Tuesday, November 10, 2015

At The GOP Debate: The Piano has Been Drinking -- FINAL

At The Kiddie Debate:

Bobby Jindal (to Chris Christie):  Come down and eat chicken with us, beautiful.

Rick Santorum:  It’s soooo dark.

Chris Christie:  OK, this doesn't sound good.

Lindsey Graham (offstage): My life for you!  My life for yoooou!

Bobby Jindal -- the angry little drunk man at the bar -- tried to punch everyone in sight including the camera operators.  And then, about halfway though, they just stopped paying attention to the questions and the moderators altogether.

Obama is a monster Hillary Clinton is his political demon bride and we can only save the republic by radically cutting taxes, regulations and government...details to follow...once I'm elected.

Also Santorum was right about vocational training and the skills mismatch, but none of these people know shit about manufacturing.

At the Main Event:

Zoomy graphics, trees in their autumn barb, plaque of where Lincoln took a leak...and Reagan!

Jesus, was Fiorina stunk by a bee?

Rounds I and II:
Cavuto:   Raise the minimum wage?

Donald Trump:  Screw that.  Taxes too high.  Wages too high.  Suck it up.  Thanks Obama.

Cavuto:   The economy bites ass.  Raise the minimum wage?

Ben Carson:  People need to be educated on the minimum wage.  (Oh boy).  The minimum wage is evil.  It causes black unemployment.  I would not have become a doctor if people had paid me "money" along the way.

Cavuto:   Hey Rube...io.  What would you cut?

Marco Rubio:  My parents, god love 'em.  But the economy is terrible and paying people more money will ruin everything.  Raising the minimum wage with cause the robot apocalypse. Obamacare!  Manufacturing!  Why do we stigmatize vocational education?

driftglass:  We don't.  In fact, Barack Obama has spent the last seven years promoting the hell out of it.

Maria Bartiromo:  Republicans are suddenly interested in deficits again because there is a black Democrat in the White House.

John Kasich:  My father carried mail down a coal mine with my grandmother on his back until he died because the wind shifted.  So we should cut taxes.  Which something something balanced budget.  Also training.  Cut Medicare.  Cut Medicaid.

Maria Bartiromo: IMF says recession is coming in manufacturing which can only be solved by massive tax cuts, right?

Ted Cruz:  Because American history began in 2009, we can all agree that Obama ruined the economy.  Cut regulations.  Cut taxes.  Flat tax.  Flat

Jeb Bush:  May I talk please?

Maria Bartiromo: Shush.  Kasich, lay some more of that sexy talk on me.

John Kasich: De---regulation.

Maria Bartiromo: Ahhh.  OK, Jeb.  Everything is awful.  Which regulations would you cut to make everyone great again.

Jeb Bush:  Deficits were all caused by Barack Obama which is why we need to repeal the Obama presidency.

driftglass:  Remind me. what was the name of that dry drunk halfwit who was president before Barack Obama?  The one who who pissed away the Clinton surpluses and bankrupted the country?

Carly Fiorina:  Let me tell you a charming story about an imaginary lady who is terrified by Evil Gummint.  We can save her with my imaginary 3-page tax plan.  Faceless bureaucrats.  Accountability!

British Guy:  Rich people are making out like fat rats while the poor are getting less and less delicious.  Which combination of wingnut buzz words will solve this?

Rand Paul:  Income inequality is caused by Democrats.  Also the Federal Reserve.  What to I win?


Neil Cavuto:  Do you think your lies will hurt you?

Ben Carson:  Nah.  The more I make shit up the more these rubes love me.  Also, may I add, Benghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazi.  (Cheers)  See what I mean?  No one has ever been more crucified than I have.

Maria Bartiromo:  Illegal immigration.   What do you think?

Trump:  Could you toss me a slower pitch?  Maybe just hold the softball in your mouth and let me slap it out with my yooooooge dick.

John Kasich: Can I get a piece of this?

Maria Bartiromo:   Hit me sexy!

John Kasich:   You can't deport millions of people.

Trump:  Eisenhower did.  Three times.  Also you're damn lucky your state is sitting on a lake of oil.

John Kasich:  Donald Trump knows nothing about jobs.

Trump falls down laughing.

Jeb Bush:  May I talk please?

British Guy:   Robots are coming for our jobs.  How shall we prepare to serve out new overlords?

Marco Rubio:  Candy Crush roolz! Taxes and regulations suck!  Drill for more oil and get rid of Obamacare.

Ted Cruz:  My mommy is here, so I'm not in favor of screwing her out of her benefits. Just younger people.  Mainstream media be singing a different tune if a million Luke Russerts were coming aross the border offering to do their jobs for a dollar.

Maria Bartiromo:  FaceBook asks... how do we get rid of (wait for it) regulations!  Surprise!  Also Obamacare.

Carly Fiorina:  Obamacare is evil because corporate hacks like me wrote it.  It's tens of millions of pages long written in Sanskrit or some damn thing.  No one understands it.  I know more about destroying businesses than anyone alive on Earth, which is why we have to take our government back from regulations.

Maria Bartiromo: What's the alternative to Obamacare?

Carly Fiorina:  Let the free market fix it.  Obamacare has not helped anyone.  As a cancer survivor who was paid 100 million dollars to get the hell away from the business I nearly killed, you can trust me.

Round III:
Neil Cavuto:  Who does God love best, you or Donald Trump?

Ben Carson:  Taxes are ridiculous.  The lives of the poors will be better the more we cut programs for them because churches

Neil Cavuto:  You want to sex-choke the government until it dies, right?

Rand Paul:  Nearly dies, Neil.  I want it barely conscious, tied up in the basement where I can drag it out every two years so we can have something to blame when my batshit plans wreck the country beyond repair.

Maria Bartiromo:  Math?

Ted Cruz:  There are more words in the tax code than in the Bible.  No taxes for the poors.  A flat-tax that will cut the taxes of my billionaire owner/operators by an amount which can only be described as a "shit-ton".  If you want to see how the math works...visit my website.

Maria Bartiromo:  Jeb?

Jeb Bush:  Read my lips.  I'll.  Do.  Something.  About.  Taxes.  Probably.  And now, a charming story about two people who could sure use a tax cut.

Marco Rubio:  Families rool!  And they're getting hammered.  By Obama.

Rand Paul:  Rubio loves welfare!  Rubio loves welfare!

Marco Rubio:  Rand Paul is an isolationist.

Rand Paul:  Is it conservative to want to run up trillions in new welfare programs?

Marco Rubio:  Jihadists are coming for us all, so let's build a 400 ship navy.

Carly Fiorina:   Zero-based budgets!  You can move any dollar anywhere.

Except that this isn't how federal government budgets work.

Trump the statesman.  Oh lord.

British Guy:  Everybody says trade is great.  Why don't you think so?

Trump:  China will come in through the skylights like ninjas and kill us all if we pass the terrible TPP deal.  They'll do it with currency manipulation.  Like ninjas.  Deadly, deadly ninjas.

Round IV:
Maria Bartiromo: Military stuff.

Ben Carson:  It's better to have military stuff than not have military stuff.  There are many factions.  And there are global jihadists.  And Putin. In conclusion...Iraq is a Land of Contrasts.

Maria Bartiromo:  Facebook word cloud.

Jeb Bush:  Islamic terrorism.  Obama hates Murrica.  My brother loves Murrica.  My daddy thinks my brother is a halfwit.  Don't get me started.  You do not want to be sittin' next to mom this Thanksgiving when the G-and-Ts start flowing.  We should establish safe zones and then, under my Strategic Hamlet Program, we will finally bring peace to French Indochina.

Trump is making Bush look like a goof on foreign policy.  Jeb can't fix this.

This is the point at which the moderators all went out for a smoke apparently.

Fiorina wants to interdict, overfly, bomb, arm and invade everyone.

Rand Paul makes a good point that if you want to have a no-fly zone in the region, you're going to end up shooting down Russian planes.  And that you shouldn't arm your enemies.

Marco Rubio: Obama treats the prime minister of Israel worse than the treats the ayatollah.

John Kasich unfairly rolls out his knowledge of geography and governments to make the saber-rattling children like Rubio and Fiorina look like fools.

Round V:
British Guy:   Would you bail out the banks?

Jeb!:  That will never happen.  Never.  I talked to a banker in Iowa and he agrees that Hillary Clinton will kill us all.  Like those Chinese ninjas.

British Guy:  The big bankers are even bigger now.  Should they be broken up?

Ben Carson:  We should have various policies.  Stock buy-backs destroyed the global economy.  1776.  Regulations ruin everything and make everyone poor.   I would have policies.  Various policies.

Marco Rubio: The reason these banks are huge is government regulations.  Damn you Obama!

John Kasich:  Can we talk about values?


Ted Cruz:  I will tell now tell you a heartwarming story about a black woman in Chicago who was nearly driven out of business by the Obama IRS.  Monster!

Neil Cavuto:  But you would let the banks fail?

Ted Cruz:  Yes.  But I'd rather yap on gassily about the Washington Cartel and Philosopher Kings.

Neil Cavuto:  Really?  Jesus...

John Kasich:  This is why you don't let ideologues run shit.  We're talking about real people who would be screwed if you let banks crash.

Ted Cruz:  So you would just abandon your principles and help people like some dirty commie hippie?

Carly Fiorina:   Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac created the financial crisis because Socialism!
Round VI and Closing Statements:
Maria Bartiromo:  Here is a pinata named Hillary Clinton.  Have at it.

Marco Rubio: This nation is about the future.  Unlike all other elections which were about the 12th Century or the Late Bronze Age.  And liberal lefty commies like Hillary only want to take your money and give it to smelly brown people.

Ted Cruz:  Hillary Clinton has abandoned Israel.  Bitch.

Neil Cavuto: OK, bag that question.  We all agree, Hillary's a gorgon.  Moving on. Capitalism?

Donald Trump:  Under a Trump Administration, money will come back and it's going to fucking rain up in here!

Maria Bartiromo: Climate change.  You believe in that crap, right hippie?

Rand Paul:  I would repeal all limits on drilling and mining.  Sure humans do some stuff, but geology and sun spots and cow farts so who know?

Jeb!:  Solyndra!  Natural gas is exploding!

Closing Statements: 30 seconds each

Rand Paul: We're a nation of rich moochers. John Galt roolz!
Marco Rubio: Both parties are terrible which is why I refuse to do my job. And visit my website.

Jeb Bush: Let me tell you a heartwarming story about people I know. We need to do stuff.

John Kasich: My kids will be killed by ninjas if Hillary Von Sanders wins. Seriously. Connection. Winning.

Ben Carson: In the two hours of this debate, many bad things have happened. Why. Hillary, why?

Ted Cruz: 58 years ago, my father snuck into this country. Reagan! Visit my website.

Carly Fiorina: We will be killed by Chinese ninjas if Hillary Von Sanders wins. Hillary is a liar. Don't let Vince Foster die in vain! 
Donald Trump: I make jobs. I have a brand. I don't need a fucking website because I'm fucking rich. We cannot let Hillary Von Sanders and her army of killer Chinese ninjas win.
They might have split up or they might have capsized
They may have broke deep and took water
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the PACs and the flaks and the funders


Ducky's here said...

I wish I had your writing skills driftglass, but I think I can condense this debate.

We need much more military spending so we can start slapping around Putin and the Chinese and those ISIS people who won't let our daughters drive and we need a flat tax with plenty off the top to pay for all the slapping around.

And we need to stop lying about Ben.
It's simple.

Tommygun said...

Thanks for the recap, Driftglass. I had to stop watching when Fiorina's lies about the ACA sent my blood pressure through the roof. The kicker was when she played the cancer card (yet again). I don't usually disclose it to strangers, but I am living with a terminal form of cancer. The fact that Carly Fiorina would use her past illness to push a political agenda that, not maybe, but definitely would, result in the deaths of tens of thousands every year is more than I can bear. I know Fiorina will never see the inside of the White House unless she gets in line for the tour, but that is little comfort. A friend tells me I should channel my rage into something productive. Perhaps I will pen a script for another installation in the series of Hostel or SAW movies. It could start with the Republican candidates on one bus which breaks down in a remote area...

Niccki said...

Thanks for the recap, as I went to bed when the bullshit got to the level of my knees. From what I saw, maybe one person up there remotely had a clue (Governer Kasich)which wasn't much. Though their trying to tell Trump he knew nothing about finance was amusing to watch Rubio and Cruz. I think it amused the Donald too. Ben, Ben, Ben just wait for the butterfly net. It's coming!

Shelly Stephenson said...

You rock, Driftglass!

Fritz Strand said...

When the only job left for the media is to pass around the conk, we are left with 'Lord of Flies' 'debates'.

John Taylor said...

That was a great recap. IQ of a fence post. What a fitting line.

Lawrence said...

The Trump T-Ball/T-Bag image was genius.

Robt said...

I only watched a few clips of the GOP new and improved union guidelines agreement circus.

I learned more from reading your account here than watching.

I hope the temperature was set at 67 degrees for them and that the restrooms were closer.
Because it is more important for them to have every comfort and be treated with every respect that they would never offer any of the folks they currently represent or intend to want to represent in the future.

Here is my question,
Would you take a tax cut if it meant directly cutting the V.A. to offset those tax cuts?

Jimbo said...

Hilarious recap. I didn't watch the debate because I know others will sacrifice themselves to provide snarky edification and amusement. Carry on, Mr. Glass.

trgahan said...

I know the answer is "because the money, stupid", but I think we can stop having any further debates. Basically, the next Republican Presidency will be two things:

Domestically, what they have done in Kansas, Wisconsin, Florida, Arizona, Illinois, etc. will be upped to the national level. Since debit/deficits don't matter under Republicans, tax cuts always solve everything, and unemployment is only caused by individual moral deficiency...the resulting economic crash will be reported as an outstanding success.

Internationally, the U.S. world standing will fall hard and geopolitics will shift to away from us. Republican will have to quickly find another poor country full of brown people to invade so they start the "Only traitors question a war time President" shtick again without engaging in a war that gets anyone important killed or burdens anyone with the net worth over $10 million.

All so Crazy Uncle Liberty can stick his middle finger at his liberal relatives for the next four Thanksgivings......

Robt said...

Glad I do not possess a Crazy Uncle Liberty.

I may have a Crazy Neighbor Liberty.
Who, after the 2012 re election of Obama. I had not removed my Obama for President sign in my front yard. It was December and below freezing with snow on the ground.
He did remove his Romulan/ Eddie Munster for President sign right away.

They neighbor asked my wife if I was going to pull my sign.
A week later, the sign was gone and there were tracks in the snow leading to my neighbors driveway.

Pinkybum said...

@Robt Your wife should have said "It's none of your business and if we catch anyone stealing our property we will shoot you, because Guns!!"

Tommygun said...

@Robt, sounds like a clear case of you need to "stand your ground" against that crazy neighbor Liberty, who without question made you fear for life & that of your wife & any children and/or pets you might have..