The filthy spirit of Lewis Prothero wins the week.
“Fox News Sunday” shows all the wanner, wannabe networks the way, as it always does, with Chris Wallace’s understudy -- Bret…Fartscalder? …Trollspankington? ...Hairthimble? -- boldly leading off with the story of
!!Dr. Phibes 3D Mosque of Terror Babies!!
Because that is the Most Important Issue in the World.
Of course, for the fully immersive, rage-gasm experience
you're gonna need
the Special Glasses.
Ooga. Fucking. Booga.
Bret Poospray: How big a pussy is the President for “clarifying” his position and don’t you agree that so-called tolerance and religious freedom should be set-aside whenever wingnuts feel bad? The latest polls say most people don’t like terrorists, so isn’t this a great issue to run on?
Republican John Cornyn: Yes. People who live in trailers and have never left Sisterfuck, Arkansas have very strong feeling about New York whenever Rupert Murdoch reminds them that it exists.
Bret Folliclebasket: Lastly, are you worried that this is sucking up a lot of oxygen?
Driftglass: You mean like you are doing right now? Spending the first 1/3 of your show talking about it?
Bret Bluntpie: Now let’s talk about illegal immigrants.
Cornyn: There are not nearly enough boots on the ground. We need 40 million troops all linking arms standing on the border. Preferably shirtless. And oiled up. Full body shave. All staring smolderingly into the setting sun. Also we need a smaller gummint. That being said, I’m glad Obama has finally stopped hating America long enough to do what Republicans tell him to do.
Bret Scow-coifed: How will Obama’s contempt for America work against Democrats in the Fall? Also, in Afghanistan, how about something something David Petraus and something something what Joe Biden said once, in a book, in a paragraph which, if you read what he said next, doesn't sound at all like the scary shit I just implied he meant? Are Democrats running away like babies?
Bret Puddingchisel: Doesn’t the fact that the wacko teabaggers are losing in the primaries means that they’re a little too patriotic for the bland old GOP?
Cornyn: Ah…but the Democrats!
Democrat Jack Reed: Yes. Our candidates suck a lot sometimes.
Over on “This Week”
Christiane Amanpour runs the place like she’s accidentally scheduled a biker convention and WindyCon into the same venue on the same weekend.
Get the first mob in.
Get ‘em out.
Get the sheets changed and the furniture hosed off
Get the next mob in.
We learn that Republicans Banking Committee Sen. Bob Corker and Martin Regalia of the ultraconservative U.S. Chamber of Commerce agree on almost everything.
They agree that the very best thing we can do for the financial health of the county – and, for some reason, poor, rural folks -- is to stop making changes to stuff.
That ObamaCare scared some fictional companies away from hiring people.
That maybe we all just need to suck Wall Street’s dick a little harder.
Also we need to decide exactly how much money the fed gummint should have, then appropriate backwards to that number.
Also rich people desperately need more tax cuts.
Also “people” can decide how to spend their money better than 535 people in Washington! Hey kids, we’ve got some costumes and a barn, so lets put on a show and buy a new 21st century transit system!
Did I mention the need for more tax cuts?
Obama Economic Adviser Laura Tyson is quite correct that we have a problem with education and we need to train these fucking rubes! And that we need to rebuild our manufacturing base which has been losing jobs for all kinds of stupid, preventable reasons forever.
I agree with every bit of what she says, but I also know that if the rest of the country is even half the dimwitted nepotistic clusterfuck at getting its training system to be flexibly responsive to the needs of the small-to-medium-sized manufacturing companies (who such services the most) as we are in Chicago, it's time for everybody to buy a paper hat and learn to say “Would you like fries with that?” in Mandarin.
Tyson is also dead right that we need to invest in rebuilding our rotting infrastructure, in lowering our high school dropout rates (at which we now lead the advanced world) and getting out national R&D budget back up from the embarrassingly anemic level it is at now.
Germany, she points out, does a kick-ass job of all of this, all while sustaining a much higher tax rate than the United States. I can loudly second her observations: there are examples from all over the world of counties with far fewer advantages than the United States enjoys who are making much shrewder, long term investments in their people and their tomorrows.
The big difference between us and them? None of their major political parties have been allowed to be hijacked by a cabal of oligarchs, theocrats and unhinged bigoted imbeciles.
U.S. Chamber of Commerce guy: You know why we aren’t investing? Tax laws! We need more tax cuts! We need more deregulation! The best thing to do right now would be to extend the Bush Tax cuts.
Republican Bob Corker: I agree. Let’s leave those dang tax cuts alone!
Later on, Republican political strategist Matthew Dowd humiliated himself over and over again.
Dowd: Obama’s point of view on the NY mosque reminds me of Bush. “My way or the highway”. This is a big problem for Obama.
Dowd: Oh, sure, technically we do have things like a “constitution” and “property rights”, but that shit is all beside the point when it comes to dealing with Scary Brown People. Tolerance goes two ways!
Dowd: Obama looks weak…so he needs to cave on this issue ASAP.
Amanpour: But the people who are building this mosque have been to the White House, have condemned 9/11 and intolerance.
Dowd: Yawn. Yawn. And double fucking yawn.
Amandpour: But the people who are building this mosque have been to the White House, have condemned 9/11 and intolerance?
Chrystia Freeland (Reuters): Yeah, Dowd.
David Ignatius: You’re full of shit, Dowd.
Amanpour: What about the oddball freak teabagger types who are cluttering up the political Universe?
Dowd: It is perilous…to both sides.
Cokie Roberts: Yeah. That’s right. Democrats think they can go back to the old playbook, and use facts and stuff.
Ignatius: Robert Gibbs and his “Professional Left” talk demonstrate how people are really pissed by the Centrist, establishment stuff that Obama is pitching,
Cokie: On the other hand, voters are schizophrenic idiots.
Dowd: I will now underscore how much my dick is still in Sarah Palin’s pocket by trotting out some complicated, incoherent “sea wall” metaphor. Involving bricks. And bridges.
Next week...Will rumors about Obama's plans to appoint a gun-grabbing Muslim Chupacabra to the Supreme Court force Robert Gibbs to shoot a hippie in Reno just so Mitch McConnell can watch him die?
And don't forget
your Special Glasses.