Saturday, February 19, 2011

Rip and Read

If you're like me, you get more than your authorize ration of absurd emails puked up from the murkiest, dung-smellingest end of the wingnut pool.

One making yet another round this week is this perennial "Top Ten Reasons Why I Voted Democrat" list. (Example: 1. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.)

I think this is actually a good thing, having noticed that this sort of rage-soaked broadside of ridiculous invective -- ink still wet from the Ministry of Truth printing presses -- is usually the response of the Right when their world starts to collapse. When their elected representatives start uncontrollably outing themselves as lying corporate shills and/or monstrously hypocritical perverts; when their bullshit economic and foreign policy theories start blowing up in big, public ways; when another assassin is caught with Glenn Beck's books in his trunk and of Bill O'Reilly's words on his lips; when their spokescreatures start going mad on the air...and when there are no handy, ginned-up stories about Ground Zero mosques or death panels to keep the Pig People distracted...they roll out this, generic, "There is no global warming because Al Gore is fat" claptrap.

It is the sign of a dead movement, caught once again in a corner of its own making, trying to scream its way out.

(It has also been interesting to watch how these slabs of raw, bigot Id have mutated over the years. For example, now that that it has penetrated all but the dimmest, dankest wingnut sewers that getting out the Hell out of the Republican's Excellent Iraqi Adventure is actually a good idea... the most dependable Pig People talking point of the last 10 years -- "I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they’re doing because they now think we’re good people." -- has hastily been nailed into a packing crate and dropped into the sea, with the hole it left behind hurriedly caulked over with imbecile bumper sticker talking points about illegal immigration or "Drill, baby, drill"-ism about hos Liberals won't do such-and-so "because it might upset some endangered beetle or gopher".)

Don't waste your time rebutting, replying or even bothering with the sensibilities of the senders of these email: arguing logic with a Conservative is like debating quantum physics with a flatworm.

Instead, save yourself some typing and feel free to copy/paste/send some or all of the following.

With my complements.

I voted Republican because I believe any psycho with a couple of hundred bucks should be able to buy enough street-sweeper guns and ammo to take down a small country no questions asked.

I voted Republican because I am afraid of the imaginary Liberal that Rush Limbaugh keeps telling me lives under my bed.

I voted Republican because I think the Confederacy had it just about right.

I voted Republican because I know that I can trust unregulated multi-billion foreign corporations far more than my own neighbors.

I voted Republican because I only listen to right wing radio and Fox news, which has reduced my IQ by about half.

I voted Republican because I refuse to read a book, read a newspaper or remember anything that happened before 2009.

I voted Republican because I people who are different than me scare me.

I voted Republican because, damn it, we don't need our food inspected, or our streets paved, or clean water, or fire departments.

I voted Republican because instead of the elitist, Libtard "truth", they tell me I'm smart, and good-lookin', and a Real American Patriot a bunch of other crap I want to hear.

I voted Republican because I can't stand when the government spends money on anyone but me.

I voted Republican because I believe that government should police and regulate women's vaginae. Unlike, say, mountaintop mining companies or the entire pharmaceutical industry.

I voted Republican because I believe me and Zeke and Joe Bob can do a better job building a highway or a bridge or US foreign policy than some fancy-pants, East coast elitist "expert".

I voted Republican because a random email with BIG FONT and eagles and American Flags told me that Barack Obama is a Kenyan Socialist!

I voted Republican because I only give a shit about deficits...or the constitution...or illegal wars...when there is someone in the White House with a (D) after their name.

I voted Republican because election results only count when my side wins.

I voted Republican because I believe the Earth is 9,000 years old. No. Really. And I think my opinion about that should be taken seriously and taught in school.

I voted Republican because freedom of speech only counts when you agree with me; when you disagree with me, you're trying to take away my rights!

I voted Republican because I believe blowjobs are impeachable offenses, but torture, secret prisons and illegal wars are just good, clean fun!

I voted Republican because I'm actually stupid enough to believe that Democrats are giving free health care, education, and Social Security benefits to illegal aliens.

I voted Republican because I think Republican-appointed fringe-nutjob activist judges should decide the outcome of Presidential elections, and give full citizenship rights to foreign corporations.

I voted Republican because its easier than thinking for myself.


mahakal said...

"I voted Republican because I believe that government should police and regulate women's vaginae. Unlike, say, mountaintop mining companies or the entire pharmaceutical industry."


KWillow said...

"I voted Repug because I'm constantly seething with rage at the world; because I didn't get everything I deserve and Others, like gays and blacks and women get free stuff all the time!"

Malacandra said...

I voted Republican because I believe that somehow, someday, I will join the ranks of the wealthiest 1/10th of 1% of the population that Republicans actually care about.

Anonymous said...

I voted Republican because I long to be a serf who basks in the reflected glory of my masters, my loyalty rewarded by the creation of a class even lower then myself of women, children and nonwhite people, whom I can abuse with impunity.

Rehctaw said...

I have had many enjoyable debates with flatworms over quantum physics.
They actually have some keen insights.
It is far more intellectually satisfying than talking politics with pig people.
When I tell pig people we are being had, in very unsanitary and unhealthy ways by the people to whom they giddily give their proxy, I'm told that I'm a ignorant DFH who's destroying America.

A flatworm would never be silly enough to believe that, let alone say it aloud.

But a Pig Person can, without qualm, try to confront me on the costs of Obama's War(S) in Iraq and Afghanistan.

US Blues said...

I voted republican because even though my greatest aspiration in life is to be able to afford a double-wide, I've been brainwashed into believing that giving millionaires tax cuts will improve my standing in life.

watchdog said...

This whole post is made of win.

elitist said...

I vote Republican because I am consumed by an existential self-loathing so deeply projected onto humanity that only the plunge of civilization into the abyss will take away my pain.

PS DG: "Compliment" not "complement." Next thing you'll be spelling words like "moron" whimsically.

StringonaStick said...

I voted rethug because I just fucking hate liberals, and my vote really, really pisses them off. Every single one of them. Because I am that omnipotent. Well, I am when I'm in the den and the wife lets me have the remote...

nunya said...

Thanks for this post, and the "why I voted..." I really needed to laugh this afternoon :)

Anonymous said...

I get lots of these emails too. Years ago I just ignored them. But when they came from people who had some reasoning skills (or so I thought) I started answering them with facts, and not in a nice way.

Only one person fired back, with an insult and zero proof. I keep this response handy for morans such as him:
"Let me compliment you on your decision to get drunk and play with your computer instead of getting in your car. You've made a fool of yourself and the Republicans, but at least you didn't kill anybody! For that, I salute you." (Stolen from WTF...?)

I also remind them that, of the hundreds of these emails I have received, I have yet to see ONE! aimed at a Republican. In 10-years Not. Even. ONE!


jim said...

"I voted Republican because I know that Armageddon is nigh, & Democrats just don't rape the planet quite fast enough to let me gnaw at its raw bleeding entrails in the manner to which I am accustomed."

Dave Dubya said...

Thank you! I couldn't resist adding:

I voted Republican because I believe all big-business friendly, corporate-owned media are really liberals, no matter how much airtime they give to Rush, Beck, Hannity and other Republicans.

I voted Republican because I believe plutocracy by the economic elite is better than government by democratic principles. Also I don’t know, or care, what plutocracy means.

I voted Republican because I agree with Fascists, Arab Dictators, Communists, Nazis... and Republicans... that unions and liberals are to blame for everything.