serious disease" so I'm not sure exactly how I should censor myself in the future in order to avoid becoming a Twittercidivist.  Which, as the Right gleefully wipes its ass with the Constitution and cheerfully lines up behind an actual fascist traitor, pretty clearly seems to be the point of this slap on my Libtard wrist.

But I have a plan.

Third, from now on, should I wish to use Twitter to critique Mr. Maher's many, many failures, I will only do so using language that was permissible on America public television during the 1970's Golden Age of American Civility.  Language like "loopy brothel inmate", courtesan, harlot, paramour, concubine, fille de joie, "bit of tail"and "naughty lady of the night".

Finally, if the 1970's PBS standard still proves to be too racy for Will H. HaysMrs. Grundy and the rest of the tightasses at Twitter HQ, at my parole hearing I will promise to play it super-duper safe only use language to critique Mr. Maher which Mr. Maher has himself used without incurring the wrath of  

I mean, what could possibly be fairer than that?
In the meantime, I'll be around.


Dhalgren said...

Might be time to quit the cesspool known as Twitter. Did it ever make you money? Did it work for you or did you work for it?

Kevin Holsinger said...

Good afternoon, Mr. Glass.

So Vice President Trump can threaten to wipe out Iran...and that's cool. You do this and it's time to go all Shawshank Redemption?

"Driftglass, the man who crawled through 500 yards of shit and came out clean the other end"

Just need a poster of Ms. Gal on your cell wall.

Be seeing you.

wibble said...

...First Rudepundit, now you? What the Fuck?!

Lawrence said...

It is not clear how calling Bill Maher a whore violates the stated policy. You didn't say "Kill the whore Bill Maher". I think it's unfortunate that whore has such an ugly connotation in current usage. I'm inclined to view sex workers as honest contractors providing a useful service. The term that has that we should use instead is mercenary.

Barry Mauer said...

At least you didn't threaten nuclear war on Twitter. That would certainly violate their policies, right?

Donald Walsh said...

Too funny. So be sure to come home with chain gang songs and TwitterTatts and a problem with authority.

jim said...

Plainly you should have posted something civil about exterminating the dusky brutes on behalf of paleface supremacy.

I fullscreened the McQueen clip & when it ended it suggested "the real biography of John Dillinger."

Congratulations on officially becoming a badass dude.

dinthebeast said...

It looks like they got the Rude Pundit also. Which I found out because I got to use my friend's hotspot to get back online for a half an hour, as otherwise I have no access to the internet at all.

-Doug in Oakland said...

Did Bill complain about you or was it just the algorithms? I thought Bill was a free speech absolutist?

Robt said...

Hey convict

Just wait until you find out the conditions of your Probation, proby.

Pissing in a cup after drinking from a bottle. Can put you on the deportation MS 13 list.

Just hope your cell mate isn't Alex Jones.

Chan Kobun said...

Twitter fully suspended my account because I got tired of propagandists acting with impunity. They care only about the rightists who pay them.

Fuck Twitter

Frank McCormick said...

A day late and a dollar short: