Adequate! Adequate!

Your biased, bleary and unfair State of the Union review, rough hewn and pounded out on horseback (well, bar-stool) with liberals to the right of me, liberals to the left of me, and Chris Matthews forcefully stating the sun-blottingly-plain-as-Keith-Olbermann’s-massive-melon obvious.

It is, for your entertainment, divided into Real Quotes (designated by quotation marks), Fake Quotes (Designated BHO), and commentary, which is everything else

BHO: Madam President, Members of Congress, humans, Lieberman, shut your collective pie holes and lend me your ears. And, yes, I’m talking to you Wilson.

BHO: I am the President, and for over, like, 20 years now already, America has had tough times. So many of them that, jeez, you’d think Almighty God was really angry with us or something. Even way back in olden days when our country was in black and white. Or daguerreotypes.

BHO: We are One nation. One people. Except for the Civil War. So, OK, you got me there.

BHO: We’re falling but not plummeting. So bite me.

BHO: A child sent me his allowance, proving that children are apparently still writing letters. So that’s good.

BHO: Shouting? Partisanship? Pettiness? Do not want!

Chuck Grassley is showing off his vivid red vest. Which means that ritual courtship display season has come again to the GOP.

And oh how the Conservative ladies love it so.


BHO: Americans are resilient. They bounce good. Like a Superball even.

They're almost alive!

For some reason, the grubby unemployed speak in parallel poetic construction, which is also good.

Periwinkle is obviously the new flag pin.

BHO: The last administration fucked everything into the ground and peed on the rubble.

A look of horror spreads over the Republicans as BHO dares to reveal the closest-held secret of their cult.

BHO: We recovered most of the money from the banks. Except for some sofa change and stuff I think went through the wash.

A call to soak the fucking bankers. (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking dyspeptic.)

BHO: We cut taxes. (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking crabbed.)

Jobs saved. (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking irritable-bowelish.)

Jobs bill. Who doesn’t love?

BHO: Small businesses. In America, is there any other kind of “grit and determination” but “sheer”? I think not. Comrade!

BHO: Small business loans through community banks? Anyone? (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking petulant.)

Apparently all taxes of any kind will be cut to zero forever.

Infrastructure? Shit! Why not…Ultrastructure?!?!

A call to get rid of tax breaks for companies that ship jobs overseas? (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking surly. This is the point at which the GOP’s little sit-in stops looking like solidarity and now looks just irredeemably dickish.)

“Washington has been telling us to wait for decades. China’s not waiting.”

“I do not accept 2nd place for the the United States.”

So...4th?

BHO: I’m not interested in punishing banks.

(Cut to Dodd with a mile wide ++OhDearGodThankYou!++ thought-bubble hovering over his head.)

Regulatory reform. (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking sullen.)

Exporting is good. We’ll double it, and add two million new jobs.

Tax credits for college? (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking reptilian.)

Public service? (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking peevish.)

Pull any more shenanigans and I will pull this Ship of State over and veto your ass!

The Supremes get spanked. Well, as much as you can spank five shitwhistles with lifetime tenure. I don’t know that this has ever been done before. So good on you, President Obama.

We still need to govern. Democrats, we have the largest majority in decades, so do something already.

A call to serve citizens not personal ambitions? (Democrats applaud. Republicans sit looking pouty-pouty-poo-poo.)

BHO: We could argue all we want about who is to blame…

Yes! Lets finally, finally, finally DO THAT!

Oh. Rhetorical. I get it.

BHO: C’mon, psychos! After 20 years of being asshole, how about you put down the flamethrower that’s gotten you everything you have in this life, step down off the pile of bodies you have slain and heaped into an altar to your sick ideology and behave like decent people. What’dya say!

Crickets.

“I’ve embraced the values of Ronald Reagan and John F. Kennedy.”

Fucking Hollywood starlets? Oh. Eliminating nukes. See, that would’ve been my third guess, after the starlet thing, and sporting a fine head of dark, lustrous hair.

Here comes the laundry list. Its a good list. I'm very, very proud we do things like this.

Hey, where’s my fucking switchgrass? Where’s Mars bitches?

“...that no matter who you are or what you look like, if you abide by the law you should be protected by it.” OK, that's the only factual error I could find in this speech, but its kind of a big one. Because every citizen of the United States, not just those who "abide by the law", deserve the full protection of that law.

That is, in fact, one of the pillars of our democracy, and it is actually fairly shocking that it got past not just the White House speech-writing team, but former Constitutional Law Professor, Barack Obama.

The only reason we are here today is that generations of American did stuff. Hard stuff. Had anvils dropped on their heads, but stood up together and knit a new circle of freedom’s ringing truths. Or something.

Except, of course, for the Civil War.
Oh, and Jim Crow.
Well, basically the entire history of civil rights.
And the entire history of worker right.
Actually, it sure as hell seems that every advance in those fields domestically resulted from it being pried out of powerful, unwilling hands, often by force.

But hey, whatever.

America, fuck yeah!

As I said, an adequate speech (if you don't get the reference, it is from "Dog Day Afternoon".) (Not Safe For Work)


And my President is sniffing happy glue made from unicorn hooves if he thinks anything he said tonight is going to coax even one Republican down out of the crazy tree.

Because the view is just too nice from up there.