A list of remarks make by yours truly during the Florida GOP shoutycrackers hootenanny. They have been prettied up a little.
For, uh, posterity.
Newt's opening remarks "It's alright Lisa I've been called a Greasy thug before too. So here's what we'll do..."
Great echo! Sounds like the fifth circle of Hell.
Perry: My jobs program? Plan 9 from El Paso.
Mitt: Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!
Bachmann: comes out for ZERO taxes.
Santorum: Public sector employees are just fucking lucky I don't stab them in the eye with a sharp stick.
Newt: I am strongly pro-indentured servitude. Except for mistresses who should be paid in beautiful, beautiful diamonds.
Big ups for Emperor Crazybread.
Emperor Crazybread: I have walked in Dave's shoes. Dave has very large, manly feet.
Mitt: Won't someone think of the children of large corporations?
Ron Paul: I will veto everything.
Ron Paul: The American government has no authority to govern America.
Gary Newguy: I will veto more shit that you could possibly believe. I will veto the Sun!
Dear Howard Kurtz: Someday worry about something real.
Analysts: Based on these numbers, there a lot of people masturbating out there, Mandy! A lot!
Analysts: Gamers wanna know the cheats to Level 27 of "Dawn Overthreatz 3: BloodThreatz Warz"
Perry: Shoot the hostage! Wait? What was the question?
(In response to the short, terrifying video by Governor Scott) Thank you, Governor Skeletor von Skullfuck!
Perry: Don't worry old people, we're only gonna fuck over your kids.
You know,this doesn't feel like a "Google" debate. More like Altavista. Or Dogpile. Or Jughead.
Perry: I have read two books. Two!
Newt: Oh! Oh! Call on me! I wrote a crappy book too!
Patton: Rommel, you magnificent bastard, I read your book!
Mitt: Insert joke here.
Huntsman: Back when Utah invaded two countries at once we didn't need to raise taxes!
Emperor Crazybread: I would eliminate the Environmental Pizza Agency. Damn those jackbooted bastards!
Emperor Crazybread: Free Chilean Plan with your crazybread.
Newt: Next week in Maui. Wait...what? Not Maui? Des Moines? Des Fucking Moines, Iowa? OK. Fine. Next week in "Des Moines" I will fundamentally, basically, irrevocably ... something something.
Newt: I remember back when I gave birth to Ronald Reagan.
Ron Paul: The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead when the skies of November turn gloomy. Pudding!
Mitt: Beaner kids want my money!
Mitt, you are one belly-scraping reptile.
Santorum: Perry's stand on "illegals" totally froths my ass!
Ron Paul: Logan's Run is Real people! Run for your fucking lives!
Analysts: People online are searching for SUVs, guns and....handjobs. Back to you Bob!
Analysts from Google doing everything...except fact-checking these liars...using Google. Ironic, no?
Ron Paul: No more yankie my wankie. The Ronster need food. Go bimetallism!
FYI, Mitt is absolutely lying right now.
Emperor Crazybread: Israel is our 51st state! And the sexiest!
Perry: Cowboys and India.
Santorum: We should listen to our enemies on the ground.
We shouldn't send money to people who hate us. Like to Alabama.
Newt: Notice how I pronounce "Dra-MAT-ically". It's like onomatopoetic or some shit!
Bachmann: Cuba is south of where we are now.
Santorum: Huntsman wants to cut-and-run like a cheese Liberal eating surrender monkey. GO JESUS!
Love it when Bachmann quotes Abraham Benjamin Jefferson.
Santorum: People in the military do not have sex. Especially faggy sex.
Santorum: I would also re-segregate the Army because doing social stuff in the military if always terrible
Santorum: Penises terrify me, especially sweaty, military penises.
Perry: The federal gummint made me do turrible, turrible things to Texas. Made me! See, I ran out of gas. I... I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!
Mitt: I'm not a lifetime politician. Instead I've spent my life shipping American jobs overseas.
Next on CSPAN Book Talk for Wingnuts...
At home, Dubya is screaming at the teevee: "Where is Mars, bitches? Where are my switchgrasses?"
Thanks God the reps from the most powerful search engine in history aren't wasting time fact checking. Hey! A coupon for Pampers!
Emperor Crazybread: I will create leaders. Out of pizza.
Mitt: A lot of people are sitting around a table, balancing their checkbooks and pledging allegiance which is why I had to quadruple the size of my house bigger.
Ron Paul: God Damn Trilateral Commission.
Newt: Reagan! Reagan! Fucking Reagan!
Santorum: I see your Reagan and raise you nine Reagans!
Gary Newguy: Cut everything. Now. It's what my neighbor's dog would do. His name is the Son of Sam--antha. Yeah. Son of Samantha.
Santorum: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to Gay.
Huntsman: I would choose Emperor Crazybread as veep. Two words: Free Pizza. It's like I'm Hutch, and he's my Huggy Bear.
Mitt: Everyone's a winner!
In conclusion, I would love to see the Bachmanns and the Santori playing an evening of tense, repressed bridge.
A lot of martinis, Pall Malls, and a loud, slow, ticking clock.
After three hours of drinking and complete silence, Marcus Bachmann and Rick Santorum both leap to their feet, shouting simultaneously and tearfully, "Fine! Fine! I'll suck his dick since that's what you want!"
Best. John. Waters. Movie. Ever.