Sunday, November 08, 2009

The "Independent" Granfalloon


In which I play a little game with myself trying to predict what piffle David Fucking Brooks will be trafficking tomorrow on MTP as Rachael Maddow puts her Keds up his ass.

I'm guessing Bobo will be Speaking With Authority about "Independents"; after all he wrote a whole, dumb column about it on Thursday, and has been dining out on that dumb column on radio and teevee for the last two days, so why not make a Sunday brunch out of the leftovers too?

In case you are unfamiliar with David Fucking Brooks' œuvre, for as long as anyone can remember he has made a very fine living purporting to Speak With Authority on a variety of subjects about which he was either wrong, or about which no one has any business speaking with authority in the first place. In the past, some of his favorites topics have been the Awesomeness of the Coming Republican Majority, the Secret Genius of George W. Bush, Scooter Libby's honor bona fides [apparently based mostly on the fact that A) he actually paid!for!his!own!lunch! with Bobo, and B) He didn't say "fuck" even once or wipe his treasonous nose on his shirtsleeve], the smashing victory over Existential Evil which was always juuuust around the next corner in beautiful, downtown Baghdad, and how scary women can be when they get all educated and uppity.

Bobo is one of the MSM's last remaining "Reasonable Conservatives" whose face doesn't give children nightmares and whose voice doesn't stun dogs into comas for six blocks in every direction. And being a man who is chronically short on original thinking to begin with, to keep up with the demand, Bobo is notorious for double- and triple-dipping the same shopworn topic for 2-3 different paydays a week as shamelessly as any Chicago alderman selling insurance out of the back of his neighborhood office.

And since his schtick depends on squeezing a few extra drops out of the same old lemons week after week, Bobo is never happier or more in his element than when he is curled up in his NYT Snuggie, sipping cocoa from his David Fucking Broder commemorative mug in front of a big, roaring fire of Conventional Washington Wisdom, and repeating in well-modulated tones what everyone else in D.C. is thinking. Which is why he let his Villager spurs all the way out as he rode the subject of the "independent" voter into the ground, opining in great, farty word-pillows about the mores and folkways of a group of people who -- by definition -- have no, definable commonality.

So after stitching together a couple of snippets from a couple of polls into a big, floppy sack, Bobo dumped every loose button and paper-clip of his own privileged, white, suburban, middle-aged, Boomer Burkean bourgeoisie terror into it and called it analysis...
What Independents Want
By DAVID BROOKS

Liberals and conservatives each have their own intellectual food chains. They have their own think tanks to provide arguments, politicians and pundits to amplify them, and news media outlets to deliver streams of prejudice-affirming stories.

Independents, who are the largest group in the electorate, don’t have any of this. They don’t have institutional affiliations. They don’t look to certain activist lobbies for guidance. There aren’t many commentators who come from an independent perspective.
...

The most telling races this year were the suburban rebellions across the country. For example, in Westchester and Nassau counties in New York, Republican candidates came from nowhere to defeat entrenched Democratic county officials. In blue Pennsylvania, the G.O.P. won six out of seven statewide offices.
...

Why? What do these voters want?
...
According to Gallup, the percentage of Americans who believe that there is too much government regulation rose from 38 percent in 2008 to 45 percent in 2009. The percentage of Americans who want unions to have less influence rose from 32 percent to a record 42 percent.

Americans have moved to the right on abortion, immigration and global warming. Over the past seven months, the number of people who say government is doing too many things better left to business has jumped from 40 percent to 48 percent, according to a Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll.
Surprise! By making a tasty tossed salad out of a grab-bag of different polls and "trends" that are a scant seven months long, Bobo desperately wants you to infer that the country is being driven by "independents", and independents have made some massive leap to the Right. He then sucker-punches the same, wingnut strawmen -- unions, abortion, "too much Gummint"
(and as a brief aside, I've always been dying to know by exactly how much the "too much Gummint" crowd thinks Gummint should be decreased? By by seven percent? By three feet? By four fathoms? 90 angstroms? 135 degrees? 44 pounds? 23 Hamiltons per square Addams? They seem to have a very definite number in mind, but are mysteriously unwilling to share it with the rest of the class, so I have to wonder, is this a secret number? Is there a conspiracy to keep the secret "Decreasing Gummint By This Amount Will Solve All Our Problems" number from us? And, if so, who are these conspirators? And why do the hate America so much that they're conspiring to keep the all-important "Decreasing Gummint By This Amount Will Solve All Our Problems" number from us?)
-- in the crotch before leaving us with meaningless burbles of eternal Bobo wisdom like this:

If I were a politician trying to win back independents, I’d say something like this: When I was a kid, I had a jigsaw puzzle of the U.S....
and
Independents support the party that seems most likely to establish a frame of stability and order...
Feh.

Nobody knows what “independents” want, because “independent” as a modern political category is a textbook example of what Kurt Vonnegut defined in "Cat's Cradle" as a "granfalloon":
"...a proud and meaningless association of human beings"
Because “independent” can mean any-damn-thing, or nothing at all.

Consider that if you defined “independent” as someone who, broadly speaking, supported a Liberal agenda (not the imaginary, shadow-puppets-made-out-of-Rush-Limbaugh-stool-samples “Liberal agenda” that Conservatives have been using to scare stupid people into committing economic suicide for 30 years, but the real Liberal agenda) but was not welded to a particular candidate, or even to a particular party, then that would describe me pretty well.

But I'm also quite sure that a fair chunk of the the 5% of the voting public which -- just 24 hours before the 2004 Presidential elections -- still couldn't quite make up their minds whether to vote for Kerry/Edwards, or the lying, feeble-minded frat boy (and his homicidal regent) who had fucked up everything he had ever touched ...consider themselves "independents".

Rebel nuns who might just think that letting a rape victim have access to abortion services would not be the end of the world?

Independents.

Snake-handling queer-hating Leviticans who think the GOP is too gutless because it won’t advocate rounding up Teh Gay and putting them in camps?

Independents.

Bunker-dwelling survivalists?

Independents.

Pimple-faced 30-something John Galt wannabees who masturbate themselves blind to “Atlas Shrugged” because that hot chick in accounting won’t give them a second look, but won’t she be sorry when Objectivists stop the engine of the world and people like her will have to stand in line to offer their vajay-jays to the alpha studs wealth producers!

Independents.

Klansmen who want to smoke a little weed?

Independents.

America's compulsive political middle-children who have been taught so thoroughly to compromise their way out of any conflict that they will travel a 1,000 miles just to find a fence to straddle?

The opinionless little ciphers who just want to make sure they line up with a winner?

The moral cowards wouldn’t pick a side with a gun pressed to their heads, because of the terror of then being committed to actually doing something instead of snarking their way through life declaring "Well, ya know, bote sides are juss a buncha crooks anyway!" about every situation regardless of context and circumstances?

If asked, I guarantee you all virtually of those people would tell you that they think of themselves as “independent”.

And based on simple observation, guess who appears to be the largest group of late-blooming independents?

Those fucknozzles who, after giving Dubya the longest tongue bath in modern political history while calling everyone else a traitor, started gagging on the sheer tonnage of bullshit their creepy idolatry of George W. Bush was requiring them to swallow and obediently regurgitate every fucking day, that's who.

Most newly minted “independents” seem to be little more than Republicans who are fleeing the scene of their crime, but at the same time still desperately want believe in the inerrant wisdom of Rush Limbaugh. They are completely incapable of facing the horrifying reality that they have gotten every single major political opinion and decision of their adult lives completely wrong, so instead they double-down on their hatred of women and/or gays and/or brown people and/or Liberals, and blame them for the miserable fuckpit their leaders and their policies have made of their lives and futures.

Like German soldiers after the fall of Berlin, they have stopped running away from the catastrophe they created only long enough to burn their uniforms.

But they fool no one.

Except, apparently, David Fucking Brooks.

18 comments:

Serving Patriot said...

DG -- RIGHTEOUS!!!!!

SP

Serving Patriot said...

PS -- love the graphic!

StringonaStick said...

I can no longer hear the words "David Brooks" without my brain changing it to "David FUCKING Brooks", and for that I thank you.

Dusty said...

Speak it brotha!

darkblack said...

Bobo is a bad Canuck - therefore, according to the American custom, deportation to the tender mercies of Syria is the only viable option.

;>)

Suzan said...

And he's not fooled at all. He's the one in charge of fooling the fools. And the pay is excellent!

Sheesh.

No one writes the truth about political reporting like you do. Would that it were run on NPR every week like the other literary masterpieces.

S

And based on simple observation, guess who appears to be the largest group of late-blooming independents?

Those fucknozzles who, after giving Dubya the longest tongue bath in modern political history while calling everyone else a traitor, started gagging on the sheer tonnage of bullshit their creepy idolatry of George W. Bush was requiring them to swallow and obediently regurgitate every fucking day, that's who.

Most newly minted “independents” seem to be little more than Republicans who are fleeing the scene of their crime, but at the same time still desperately want believe in the inerrant wisdom of Rush Limbaugh. They are completely incapable of facing the horrifying reality that that they have gotten every single major political opinion and decision of their adult lives completely wrong, so instead they double-down on their hatred of women and/or gays and/or brown people and/or Liberals, and blame them for the miserable fuckpit their leaders and their policies have made of their live and futures.

Like German soldiers after the fall of Berlin, they have stopped running away from the catastrophe they created only long enough to burn their uniforms.

But they fool no one.

Except, apparently, David Fucking Brooks.

therealhellkitty said...

don"t hold back, tell us what you really think!

Driftglass, I read your posts all the time and I have to say that you cut through the noise like no one else. Sometimes I can't breathe for how hard you make me laugh. Thanks for all you to.

Anonymous said...

Your words and images always ring true when coming to Driftglass.

"Consider that if you defined “independent” as someone who, broadly speaking, supported a Liberal agenda but was not welded to a particular candidate, or even to a particular party, then that would describe me pretty well."

Good to be at the top of your list, with you.

Mark

knowdoubt said...

What a graphic...the resemblance is so striking they could pass for twins.
Yes, Susan that closing is good and npr would be a better place with real news and commentary that cuts through the crap like nobody but driftglass can, it has become just another MSM over the last eight years.

Rehctaw said...

Alas Sweet Bobo, wither thou wither.

After decades of huffing the pure stuff, straight off Ronnie's taint, his remnant gray matter is flummoxed for the next fix. Wasting. Sustaining on flashbacks and first-class pharmaceuticals, but nothing can replace the heady rush of rectitude derived from the GOP bareback pony rides.

Marking time. Waiting for the rapture to restore his currency.

Quite sad really, until you skewer and serve it up with perfection.

Another gem sir.

IndieTarheel said...

I got pointed in this direction from Balloon Juice, and all I can say is:

AWESOME.RANT.SIR.

Anonymous said...

Given that a mere 20% of those asked will identify themselves as members of the "Graft O Plenty" party...vs. the over 50% who proudly proclaimed their complete rejection of any semblence of morality or reality a few years back....how long can DFB continue in his game of deck chair managment? Then again...somebody still pays Jabba the Rove to spew ......and Bill "I am literaly never right about anything" Kristol....
P.S. As a Robert whose nickname used to be Bob-o.....please reconsider

Trickle Down BS said...

As long as we have people like us, we are never going to let Republicans forget about George W. Bush and the mess he and his Republican Party left us…no, no sir, we are not going to allow them to make Obama take ownership of the economy, the banking mess, health care, the two wars and other messed up legacies. YOU REPUBLICANS OWN IT, EVEN IF NOW YOU CALL YOURSELVES INDEPENDENT

SadButTrue said...

Great stuff. It had the same effect on me that it had on StringonaStick. Henceforth he shall be known as David Fucking Brooks.

One persistent fallacy of American political discourse is that independents must ALL occupy a position between the R's and the D's. Brooks seems to be a chief purveyor of this untruth.

The teabag crowd has shown that a small number at least are to the improbable right of the R's. I'm hoping that the number to the left of the D's is vastly larger, but not so vocal. If not, we're screwed.

prof fate said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Nobody and I mean nobody serves up a good old homestyle Bobo flambé like our redoubtable host.

Though why he had to pick on a nice, inoffensive mole rat by associating it with that ambulatory trafe and meat-byproduct-for-brains pundit is impossible to fathom. If I were driftglass, I'd be watching my ankles every time I ventured onto their turf.

Of course, if I were driftglass, I'd also be much smarter and tons handsomer.

Rich said...

Way back when, Reagan was first running for office and he spoke of eliminating $90 billion from the budget. He figured "Hey, we'll just eliminate waste, fraud & abuse!"
Even as a young college student, it was obvious to me that people have absolutely zero problems finding programs to cut. Problem is, everybody wants to cut everybody else's program. No one wants to cut a program that benefits them.
Obviously, "independents" are people who simply haven't figured this out yet.

Rich said...

And to SadButTrue, I've never considered myself as being between the two parties. I've always been off to the left of the Democratic Party. I also agree that there are a buttload of people off to the right of the Republican Party.
Nah, you're right. There's a bit of space between the parties, but there's much more off to either side of them.

Denny Smith said...

So good, it needs to be recycled at least once a month via every channel available. No one nails it better than DG.