Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Metaphor Explodes/ Sinks in Gulf of Reaganomixico

Dateline: Jesusland

Ever since the Deepwingnut Horizon rig caught fire and collapsed, spewing millions of dolt-pounds of uncontrolled, fucktard wrath into the body politic, a debate has been not-so-quietly raging among Conservative about how they can best cope with the nearly incalculable short-term and long-term damage being caused by the so-called “Bilecano”.

Some of the early victims of the sludgenami were the Moderate Republicans who, for generations, made their living in the fertile streams and deltas of Cooperation and Compromise, until wave upon hysterical wave of “Dirty RINO traitor!” rhetoric wiped out their delicate electoral ecosystems and, with them, their livelihoods.

Since then, of course, the torrent of braying idiocy has only worsened. And once it became clear to some of the last, sober-minded Movement insiders that the nation’s deepest Hate Reserves could not safely be tapped, refined and used to win elections without risking world-killing consequences like the Deepwingnut Horizon catastrophe, plans to cap the nutjobs and clean up their mess were hastily drawn up.

Unfortunately, their first effort -- an attempt to contain the rage beneath a dome of effete, silk-slipper Conservative commentators called a "FOP HAT" -- failed completely as the blasting geyser of crazy overwhelmed their attempts to pretend it didn't exist, or was just some sassmouths on the fringe, or that it was mere "entertainment".

Their second effort was a scheme nicknamed “GOP KILL". This plan called for all leading Conservatives to simultaneously run like Hell away from the wreckage they created. Then, after they had burned their “Bush/Cheney” uniforms, they would begin calling themselves “Libertarians”, “Tea Baggers”, “Independents”, “True Conservatives” and swear on the lives of their sainted mothers that they’d never even heard of politics before January, 2009. Finally, they would all meet up again in front of Reagan’s tomb in 5-6 years to re-constitute the Party of God after all the unpleasantness is forgotten.

“GOP KILL" fared just as badly as "FOP HAT", and in their failures the truth of what the Dirty Fucking Hippes been warning them about for 40 years began to slowly dawn: that once the Cracker Kraken has been released, there is very little one can to get it back on the leash.

However, despite the obvious and ever-growing body on evidence that their course of action has been an unmitigated disaster, some Conservative insiders maintain that destroying America in order to hang onto power is still preferable to the horrifying alternative of having to stop behaving like nasty little children throwing a perpetual sugar high tantrum, grow the fuck up and start cooperating with people they disagree with for the good of the nation and the future.

Speaking off-the-record, one highly-placed Conservative spokesperson explained:
“You can talk all you want about those allegedly 'clean' alternative electoral sources. "Prudent governance". "Comity". "Long term planning". But it’s all bullshit. Everybody knows what powered the GOP through the last 40 years has been a steady, reliable supply of cheap and plentiful furious imbecility. And since the early days when Nixon and Reagan sank the first Atwater shafts into vast pools of Hippie Hatred, Racism, and “Government is the Problem”…right up through the Middle Class strip mining operations of the 90s when we brought million of tons of Coulter-grade fascism online, the Party of God has been gotten even more dependent on the phenomenal energy of demagoguery.

"But the truth is, the early, plentiful sources are running out, and if we want to continue to enjoy the standard of Republican Large Living that we have all become accustomed to, we have to drill ever deeper."

But what about accidents like Deepwingnut Horizon?

"I ain't gonna lie: like the song says, 'accidents will happen' and Freedom isn't Free you fucking Commie! And when it comes to winning elections, only some op-ed page dickhead could actually be oblivious enough to believe that, say, a sober discussion of national priorities is gonna get the Pig People to the polls. No, if you want to WIN in the Republican Party, nothing comes close to cranking out contributions and the election day amps as posters of the President of the United States with a bone through his nose being carried by hillbillies screaming 'Hitler!'"

And what of the revulsion of the general public?

"Look, this so-called 'general public'? I don't know if you noticed this, but they don’t fuckin’ vote, OK. Believers vote. Fanatics vote. And over on our side of the barn they vote their bloodlust and their terror, so fuck what Mr. and Mrs. American Idol think. And anyway, with aggressive enough press management techniques and several million gallons of an attention dispersant called Cent-Rism, we can keep public knowledge of what the fuck is going on to a minimum to begin with."

But what about the terrible, long-term damage that combining a toxic chemical like Cent-Rism with the already massive and poisonous fucktard spill could cause to the country?
“What are ya, some kinda fag?!”


'I know I have become the intellectual engine of the conservative movement.'


The Fool said...

Absolutely brilliant. Your adaptation of the oil spill disaster to Republican politics is a work of inspired genius.

Your recent theme of the conservatives who whistle past the graveyard pretending they are not responsible for totalling the national car has not only been hilarious, it also makes a very important point. We've heard lots of talk about accountability and responsibility over the years. Well, let's have some.

Plus, I love having that weasel David Brooks raked over the coals for being the mealy-mouthed, meretricious little hemhorrhoid that he is. Can't get enough of that.

double nickel said...


Betty Cracker said...

Pure genius!

Len said...

Oh and don't forget:

Apparently another disaster of epic proportions awaits:

The Atlantis (the other deepwater rig) is pumping 200,00 barrels a day and when that field gets going with 16 rigs......It would make the Deepwater Horizon look like a bubble in the water.

Anonymous said...

Truly inspired!

Anonymous said...

Why isn't this in the New York Times?

Kiss the Zygon said...

In a sane world, this would be in the New York Times, and David Brooks would be ranting on a street corner.

Brilliant metaphor. You should be much, much better known.

Anonymous said...

What Kiss the Zygon said.

Tim said...

Perhaps a bit over the top...
See see and everyone thought those Survivalist were crazy... Collect spam everyone..

SteveUpNorth said...

*slow building applause*

I can't wrap my head around how writing like this exists only on a blog, and barely coherent folksy ramblings from Brooks make it into the New York Fucking Times.