So The Clown Car is Coming to the Land of Lincoln

Well don't that beat all?

You know, I can't remember the last time Illinois was in any way relevant in anyone's presidential  primary.

Perhaps some prominent Chicago-ish blogger who knows the ins and out of Illinois politics well enough to decipher the entrails and goat droppings of this stop on the Big Wingnut Revival Crusade will be on-hand to explain where to watch and when to duck for those who have never been to our particular political rodeo before... :-)

Well, for starters, understand that Chicago is the center of the Democratic Party universe -- the Obama Re-Election Behemoth is headquartered here, half the people in the White House (including the guy with the really nice office) are from here, and half the political pros here are on their way to or from D.C.

(Brief, driftglass aside/

In an omniscient, third-person-observation-of-my-own-condition-sort-of-way, I must admit the peculiarities of my experiences in Chicago never fail to both vex and amuse me.  

While in Chicago under President Bush II, I was seriously involved in exactly the sorts of programs and enterprises which are now, through a miracle of clear thinking and advanced planning, all simultaneously at the very heart of the agendas of both Mayor Emanuel and President Obama's Administrations.   

So, during the Bush II Era, one might say I was gainfully employed working my ass off in unpopular gardens that are now flowering.   

Abundantly.   

And yet during the last three years I found out that not only did not have enough clout to land or hang onto any "gardening" job no matter how menial or peripheral, but that I did not rate even a return phone call explaining why I can't work in the garden any more :-)  

/end brief, driftglass aside)

One salient truth worth noting is found in the rubble of the failed senate candidacy of Barack Obama's 2004 opponent, Jack Ryan (no, not that Jack Ryan).

Mr. Ryan's political future imploded after it came to light that he had been in the habit of trolling his wife -- the lovely 7-of-9 (no kidding)



-- around at upscale swing parties (no kidding.)

In the aftermath of Ryan's FAIL (and foreshadowing the hilarious, galvanic "Quick!  Get a black guy!" Michael Steele reflex action of the national party in January, 2009) Illinois Republicans grabbed for the nearest person they thought they could shove in front of a camera who would simultaneously:

1. Prove that they weren't bigoted nutbags and,
2. Enthusiastically underwrite every one of their bigoted nutbag impulses.

And thus was born the brief and calamitous train wreck that was the "Alan Keyes for Senate" campaign.

Keyes --  whose views stand at the very edge of the Dominionist fantail of the GOP, happily chumming the waters with anti-everything fish heads, and whose voice is a sine-wave of nasal whining pitched dog-bothering-high on the aural shelf somewhere between Pee Wee Herman and David Hedison's plaintive keen of "Help me" from the 1958 version of "The Fly"




-- is what the Illinois GOP looks like when they get caught naked in the headlights (from USA Today):

Obama overwhelmed Keyes, a conservative commentator recruited by the Illinois Republican Party after the primary winner dropped out, in what became the nation's first U.S. Senate race between two black major-party candidates.


Keyes, in a combative speech Tuesday night that quoted heavily from the Bible but stopped short of conceding the race, vowed to fight what he called the corrupt politicians of Illinois.


"We are called to go into the ditch, and though we must wade knee-deep in muck we will come out the other side," said Keyes. "This shall be our cause!" ...


Keyes pledged to reinvigorate an Illinois Republican Party scarred by corruption scandals. But his strong focus on morality and his penchant for controversy strained relations between the conservatives who drafted him and the moderates who predicted it would be hard for him to win in the Democratic-leaning state.


He often instigated controversy in the campaign. He described Obama as a socialist and compared his position in favor of abortion rights to that of slaveholders.


There were major differences between the candidates on the war in Iraq, taxes and social policy. But Keyes focused on abortion and gay rights and lacked the resources to mount a major attack on Obama, who often dismissed his opponent as out of touch. "The man is always lecturing. I will not be lectured to," said Chicago voter Charlene Parks-Ward, 57.
...


Keyes drew his strongest backing from white Protestant conservatives, according to the poll of 1,392 Illinois voters. Results were subject to sampling error of plus or minus 4 percentage points, higher for subgroups.
...


While Obama was making his star turn at the DNC, the Republicans were searching for a replacement candidate and getting turned down by a string of former governors, state senators and even Chicago Bears great Mike Ditka.


It was August before the Republican Party finally offered the role to Keyes, a Maryland resident and staunch conservative whose name surfaced as the party was conducting its final round of interviews.


To the pleasure of some Illinoisans and the horror of others, Keyes quickly demonstrated a willingness to say whatever was on his mind.


He said homosexuals, including Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter, are "selfish hedonists." He argued Jesus would not vote for Obama. And he likened abortion to the evil committed by terrorists.

True, the Chicago suburbs and the collar counties are heavy with the usual clutch of very rich white men in ugly pants playing golf and bitching about taxes, but the same region is shot through with veins of cask-strength teabagger crazy.

Leaving Chicago and heading down 55, one of the first things you will notice after traffic thins out and the speed limit goes up are the "Guns Save Lives" signs dotting the cornfields.  Then come the wind farms.  Then the weekday Dirty Liberal AM radio broadcast by (but never created or syndicated by) WCPT is shredded into a hoarse whisper by successive phalanxes of power lines and replaced by Jesus, Sean Hannity, farm reports, sportssportssports and 80s rock.

You notice that a lot more people smoke.  That the number of vanity-plates-per-capita is skyrocketting.

You are moving out of the Land of the proudly Liberal congresswoman Jan Schakowsky (D-MSNBC) and into the realm of the proudly neolithic congressman John Shimkus (R-Coal and Jebus) -- stay a few days and you will notice that race is text, subtext and context in specific, Southern ways that you just never see up in in the Big City. That the War of Northern Aggression is very present and in a state of constant relitigation in much of the state south of the U of I.

A few months ago, in the middle of the sleety misery that passed for winter I crossed paths with an old woman who parked her battered car in front of the post office and every day, rain or shine, she was out in front of the PO collecting signatures for Rick Perry, SuperChristian.

From Jo Daviess County all the way down to the city of Carthage (where Joesph Smith, the founder of the Mormon religion, was murdered in his jail cell while awaiting trail on polygamy charges) the rich and the faithful are going to stroll to the polls on what promises to be an unseasonably mild and pleasant March 20th to vote in the Illinois Republican primary.

And for Rick Perry's loyal Christian signature-gather soldier and hundreds of thousands of people just like her, voting for the Mormon vulture capitalist cyborg from Massachusetts will simply not be an option.