Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Time To Get The War-on-Christmas Ornaments Out of The Attic



From 2005:

"My mission is to make it up to the North Pole before the 25th.

There's a Jolly Old Elf up there who's gone insane.

I'm supposed to kill him."

Then, later...
Evil Liberal: "Who are all these people?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Yeah, well... They think you have come to take him
away. I hope that isn't true."

Evil Liberal: "Take who away ?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Him. Saint Nick. The Big Elf. These are all his Helpers, as far as you can see."

Evil Liberal: "Could we, uh, talk to Saint Nick?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Hey, man, you don't talk to the Saint. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a elf-toymaker in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you.

And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you on his lap, and he'll say do you know that “ant” is the middle word in Santa? If you can know who has been naughty and who as been nice when all about you are getting shitty toys and socks and blaming it on you…if you can trust your elves when all men doubt you -- I mean I'm no, I can't -- I'm a little elf, I'm a little elf, he's, he's The Claus, man.

I should have been a bag of remaindered WalMart Barbies being sold out the trunk of an El Dorado on a dead-drunk Sunday Morning on Maxwell Street -- I mean --
And finally, the tragic denouement.
"The ho-ho-horror. The ho-ho-horror..."

7 comments:

Sam said...

I love the substance but Billo is not a drunk department store Santa. He's the manager of the department store from Miracle on 34th Street that doesn't fire Kris Kringle for referring customers to competitor and instead adopt it as policy because it is such a savvy approach to building customer loyalty.

The difference between Billo and David Brooks is that Billo jumped at the chance to work for a low rent syndicated media program like Inside Edition while Brooks bid his time working for "respectable" conservative rags until the NYT beckoned.

They are of the same species of media critter. O'Reilly just sold early and often.

Sam said...

I love the substance but Billo is not a drunk department store Santa. He's the manager of the department store from Miracle on 34th Street that doesn't fire Kris Kringle for referring customers to competitor and instead adopt it as policy because it is such a savvy approach to building customer loyalty.

janet said...

Nice.

wiley said...

Every Christmas I fantasize about going to the mall in he cover of night, putting police tape outlines of Santa, a couple of reindeer, and an elf on the sidewalk at the main entrance; then splashing red paint around and posting the story on-line with a picture. Poor parents could tell their children that they've been very good this year, but Santa was killed in a drive-by or by a SWAT team--- whatever works for them.

It's time to look up a charitable organization that will make sure poor kids get the warm coats they need so some parents might be able to spring for a toy. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

You can't go into space on a fraction. You can't land on a fraction

Anonymous said...

Wiley,

Something "local" my mom does is, as she haunts garage sales, come late summer and fall when people buy new blankets, she buys all the used ones she can find, washes them a few times, and donates them to the local thrift store.

She started this one winter when she was in a small church-community run thrift store, and a man came in asking for blankets. The woman said the store didn't have any. He said his electricity was turned off, and his kids needed blankets, and asked if the store could point him somewhere.

My mom came up to the clerk after and said that if it was a matter of money, give him the blankets, and she would pay. The woman looked surprised and a litter exacerbated, and said that they can't keep blankets in stock. If they get a few in, people tell their neighbors, and they are gone by the end of day.

Mike.K.

n1ck said...

Any time some fuckwit starts talking about the war on Christmas, just tell them it's being led by the big corporations that the fuckwit provides virtual fellatio to, as big corporations have turned a quasi-religious event into a reason to go out and buy useless shit to prop up corporate bottom lines.

Of course, trying to explain that to a fuckwit is often counterproductive.