Thursday, December 10, 2015

She's Magic And She'll Do Tricks On You

If I were scripting the demise of the Republican Party, offhand I couldn't think of anything more brand-building for Team Hillary than to have Captain Inevitable whine on the record that, just maybe, she is so powerful and cunning that she ensorcelled Wingnut Orange Julius Caesar into going along with her stunningly complex plot to make the Republican party look stupid.

But, nah.  Even if such a thought were to drift like a lonely cloud across the vast and empty continent of Jeb(!)'s imagination, surely four of five of the advisers on whom Jeb(!) has already spent 50 million magic beans would gang-tackle him before he could say such a thing out loud.  


From The Hill:
Bush suggests Trump dealing to help Clinton win

By Jesse Byrnes

Jeb Bush on Tuesday questioned whether GOP presidential rival Donald Trump made a deal with Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton to get elected to the White House.

"Maybe Donald negotiated a deal with his buddy @HillaryClinton. Continuing this path will put her in the White House," the former Florida governor tweeted.
Jeb(!) then reportedly told Trump, "In fact, since you love Hillary so much, why don't you marry her?"

"I'm rubber, you're glue, so why do you love Hillary soooo much," Trump riposted.  "I bet you're going over to her house right now to do kissy face with her and play dress up,"

"Am not," Jeb(!) yelled tearfully, setting fire to another bale of money for some reason.

Recounting the story during the unlimited free teevee time which every network now gives him, Trump recalled, "By this time I had already called 'rubber and glue' with no reversies, so Jeb(!) had no chance on winning.  I mean, I like the guy, but he's a loser who was definitely going over to make out with Hillary.  In fact, tens of thousands of people saw them making out and heard him say that she was his kissy face girlfriend forever." 

At the Kennebunkport compound where the Bush family and a few close friends and bundlers had gathered to play Operation Desert Storm Mad Libs, someone had forgotten to turn the Bush family teevee off, and Donald Trump's words pummeled their holiday cheer like a hailstorm of turds until some quick thinking patriot -- possibly Erick Erickson -- shot the teevee over and over again until it stopped saying terrible things.

For a moment the family and their guests sat in silence around the cheery fire which Jeb(!) had built out of his last few bales of PAC money.

"Explain to me one more time why the fuck didn't you call 'infinite reversies' you fucking halfwit?" Barbara Bush asked evenly.  "And then explain to me how the hell I managed to give birth to the only Republican on this planet of earth so fucking inept that he can't even gin up a decent Clinton conspiracy theory?"

Suddenly the entire compound got deathly quiet.  Even the birds fell silent. And for a long time nothing could be heard for miles around except the sound of Dubya, out in the yard, chin deep in Old Granddad, laughing and laughing and laughing.  


n1ck said...

You're a national treasure. You are not allowed to stop writing.

Unknown said...

I'm afraid once presumptive front-runner Jeb(!) has been "disrupted" ... he's looking more like Jeb(?) these days.

bluicebank said...

Jeb! must not have been aware that he got that conspiracy theory from us Liberals ... except we floated it in jest, because we crack ourselves up. Who knew Jebya would run with it?

The Dumber Bush somehow reminds me of the character Rex Kramer, played by Robert Stack in Airplane!

Air Controller Macias: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the searchlights now.

Rex Kramer: No... that's just what they'll be expecting us to do.

Frank McCormick said...


WHackwhacker said...

(Mic drop)

Neo Tuxedo said...

(Mic drop)

So fell Lord Perth, and the countryside did shake with that thunder.

jim said...