Today In Republican Detachment Disorder: Kathleen Parker

The headline gives it away:

The GOP is becoming the party of exclusion. Who wants to be a part of that?

"is becoming"?

"is becoming"?

No, Ms. Parker, the present continuous tense is neither necessary nor appropriate here.  This is a wake, and the simple present tense -- "The GOP is the party of exclusion" -- is all that is required. Or, better, a past tense reconstruction of the sentence  "Back when I used to get tipsy on communion wine and let boys feel me up, that was around the time the GOP became the party of exclusion."  is probably the most honest of all.

By way of example, please note that in the clip above, Mr. Joe Gillis is not becoming a corpse floating face-down in a swimming pool,  No, he is a corpse floating face-down in a swimming pool, with two bullets in his back and one in his belly.  In fact, he became a corpse floating face-down in a swimming pool several hours prior, but thanks to the magic of fiction and the genius of Billy Wilder, this particular corpse floating face-down in a swimming pool is able to ruefully narrate the story of every craven compromise and mercenary decision that led to his own demise.

And, amazingly, so does Ms. Parker.

Because when she runs down an abridged but accurate list of the craven compromises and mercenary decisions that led to her party's demise--

The party of Lincoln, a sometimes laughable bragging point for diehards whose racial attitudes survived the Civil War intact, is long gone. Its dissolution began at least with Richard Nixon, who embraced a Southern strategy that pandered to racists and set the course for today’s GOP.

The party of angry men and patient women tried to add a little sugar and spice, plunging itself ever lower on the curve when it embraced a cute little winkin’, blinkin’ and noddin’ gal-gov from Alaska as vice-presidential running mate to John McCain — and a heartbeat away from the presidency.

Next came the tea party movement, to which Sarah Palin briefly attached her Winnebago, followed by the government shutdown, and culminating with the glittering, twittering Tower of Trump.

-- she shows that she has clearly known all along that what Liberals have been saying about the GOP all along has fucking well been true all along.

But there has never been any profit in telling that truth has there?

And so Ms. Parker played ball and played ball and played ball right up until the monster that Richard Nixon began raising in a flower box on the Truman Balcony grew big enough to eat the whole party -- Lincoln, Burke, Eisenhower and all.

And now, from the safety of her overpriced column in the Washington Post, she is having a good pout over it.

Trump’s lack of cool and couth reminds me of the old quip, “Who’d want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member?” For many Republicans, the question is: “Who’d want to be a member of a party that would have Donald Trump as its leader?”

Not I, you may have noticed...

But we cannot dwell on the pouting, because it is time for Ms. Kathleen Parker to astonish the rubes with the Big Reveal that will make it all make sense.

Are you ready?

Ahem...

...Ms. Kathleen Parker is not the Dread Pirate Roberts!

She is, in fact, (wait for it...wait for it...) an Independent!

That's right,  An Independent!  Always has been.  Except for that brief time during college when she, y'know, experimented.  Was what I believe the kids used to call a DUG (Democrat Until Graduation).

I suppose it’s time for a confession: I’ve never been a Republican and never said I was. I’ve been an independent since the early ’80s and was a Democrat before that. If you’re disappointed, well, sorry. It’s not I who has changed.

In other words, Ms. Parker has spent the last +20 years buying booze for emotionally unstable children, but Jesus, she never drank with the little fuckers.

She writes now with rising sense horror about Trump out of a deep sense of wanting to get paid duty, but don't expect her to become a Democrat because of it. No sirree! What with all the parties and groups and such:

Although I find Trump reprehensible and have written continuously out of a sense of duty to country, I’m not about to become a Democrat. What for? Parties, clubs and groups hold little interest for a person who delights in her own company...

Well fuck me with a tray of roasted cinnamon pear bruschetta and a festive seasonal floral arrangement, here I am a Democrat for the last 30 years and not one of you assholes ever bothered to tell me about all the god damn parties and the god damn groups I was supposed to be swankin'? 

Holy shit, does this mean my votes over the years for President Obama and John Kerry and Governor Quinn and Senator Obama and Senator Durbin and Congresswoman Schakowsky and on and on and on never even counted? 

Does this mean the vote I cast in 1998 to elect Barbara McGowan to the position of Commissioner of the god damn Chicago Metropolitan Water Reclamation District has been retroactively nullified?

Because that would be very upsetting to me.

Ah well, I suppose that's all water under the dam.

Which I just bet is an expression they toss around at the Chicago Metropolitan Water Reclamation District all the time.

But I don't know that for sure do I?   I mean, how could I since none of you hobos ever told me about all the god damn parties!

Anyway, Ms. Parker, who has been a professional haver-of-political-opinions since 1987 --

A columnist since 1987, she has worked for five newspapers, from Florida to California. She has written for several magazines, including The Weekly Standard, Time, Town & Country, Cosmopolitan, and Fortune Small Business.

She serves on the Board of Contributors for USA Today's Forum Page, part of the newspaper's Opinion section. She is also a contributor to the online magazine The Daily Beast. Parker is the author of Save the Males: Why Men Matter, Why Women Should Care.

Starting in the fall of 2010, Parker co-hosted the cable news program Parker Spitzer on CNN with former New York governor Eliot Spitzer.[6] In 2011 she left the show to focus more on her writing.

 --  then says something hilariously odd for someone whose home and hearth and medical bills and children's educations have all been paid for by being a professional haver-of-political-opinions since 1987.  She says:

Like [Florence] King, I’m a conservative, if this means everyone will leave me alone. Its further appeal, as defined by theorist Russell Kirk, is that conservatism is the negation of ideology. In a world gone barking mad in defense of this or that ideology or religion, I’m fine with the blank page and the wisdom of ages.

If Ms. Parker has decided to absent herself from the crazy world of arguing over things like politics and faith, and if her bliss can only to be found on "the blank page" while being left alone, then this sounds like something the Washington Post Human Resources Department will want to take up with her sooner rather than later.

Because while there may be many fine and fulfilling careers in this big, old world for someone who A) wants to be left alone and, B) does not want to have to opine about stuff, "op-ed columnist for the Washington Post" does not seem to be a particularly great vocational match.