Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wisconsin's Maximum Governor Speaks UPDATE
Wisconsin's Maximum Governor had a little fireside monologue.
If he had actually answered questions, here's how it might have gone.
Nonexistent Questioner: Governor, why do you need to use destroy the public service unions?
Maximum Governor: Be fair -- I'm only destroying the unions that didn't vote for me.
Nonexistent Questioner: OK, Governor, why do you need to destroy the public service unions that didn't vote for you?
Maximum Governor: Because we have a deficit.
Nonexistent Questioner: But don't we have a deficit largely because the first thing you did when you took office was to push through massive tax cuts?
Maximum Governor: And your point?
Nonexistent Questioner: So if deficits are the problem...and tax cuts caused them...why not just put taxes back to where they were.
Maximum Governor: Clearly you do not understand arithmetic. Once rich people's taxes are cut, they can never, ever, ever,ever be raised again under any circumstances. This is called "shared sacrifice".
Nonexistent Questioner: Says who?
Maximum Governor: Says the Koch Brothers.
Nonexistent Questioner: Who are they?
Maximum Governor: Billionaire crackpot industrialists. From the family that bankrolled the John Birch Society and a hundred other fascist front groups. Think Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche from "Trading Places"
but richer and more soul-dead.
Nonexistent Questioner: And why does their opinion matter?
Maximum Governor: They gave me lots and lots of money.
Nonexistent Questioner: What do your supporters think of that?
Maximum Governor: My supporters think whatever Rush Limbaugh tells them to think.
Nonexistent Questioner: Oh. So why will destroying the public service unions who didn't vote for you solve your deficit problem?
Maximum Governor: Because unions that didn't vote for me are run by monsters who will never, ever, ever give me what I asked for.
Nonexistent Questioner: But that's just a lie. They just gave you everything you asked for.
Maximum Governor: It is not a lie, because...because while it may be true that unions did just give me everything I asked for now and it may be true that their imaginary uncooperativeness was the sole rationale I gave for destroying them, at some point in the future they might not give me what I want, which is why they must be destroyed right now.
Nonexistent Questioner: I see.
Maximum Governor: It's like "The Terminator". If I don't kill Sarah Conor now, she will one day give birth to Cesar Chavez III who will oppose me.
Nonexistent Questioner: Uh huh.
Maximum Governor: Then I would lose and the Koch Brothers would stop giving me money and maybe seal me in an oil drum and drop me in the ocean.
Nonexistent Questioner: Uh huh.
Maximum Governor: So you can see that, while what I have said so far might be considered by some in the Gotcha Media to be great, big, filthy lies, it is possible that someday what I said might happen, in which case I would have been telling the truth retroactively.
Nonexistent Questioner: So what you are saying is that we need to invade now, because we cannot wait for the final proof -- the the smoking gun that could come in the form of a better dental plan for Wisconsin teachers at some point in the future?
Maximum Governor: Exactly.
Nonexistent Questioner: Thank you for your time, Governor.
Maximum Governor: You betcha!