Monday, February 24, 2014

We Join David Brooks' Evening Improv Class Already In Progress...

Looks like Mr. Brooks let one of the interns write his column today.

Looks like that intern got very drunk first.
Fake Putin Diary!
Oh dear Lord.  Please.  Pleeeease don't try to be funny.
Dear Diary, 
I am surrounded by idiots. I create the greatest Olympics in human history. The Russian team I selected wins the medal count. I do all this while propping up Assad in Syria and sexting half the athletes in the Olympic Village. Meanwhile, that tool Yanukovych can’t even manage to keep himself in power in Kiev...
Oh Sweet Break-Dancing Baba Yaga, please make this stop.

And if you can't make it stop, please make sure this poor man doesn't suddenly break Yiddish in the middle of what is supposed to be Putin's Inside Supervillain Voice:
That yutz has created two giant vulnerabilities for me, a regional one and a domestic one...
Hello Jackie Masonovitch!

It just gets worse after that.

And then still worse.

Then much worse, building into a kind of wild, blazing pileup of aching unfunniness, stranding onlookers on the shoulder, incredulous, praying for it to be over --

-- holding out a little hope that, just maybe, the serial, JiffyPop shee-BLAMS of awful will calm down, and, just maybe, Mr. Brooks will limp this column over into the breakdown lane of his more quotidian forms of bad writing.

Suddenly, I find myself in a moment of extreme vulnerability. Fortunately, I’ve got one of the greatest leaders in human history on my side: myself.
And so rolls on this amazingly inept...whatever the Hell this is: gobbets of interior-monologue villainy so cartoonish it virtual Bwahahahas!!! --
The naïve Westerners (forgive the redundancy) think Ukraine is about democratic ideals, or whether the country will turn West or East. Please. There is no room for ideals in my worldview.
-- while twirling a yard-long mustache and menacingly stroking a devil-cat --

-- until all anyone can hear is...


Neo Tuxedo said...

"And the fourth rule of the SubGenius Church is, 'If you don't have a sense of humor, don't TRY to be funny.' Is there any law more UNIVERSALLY violated? NO! Say NO, children."
-- the Rev. Dr. Dr. (Mr. M.D.) David N. Meyer III, Pope of All New York, live rant at New York City Devival #16, 1981

Anonymous said...

"Oh Sweet Break-Dancing Baba Yaga"

Oh, mah, ghawd... that was brilliant....


Cliff said...

My dad called up today to tell me about "an actually pretty funny David Brooks column."

I tried to explain to him that Brooks is actually the Feyd to Limbaugh's Beast Rabban*.

I didn't quite get through to him - Brooks is too adept at being congenial for the NPR crowd to catch onto his scam.

*As in you send Beast Limbaugh in to shriek and shit himself in public, and then you send in Feyd Brooks to smile and explain how the poors are morally decrepit, and need to have their food stamps cut.
And you are so relieved that the shrieking and public shitting has stopped that you think Feyd is not that bad of a guy.