Thursday, March 03, 2016

At the #GOPDebate: The Kobayashi Maru (Final)




Part I:  The Lirpa Fight Begins

Chris Wallace:  Mittens talks about your mama.

Donald Trump:  Mittens was a loser.  Failure.  Loser.  His daddy in Mormon Heaven changed his name.  We're getting our ass kicked on trade.  We're losing money to everybody.  Our entire hair shirt industry was shipped to Freedonia.

Chris Wallace:  Bigots. Whaddya think?

Donald Trump:  The Klan are losers and I disavow them.  Like Mittens.

Bret Baier: Marco, you said you don't go personal.  Now that's all you do.  Whazzup?

Marco Rubio: Rules don't apply to me.

Donald Trump: Marco is not that much of a lightweight.  Also I have a huge dick,  Huge.

Ted Cruz: For the folks at home, this is about struggle.  It's also cheaper than NASCAR with twice the explosions.  Working stiffs who Barack Obama have destroyed.  It's about Johnny Truck Drive and Jenny the Hooker.

Donald Trump:  I'm beating Ted's ass red up and down this monkey house, so where does this confidence come from.

Marco Rubio: But many people have voted against you.  Like Ted said...

Donald Trump:  My poll numbers are awesome and lil' Marco can't do basic math.  Sad really.  And I beat Hillary Clinton already and I haven't even started on her yet.

Bret Baier: John Kasich, you seem to be a loser.  I Mitt Romney he high?

John Kasich: Many people who have no intention of every voting for me say nice things about me.  You all wrote me off, but I'm still here!  You all stole my lunch money and shoved me into my locker, but I'm still here!  It's Kasich Time now bitches!

Chris Wallace: The economy is a thing that happens to other people.  Is Trump really a con man and how many jobs have you created Marco?

Marco Rubio: Government does not create jobs.  I have a plan.  It's on a website.  So I have a web developer.  So that's one job.

Donald Trump:  This little guy is such a liar.  I make big money.  China cheating and currency devaluation makes it impossible for me to make a buck selling my crappy ties in this country.

Donald Trump:  Little Marco.

Marco Rubio: Liar!

Donald Trump:  Little Marco.

Marco Rubio: Liar!

Donald Trump:  Little Marco.

Marco Rubio: Liar!

Donald Trump:  I will cut waste fraud and abuse.

Chris Wallace:  But your math is ridiculous.

Donald Trump:  Since when did Republicans start giving a shit about math.

Chris Wallace:  Ted Cruz, after you fire everyone in the IRS, who is going to collect the taxes?

Ted Cruz: I have a postcard.  It will be simple.  We can sack everybody in Obama's IRS Gestapo!  Donald Trump uses angry rhetoric.  Support Ted Cruz and Hail Hydra!

Donald Trump: I spread a lot of money around.  So what.  I was a businessman.  It's how business gets done.

John Kasich: I worked in gummint but don't hold it against me.  I personally balanced the federal budget.

Megyn Kelly: Immigration!  Your pal Jeff Sessions just endorsed Donald Trump.

Ted Cruz: Donald Trump supported Jimmy Carter.  And he gave money to the gang of eight!  And Killary.

Donald Trump: Again, I'm a businessman.  It's how business gets done.  What about this do you not understand.

Ted Cruz: I'm apparently one of the debate moderators now.  Which is awesome.

Megyn Kelly:  There is a secret tape of you at the New York Times.  Are you a lying liar son-of-a-whore.

Donald Trump: Off-the-record conversations are sacred.  Also in business you negotiate.  Duh.

Megyn Kelly: Marco Rubio, you said a buncha shit and now you're taking it back.  Liar?

Marco Rubio: Meep.

Donald Trump: I have too god damn much respect for journalism and for you, angry talking vagina lady, to open up about my own off-the-record conversations.


Part II:  The Lirpa Fight Continues 


Donald Trump:  I'm changing my mind about visas for highly-trained people.

Megyn Kelly: But...but...but...

Donald Trump:  Suck it.

Ted Cruz: I have reversed myself slightly because something something comprehensive investigation something something Donald Trump.  Why does Donald Trump hate Marco's daddy and my mommy. Release the tape!

Donald Trump:  I've had tens of thousands of people who worked for me.  My hotel in Florida has a very short season with a part time job.

Marco Rubio:  Donald won't hire Americans!

Ted Cruz:  Apparently I'm a debate moderator and Joe McCarthy.  Made Donald prove he didn't say shit I'm making up by Releasing The Tape!

Bret Baier: Whither ISIS.

John Kasich: Hillary Clinton just up and decided one day to get rid of Qaddafi.

Bret Baier: A buncha military brass said they would not obey your illegal orders.  What about that.

driftglass:  Jesus, when did Republicans get so delicate about war crimes.

Donald Trump: If I say "Do it", they'll "Do it,"  When the families are in

Ted Cruz:  Yelling and cursing at people don't make you a tough guy.  Just like.  Ronald.  Fucking. Reagan.  Who single-handedly won the Cold War.  I will kill scary brown people harder than anybody.  Scary brown people and Edward Snowden.

Bret Baier: Who are the best people?

Donald Trump:  Here are some names I memorized.  If Russia were afraid of us, they would have sent Snowden back.

John Kasich:  Me and Jeb Bush are both awesome on foreign policy!  Right Jeb?  Jeb? Hey Ben, have you seen Jeb?  Ben?  Ben?  


Part III:

Megyn Kelly:  Donald Trump, you're such a liar.  Let's take a look at the tape.

Donald Trump: Can I respond to that?

Megyn Kelly:  Suck it.  You're in Kelly Town now.

Megyn Kelly stacked up three different questions on three different issues to make Trump out a liar.  Yeah, Trump is a liar, but this absolutely dirty pool.

Megyn Kelly:  Yes, but some people say you're a stinky liar.

Oh great.  "Some people say."

Donald Trump:  I'm flexible.  So sue me.

John Kasich:  This is me, reading my resume.  Wow. Band camp. That was fun. You know, back during my 1 millionth town hall meeting we all agreed that people outside of government are insane.

Marco Rubio:  Yes, Megyn, Donald Trump is a big, stinky liar,

Donald Trump: We have a 98% approval rating and an "A" from the Better Business Bureau.

This coordinated Fox News Rubio, Kelly,Cruz tag-teaming of Trump is very impressive.

Donald Trump: Marco has defrauded the people of Florida.  Defrauded.  Also how is it I;m kicking everyone's ass?

Ted Cruz:  I will beat Hillary Clinton.

John Kasich: People are yearning.  Yearn-ing.  But mommy and daddy are tearing us apart!


Part IV:

Bret Baier: Where have you been on Flint?

Marco Rubio:  Both sides! Both sides! Both sides! How dare the Democrats politicize a Republican governor poisoning his citizens.

Megyn Kelly:  The Detroit schools suck.  Why not fix them?

John Kasich: Those blacks and Democrats, amirite!  Block grants will save us!  People should fix stuff.

Chris Wallace:  Detroit lost 90% of its manufacturing jobs.

Ted Cruz: Failed.  Liberal. Left Wing. Policies.  Are to blame for everything.

Chris Wallace: Sure, OK, but how will you fix this.

Ted Cruz: Repeal Obamacare.  Tax cuts.  Deregulation.  You know, all the usual shit that never works but the rubes always fall for.

Bret Baier: Here come the gays!

John Kasich:  I'm a do-bee.  Not a don't-bee.  Don't sue people you disagree with.  Where has common sense gone? Just calm down, and if you don't want to cater a bondage party, that's fine with me.

Ted Cruz: Marriage should be left to the states, so fuck Loving and double-fuck Virginia.  Also Jesus loves me more than a gay baker loves his dildo cake mold.

Bret Baier: Should people be able to own rocket launchers and nuclear weapons?

Marco Rubio:  Fuck yeah.  All laws are pointless which is why I am 100% pro Purge.

Donald Trump: Machine guns? Fuck yeah.

Ted Cruz: We are one vote away from being shipped off to commie Gulags.  One.  Vote.  Also ignore all that mean stuff I said ten seconds ago about the horrors of "Five Unelected Judges" deciding things.


Part V:

Donald Trump: When I tell people to do things, they will do them.

Marco Rubio:  Why won't we lead anymore?

Ted Cruz: We need nukes...in space!  What about Star Wars, huh?  Why don't we have a Death Star?  I'll tell you why.  Jimmy Carter.

Chris Wallace: Will you please take a swing at Donald Trump!  My boss is watching.

John Kasich:  No,

Chris Wallace: Puh-leeeease!

John Kasich:  No, and stop asking.  Now let me explain how NATO works because you meathead seem to have never heard of international treaties.


Finale:  And now, bring on the Ahn'woon!

Bret Baier: Will you support the Republican nominee?

Marco Rubio:   Yes.  And you know why?  Benghaaaaaazi!

Ted Cruz: Sure.  Because I am so fucking honest.

John Kasich:  Sure.  But I'm gonna win.

Chris Wallace: Donald Trump, will you support the nominee even if it's not you?

Donald Trump:  I'm gonna crush these children anyway, so meh, why not?


driftglass:  I strongly urge the GOP establishment and Fox News to continue openly colluding against Donald Trump and complaining that the people who vote for him are clueless idiots who can be conned into anything.

Trump took simultaneous, coordinated fire from three sides all night (and Mittens von Romney all morning) and didn't buckle.  This has to scare the bejeezus out of the Republican establishment.

Meanwhile, as the GOP commits suicide right before our eyes, it is instructive to watch how Republicans inside and outside of the establishment deal with their very own no-win scenario:




Saavik: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Kirk: Granted.
Saavik: I do not believe this was a fair test of my command abilities.
Kirk: And why not?
Saavik: Because... there was no way to win.
Kirk: A no-win situation is a possibility every commander may face. Has that never occurred to you?
Saavik: No, sir, it has not.
Kirk: And how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say?
Saavik: As I indicated, Admiral, that thought had not occurred to me.
Kirk: Well, now you have something new to think about. Carry on.

15 comments:

Paul Donahue said...

Please applaud.

kilo50 said...

A true service to citizens everywhere. Paraphrasing without parallel. Have I fluffed enough? I kid. It was so much more entertaining than the real thing. If "it" can be called that. Who knows what Republican reality is really like?

SamB said...

Worth adding in Part 1 is that Kasich said that he, not Bill Clinton, deserved the credit for the budget surplus at the end of Clinton's term.
That's the surplus that Greenspan worried would eventually eliminate the national debt. That's the surplus that George W. Bush campaigned against. With Kasich's support.
Kasich is as nuts as the other three. He just acts more sane.
(His act is doing him little good in the primaries. The Fox-trained Republican base doesn't care about the appearance of sanity.)

bowtiejack said...

Kudos.
I made the mistake of actually watching some of it when I should have been here the whole time.
I'm sure the "parents" (the billionaire backers) were ecstatic with how cutely Rubio, Cruz, and Kasich all hit their marks and delivered their lines on flat taxes, the poopoo-head Trump monster, getting rid of Obamacare, and the rest of the tired scripted cant.
But the descendents of Sawney Bean who make up their base and worship at the feet of the Great Talking Yam don't care about that shit.
I'm going long popcorn futures.

Robt said...

DG,
I realize you must of drank yourself silly watching the debate. That you might report on it.
After you wake up, wondering why there is a Tea Pot on your head. When you realize the painful hangover. If you must post right away, Please be careful.

For your sacrifice that led to a hangover. This may help.

Asparagus

While the spring vegetable may not be the food craving we have after a few drinks, asparagus may actually protect our body from booze. A 2009 study published in the Journal of Food Science found the amino acids in asparagus improves the speed of how human cells break down alcohol, which can prevent some of the long-term damage from alcohol’s toxic byproducts, such as hydrogen peroxide. It is the biological functions of asparagus that can help alleviate alcohol hangover, while protecting liver cells.

Let me know if it works in case I set my goal on an alcoholic stupor by watching a GOP debate.
Just concerned for your safety.........

Kathleen O'Neill said...

Matt Lauer interviewed Romney this morning. Lauer is so happy that we can blame Donald Trump for everything. (New GOP talking point is that "This is not who we are" and Mainslimers are more than happy to let them get away with it).
Media will call Rethugs out on their behavior as long as Trump is involved. Interesting dynamic.

Dave McCarthy said...

@SamB

"That's the surplus that Greenspan worried would eventually eliminate the national debt."

When people on the right claim that the surplus at the end of Clinton's tenure "wasn't real", but another example of liberals cooking the books, I always point to Mr. Andrea Mitchell and his admonition to Bush NOT to use the surplus to pay down the national debt "too fast"...

well, Shrub doled it out to the top 1% in an awesome tax cut, so....mission accomplished.

Phil Scarr said...

Clap... Clap... Clap... Clap...

Fritz Strand said...

Well done. I take it there are lots of great 'schrooms' in Springfield. Say hello to Homer for me.

RUKidding said...

Thanks. That is awesome, and also fairly accurate, from what else I've read. I don't have a tv; this kind of thing - whatever the eff it was - is part of the reason why. I only have so many brain cells left, and I ain't wasting it on this sh*t sandwich.

But reading accurate reviews of it, such as this one, provides me with all I need to know, plus hilarity.

Lordy! mmm mmm mmm... quite amazing.

Jenonymous said...

Checking in, briefly, from the lurksphere. Other than giving you a virtual standing ovation, let me say this:

I miss Gilly now more than ever.

Not because you are flagging in your amazing job, Drifty, but just think...think....eight years of obstructionism against the first Black President this nation has seen, and the absolute batshittery of even having Trump as a serious candidate.

One of the last cogent conversations that I ever had with Gilly was about Obama in the primaries--it was the day before he went in for his last fateful surgery. He said it then.."people will forget to vote for the n***r."

I wonder what he would have said if I told him, hey, Future Jen here, in 8 years, Donald Trump will be the Rethuglican frontrunner, AFTER failing at a shitty reality show.

At this point, I think that even Gilly has stopped laughing in the great beyond, and is sitting at the mahogany bar at the Eternal Writer's Club, single-malt in hand, sitting next to Hunter S., glued to a subtitled huge array of flatscreens showing this nonsense. The subtitles are on and the sound turned down as Bowie is playing the piano and jamming with some Brixton musicians on the immaculate, well-lit in-house stage, but Hunter and Gilly are pop-eyed at the screen, shaking their heads.

And, while I believe that if there is an afterlife then there are no regrets in it, some part of him still wishes that he could just tag up One More Post on this. I'm not religious but if in fact I'm wrong and there is Someplace Else to Go After All of This, I can't wait to rehash this one with him. And remind him that he still owes me 2 months' rent and a LUSH gift certificate for me correctly calling that Obama a) got the nomination and b) won the election (original bet was 1 month for the nom, another for the election--if I was wrong, it was a Modells' certificate for him)....

*sigh*

Mister Roboto said...

A-a-a-all abo-o-o-ard! Hahahahaha!

waterlaw said...

This was better than the real thing. You need to collaborate with an animator and take it to the next level.

Robt said...

From the video .

I assume Trump is Khan? The superior race.

He even claims to have a "Great beautiful Penis".

The next GOP debate must have a PENIS competition round.

Bret Baer and the Meg Kelly are the judges.

Who can knock the lamp of the desk with their Penis.

Measured for size and bulk.
(Tested for steroids and Viagra)

Can they use it for golfing?

Will Putin be scared off when Trup whips it out at him?

The GOP possibilities for this reality presidential debate can be brought to you by the Porn Industry.

Because God, Family values and Religious Freedom.

Don P said...

@SamB

Sam Seder has pointed out that Kasich is just as nuts as the rest, he just back loads his crazy in his answers, unlike the other 3. He always starts out with his syrupy bullshiite, but works himself into a frenzy at the end; especially when the question isn't a grooved fastball.