"My mission is to make it up to the North Pole before the 25th.
There's a Jolly Old Elf up there who's gone insane.
I'm supposed to kill him."
Evil Liberal: "Who are all these people?"And finally, the tragic denouement.
Bill O’Reilly: "Yeah, well... They think you have come to take him
away. I hope that isn't true."
Evil Liberal: "Take who away ?"
Bill O’Reilly: "Him. Saint Nick. The Big Elf. These are all his Helpers, as far as you can see."
Evil Liberal: "Could we, uh, talk to Saint Nick?"
Bill O’Reilly: "Hey, man, you don't talk to the Saint. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a elf-toymaker in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you.
And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you on his lap, and he'll say do you know that “ant” is the middle word in Santa? If you can know who has been naughty and who as been nice when all about you are getting shitty toys and socks and blaming it on you…if you can trust your elves when all men doubt you -- I mean I'm no, I can't -- I'm a little elf, I'm a little elf, he's, he's The Claus, man.
I should have been a bag of remaindered WalMart Barbies being sold out the trunk of an El Dorado on a dead-drunk Sunday Morning on Maxwell Street -- I mean --
"The ho-ho-horror. The ho-ho-horror..."