Rand Paul: I predict we'll get a lot of the puberty vote. Oh. "Liberty vote"? Yeah, we'll get them too.Over on every other channel, Donald Trump is still answering the first "question".
John Kasich: There are nine lanes. The conservative lane. The crazy lane. The biker lane. The Diane Lane. The Insane Clown Lane. The "getting laid" lane. The Kasich lane. What was the question?
Ben Carson: Sometimes they let me out of the box so I can think there. The country is abnormal. I get calls late at night.
Ted Cruz: I will kill anyone with an "I" or an "S" in their name. Unlike Obama who wants to sell your children off to devious furriners. I will saturation bomb those areas where the bad guys will gather conveniently under my falling bombs.
Marco Rubio: ISIS is more dangerous than Ming the Merciless times Hitler times Vlad the Impaler. We will need to send over 100 million zillion soldiers over there to take down the Ottoman Empire
Ted Cruz: Jimmmmmmy Carrrrrter. Bwahaha. Yes I have a huge boner right now. Yes I call it "Reagan".
Chris Wallace: Cruz and Rubio are both dicks, right?Phase Three:
Chris Christie: Hey, why don't we talk about Hillary Clinton's emails instead.
Ted Cruz whines like a baby.
Chris Wallace: Wow. Ted Cruz, you really are a dick.
Chris Wallace: Hey Jeb, didn't your brother get us into a couple of stupid wars?
Jeb Bush: I have a plan. A festing plan. Lawyers are dicks, amirite!
Ted Cruz: If you guys ask one more mean question, I might have to leave. (Pauses for nonexistent laughter.)
Marco Rubio: I will never leave you!
Rand Paul: Some of these guys want to bomb and arm everybody on every side. That seem stupid.
Megyn Kelly: The Googles say people are scared. They're also paying for this shindig.
Marco Rubio: Barack Obama and Bing are colluding to help the jihadists. Gitmo!
Rand Paul: I amended a bill and then Marco went out on a date with Chuck Schumer and so there you go.
Marco Rubio: I think we all agree that madmen with superbombs should be kept out of America. Unlike Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.
Megyn Kelly is now debating with Chris Christie.
Chris Christie: Barack Obama hates cops. So does Hillary Clinton.
Ben Carson: Political correctness is the worst problem ever in history. I knew a guy whose cousin said that his friend had a roommate that heard Teddy Roosevelt say something important once.
Megyn Kelly: What do you think about getting in my back door? Would getting in my back door cause more problems than it solves?
John Kasich: Talking about "back doors" makes me uncomfortable. So let's talk about the fall of the Berlin Wall, which is what we call good old fashioned "missionary style" in the Kasich household. The way Reagan did it!
Jeb Bush: I will fix the Veterans Department that my brother fucked up by overwhelming it with the wounded from his stupid wars.
Rand Paul: The way the citizens of Ferguson have been screwed by bullshit fines is unconscionable. Also the War on Drugs is racist.
The man is right. Respect.
Bretttt Baer: What is one thing the gummint should not do?Donald Trump has finished answering the first question.
Chris Christie: Priority one should be to get rid of Planned Parenthood because they're murderers who carve up babies for money.
Ted Cruz: Obamacare is the worst failure since the Fall of Adam. It has killed over 8 trillion jobs. I will get rid of every word of it (including the fucking adjectives!) and replace it with a buncha shit that everyone knows will never, ever work.
Bretttt Baer: Whither Puerto Rico?
Jeb Bush: If I was a Puerto Rican...nobody would ever give me $100M to fuck a campaign up this badly.
John Kasich: When you see something at home you should get on top of it. Which is also what we call good old fashioned "missionary style" in the Kasich household. Go Reagan!
Marco Rubio: Science is for idiots. When I am president of the United States, we'll get rid of it.
Megyn Kelly: Immigration! Here are some clips from you, Marco Rubio opposing immigration. And then you flipped.
Marco Rubio: The past never happened so shut up. We're not going to act like the Tyrant Obama!
Megyn Kelly is now debating Marco Rubio.
Jeb Bush: I'm confused. Marco was for this thing and then he cut and run because the wingnuts were against it. I wrote a book about it. It's called "George Who?"
Marco Rubio: I never did nuthin.
Jeb Bush: Cut n' run! Cut n' run!
Marco Rubio: Throat ramming!
Megyn Kelly: Ted Cruz, you lied like a dog about your own amendment. Here's a buncha clips.
Megyn Kelly: Was it all an act?
Ted Cruz: Jeff Sessions loves me and held me through all those dark and terrible nights.
Rand Paul: I was there and saw the debate. Ted is a lying sack of shit.
Ted Cruz: President John Adams loves me and held me through all those dark and terrible nights. You know who hates all of us real Conservatives? Hillary Clinton. Barack Obama. And Chuck Schumer.
Marco Rubio: I must agree. Ted is a lying shit-weasel.
Ted Cruz: You know, Marco is smooth and boyish. Maybe that's why GOP donors love him.
Chris Christie: I saw the Marco/Cruz double feature like you. I don't even know what I was watching. Its all bull, so elect me.
Ben Carson: Zzzzzzz.
Megyn Kelly: Ben. Pssst. Wakey wakey.
Ben Carson: Wha! You know, if 10 people come to your house and one is a terrorist maybe you should move and stop using spam e-vites to haul people in for your parties.
Chris Wallace: Ted Cruz, some people are worried that the fact you're a huge dick might get in the way of getting things done?
Ted Cruz: Crazy old James Dobson loves me and holds me through all these dark and terrible nights.
Megyn Kelly: Jeb Bush, Hillary Clinton will peel you like a grape, and yet you spent $100M on stupid ads and custom iPads.
Jeb Bush: It's called "politics" people. I have a record. It's called "Aqualung".
Brettttttt Baer: Marco, the people who know you think you need to wait until you pee standing up to run.
Marco Rubio: Jesus! Also "socialism". Also Hillary Clinton. Also Benghaaazi! Also I believe I just won Wingnut Madlib Bingo so suck it Cruz!
Chris Christie: I hired a buncha criminals and then fired them once they got caught and started to threaten my career. So you know you can trust me.
Phase Five: Here Comes Jebus!
John Kasich: Math!Phase Six
And the crowd goes to sleep.
Chris Wallace: Remember Kim Davis?
Chris Christie: We need to follow the law. Also Radical Islam!
Chris Wallace: Marco Rubio, you called Chris Christie a slimy weasel. Will you stand by that?
Marco Rubio: Jebus made Murrica #1!
Chris Wallace: You want to turn abortions back to the states, including Murderous Liberal Monster states.
Rand Paul: Abortion is always wrong, so don't worry, I'll run pro-choicers down like dogs in the streets. For Freedumb!
Ben Carson: We should do more military exercises, fracking, and Putin is a one-horse something.
Marco Rubio: Iran. Yadda yadda yadda. Cancel the deal.
John Kasich: You forgot Belgium! And their lovely, lovely waffles. By the way, coincidentally "Making Belgian waffles" is yet another name for good old fashioned "missionary style" in the Kasich household. Yay Reagan!
Chris Christie: I want to sit on ISIS and fart in their faces. Unlike Hillary You-Know-Who.
Chris Wallace: Remember, Google Roolz!
Megyn Kelly: Let's talk about dicks. Yeah. Dicks. Specifically, Bill Clinton's dick.Final
Rand Paul: Hillary can't champion women's rights because her husband had an affair. But I don't blame her for it. Weird, huh. But it all makes sense if you do a brick of Lebanese Yellow and read "Atlas Shrugged" backwards,
YouTube Person: Anti-Islam hate crimes.
Jeb Bush: Donald Trump is a giant poopy head.
Jeb's dresser has figured out that a bigger Windsor knot is a winner!
Chris Wallace: Ethanol! And why do you hate God and Iowa, Ted Cruz?
Ted Cruz: No subsidies. Flat taxes. No mandates for anything anywhere. I will tear down the EPA's Blend Wall.
John Kasich: Here's a funny thing. Tearing down the EPA's Blend Wall also happens to be...
Chris Wallace: Shut up, Kasich! You're creeping us out.
Ben Carson: All regulations are bad. Liquefy natural gas!
Rand Paul: Thanks for having me back to the grownup table! You will never see me again.As it stands, Trump did himself no harm by absenting himself from the proceedings, and everyone else rose or fell by snatching a fixed amount of non-Trump currency out of each other's pockets.
John Kasich: My suit weighs 1000 pounds.
Chris Christie: 9/11 fuckers. 9. 11. Some bad things almost happened to my family once so vote for me.
Jeb Bush: I'm a Conservative. Really. No kidding. I can show you the paperwork.
Ben Carson memorized the Preamble to the Constitution so he gets a lovely 3rd grade America history show-and-tell participation ribbon and a ticket to oblivion.
Marco Rubio: Jesus loved us until Barack Obama fucked it all up.
Ted Cruz: Iowa, love me and hold me through all these dark and terrible nights.
Right now this feels like a fight over who is going to take the Bronze, which will be converted into Valuable Cash Prizes and a blizzard of media comeback narratives by this time next week,
It was a fight over who got to hold the Talking Stick among the inmates of Arkham Asylum,
You missed nothing.
And neither did Trump.
By the way, here's the tip jar, should you feel so inclined...