Shovel-Ready Edition
On “PreFox/Local Fox”
Congressman Danny “Luke, I am…your Congressman!” Davis rolls by to talk a little politics and burnish his “I’m the guy who turned that crazy summbitch down” reputation.
(No, so far as anyone knows, Danny Davis not an evil Sith Lord: he has a voice that is almost phonographically-identical to James Earl Jones.)Also some people say local Fox Anchor Jack Conaty has embedded the Murdoch “Some people say…” protocol
so deeply into his firmware that when he gets up to use the bathroom he automatically shouts “Some people say I needz to make peh-peh” to no one in particular.
On “Face the Nation”
Dick Cheney lies for 24 minutes, smirking every second.
Bob Schieffer. Are we better off now than eight years ago.
Cheney: Oh fuck yeah. Sure the next Administration will have challenges, sure, but who doesn’t? And Iraq is so much better off now than when we went in.
Bob Schieffer. On reflection, do you think we had a bad plan?
Cheney: We could debate that forever…
No, we won't.
Iraq is settled history.
The Bush/Cheney cabal’s status as unindicted war criminals, looters, traitors and madmen is settled history.
What isn’t clear is why Bob Schieffer handed this sack of ambulatory evil any face-time on teevee at all.
Did he think there would be some breakthrough? Some new information?
After eight years of shitting on the Constitution, smiling about it, bragging about it, stonewalling any suggestion that anything he had ever done was anything other than unimpeachably patriotic and noble, what in the world was the thinking behind putting a camera on this degenerate old monster and letting him growl out one, final half-hour of Victory Tour treachery?
Cheney: The original campaign was masterful. We underestimated how damaged the Iraqi people had been by Hussein.
Translation: What happened in Iraq wasn't our fault. We discharged our White Man's Burden flawlessly, but those sand n*gger savages couldn't handle being free.
Which, as with virtually every other wormy drizzle of claptrap that has oozed out of this thugs's bibble-spigot for the last eight years, is a goddamn lie.
Yes, there was a plan.
There were professionals who had spent years planning for just this scenario.
And their plans and advice were kicked to the curb because they didn’t fit the Cheney Smash and Grab theory of foreign policy.
Cheney: There weren’t any Iraqis early on who could have stood up for themselves. All those people got their heads chopped off under Saddam.
Another lie.
There were tens of thousands -- possibly hundreds of thousand -- of Iraqi Army officers and soldiers who were standing ready to throw in the with the US Occupation Authority --
-- and they were told to piss off.
That we didn’t need them.
Because to steal on a global scale -- to steal entire countries -- Cheney and Company needed chaos.
Because an orderly transition that would have interfered with Republican loyalists, stooges, contractors and campaign contributors getting crazy rich feeding off the American taxpayer and the corpse of Iraq.
And so instead of flipping the Iraqi Army, George Bush and Dick Cheney decided to fired them. To humiliate them. To turn hundreds of thousands of armed, trained soldiers loose into the streets and alleys of Iraq without hope, without jobs and without futures, in country where there were a hundred times more unguarded ammo dumps than functioning electrical generators.
And on the day, George Bush and Dick Cheney created the Iraqi Insurgency.
Cheney: I’m not at all sure that having a few hundred thousand more troops would have made any difference.
Schieffer: How do you think we got it so wrong?
Cheney: I don’t look at it as we got anything wrong. The original intelligence was wrong. But you never have perfect intelligence.
Cheney: You can debate about did we have the right structure. Should we set it up with exiles?
Schieffer: Did you look at the intel and see what you wanted to see?
Cheney: No.
Schieffer: Did you go too far with the warrentless spying on Americans thingie?
Cheney: Hells no. We have absolute authority under Chancellor Bush’s wartime powers to do whatever the fuck we want. I mean, Lincoln suspended habeas corpus.
Schieffer: But that was illegal?
Cheney: And FDR had internment camps. Lucky bastard. Of course, no one’s saying that was a good thing…
Cheney: And everything we did was done with the full support of the Justice Department and the Attorney General.
Translation: Our hands are clean because our hand-picked sock-puppet and his crack staff of loyal Regent and Liberty University Conservative Christopath law zombies wrote us a blank check.
Schieffer: Would you do it all again?
Cheney: Absolutely. If we’d had some mass-casualty attack you’d be sitting here grilling me about it.
You know, it's one thing to lie about obscure technical matters, but only a stone-cold sociopath with the soul of a serial-killer will look you in the eye and lie about multiple, massive, bloody, treasonable acts you both know perfectly well are matters of settled, public record.
And only a craven man desperately looking to goose up his ratings would put such a person on the air, Schieffer.
On “Meet the Press”
A translucent entity named Harry Reid is waving in the slight breeze coming out of David Gregory’s mouth.
Commercial: A little bit of gray hair is Teh Hot.
Still waving…
Commercial: Your investment portfolio…
Still waving…
Commercial: We still don’t drill for oil. We “explore” for “energy”.
Still waving…
Then, a panel discusses stuff. Oh boy!
On “This Week” Blagojevich and Bailouts.
The Panel: George Will, Cokie Roberts, Jonathan Karl and Katrina Vanden Heuvel.
Cokie: Scandal makes me feel alive. I remember back in 1974…
Katrina: Fuck you people. There are bigger issues The alleged crimes of Rod Blagojevich pale beside our real problems. Where is the accountability for the two greatest scandals of our time; the looting of our markets and the war in Iraq?
driftglass: I believe she’s talking about YOU Cokie…
Cokie: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Will (getting back to the Great Illinois Political Pigwrestle): This is a circus of situational ethics.
Jonathan Karl: Most of the lost jobs are in the service sector. These people aren’t exactly shovel-ready themselves.
driftglass: It depends on which end of the “service sector” you’re talking about. If you mean low-level Wall Street debt-dealers then, yes, building roads will not help them. But if you’re talking about people who work in restaurant, hotels, dry cleaners, even hospitals, guess what? Those people prosper when the construction and manufacturing workers have money to spend on amenities.
driftglass: And, yes, health care should not be considered an amenity, but as builders, fabricators, dry-wallers, tool makers and other “shovelers” lose their jobs, they lose their health care too.
Cokie: Maybe they can stop seeing their personal trainers and get out there and paint my house!
Katrina: There is such an investment deficit in this county from the last eight years of Republican maladministration…
George Will: Screw infrastructure. People decided they didn’t care about roads turning to pebbles and bridges falling down. Dams and levees. Classrooms crumbling. You wanna fix this? Cut taxes.
Katrina: All the experts say that about one trillion dollars of spending is what is needed to meet this problem “at scale”. Action and action now is what is needed.
George Will (On Gaza, packing generations of conflict, faith, politics, geography, grudges and nuance into the Villager Issue Simplification Compactor): Democracy doesn’t work. Land-for-peace doesn’t work.
driftglass: Gee, George, maybe if we just cut their taxes...
On ”The Chris Matthews Show”
Panel: Joe Klein, Erin Burnett, Norah O'Donnell, David Brooks.
Brooks: Everybody loves tax cuts!
Matthews: What about soaking the rich?
Klein: I don’t think there are all that many rich people left given all the Wall Street scammery.
Translation: Doan touch mah change purse!
Out of Erin Burnett's mouth pops "Shovel-ready jobs means tennis courts and pools" without reason or context.
Klein: You have to understand how serious he [Obama] is about the Green Jobs. Now that the pulling-make-believe-profits-out-of-our-asses-by-lying-cheating-bribing-and-scamming-old-people economy (also known as the "University of Chicago" school) has failed, he believes green jobs will be the turbine that'll drive a new economy.
Brooks: I am filled with
Klein: Evolution is back, baby!
Erin Burnett: Wind and solar don’t make sense economically.
driftglass: No, wind and solar just require the patient capital that our twitchy A.D.D., Now!Now!Right Now! market-driven system will never be able to provide as long as wind and solar investments remain dependent on the schizophrenic will of oil speculators.
Also, is anyone surprised that Erin “high-maintenance news hottie” Burnett is also an outspoken apologist for poison Chinese toys –-
“…-- and yet another Gold Man-Sacks alum?
I think people should be careful what they wish for on China. You know, if China were to revalue its currency or China is to start making, say, toys that don‘t have lead in them or food that isn‘t poisonous, their costs of production are going to go up, and that means prices at Wal-Mart here in the United States are going to go up, too. So I would say China is our greatest friend right now. They‘re keeping prices low and they‘re keeping prices for mortgages low, too.”
Finally, on “Fox News Sunday”
House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer demonstrates that the Fox News embargo is too porous to succeed long term that that we’ll probably have to move for regime change.
First, bailout chit chat, then the Employee Free Choice Act.
Wallace: What about Big Evil Labor’s biggest, evilest issue – the “Dirty Commies Robbing American Workers Of Their Rights” bill?
Hoyer: You mean the Employee Free Choice Act?
Wallace: Well, both sides have their euphemisms…
Hoyer: And you used one side’s: that’s what I’m smiling about.
Wallace: What about Cholly Rangel? Why shouldn’t he step down?
Hoyer: Yeah, he’s a pip, that Cholly.
Wallace: But you said in September you needed to know the facts before you spanked him? That was four while months ago. What have you been doing?
Hoyer: Well, since then we’ve been kinda busy. We’ve had Christmas. Thanksgiving. An election. New Years. Market collapse. Auto industry collapse. Also we won, so bite me.
Wallace: Thanks from coming in; we did a lot of business today.
Yes. Yes you did.
Wallace: Next, you Won’t Fucking Believe what Old Man Bush says about his kid!
Wallace: GHW Bush, you were a super-awesome hero and now you have an aircraft carrier named after you.
GHW Bush: That’s so true, Chris.
Wallace: So do you believe this is the last act of an awesome life awesomely devoted to public service?
GHW Bush: It’s a nice boat. Very big. Mmmm. Boat.
Wallace: You are very emotional.
GHW Bush: Yes. Read my lips: There. Will. Be. Tears.
Wallace: You’re also having a big lunch this week with all the ex-Presidents.
GHW Bush: I’m having the French apple pudding.
Wallace: You mean the “Freedom Custard”, don’t you sir?
GHW Bush: Read my lips; I want more pudding.
Wallace: Do you have any advice for our new Socialist/Terrorist-Loving President?
GHW Bush: I’d wish him well. I don’t think I’d be able to tell him anything about governing.
Wallace: Is there any advice you’d give to any hypothetical president?
GHW Bush: Did Annie Harper-Thetical win?
Wallace: No sir.
GHW Bush: Well then, I’d tell Annie to get good people. Also fuck the press.
Wallace: You're saying the honeymoon isn't going to last forever.
Invisible Babs: Shiiit, some of us never got a honeymoon.
GHW Bush: Shut up!
Wallace: What do you think of Barack Obama?
GHW Bush: Wish I knew him better. Impressed with his style. Coolness. Articulate. Like that Cosby fella on “I Spy”. Is “I Spy” on right now?
Invisible Babs: Well I think this is working out very well for him!
GHW Bush: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Wallace: And your son? Moving from Greatest President Evah to mere mortal must be hard?
GHW Bush: Read my lips; come back to Texas.
Wallace: Yes, you said you wanted to get your son back home and away from all of those horribly unfair attacks.
GHW Bush: Grossly unfair. 9/11. New York Times. Mommy and Daddy so proud!
Wallace: You have said that there were some things that he might be fairly criticized for. You wanna talk about that?
GHW Bush: Go back to your whatchacallit Google and figure all that out.
Wallace: On a scale of one-to-Jebus, just how awesome is Dubya?
GHW Bush: We’re very close. I’m pretty sure he no long wants to kill me in my sleep and steal my woman. So, we're like any other father and son. Total confidence. Unlimited pride.
GHW Bush: Jeb would be a superawesome Senator. Also a superawesome Preznit.
Wallace: Really?
GHW Bush: Yes, Kinda like that Like that Culp fella on “I Spy”. When does “I Spy” come on again?
Wallace: Gonna jump out of a plane again?
Invisible Babs: Abso-fucking-lutely he is, if I have to kick him through the door. Me and Little George are going to keep dropping Mr. One Term here out of the sky until we get it right. Then we can finally be together.
GHW Bush: Shut up you harpy! Lalalala, I-am-not-listening-to-you!
Wallace: Thank you, Mr, President.
GHW Bush: Thank you, Pudding Man.
4 comments:
'What isn’t clear is why Bob Schieffer handed this sack of ambulatory evil any face-time on teevee at all.'
Hey, careerist emissaries of malevolence need love, too.
'Bobbing for Dick' is merely a wholesome method of showing fealty, if you will, to an enterprise that rewards its courtiers for service well performed.
;>)
In defense of Mr. Schieffer there's always an outside chance that the criminals booked on his show will say something indictable.
Fuckface Cheney has done that at least a couple dozen times over his spree. When (If) we have a functioning Justice Department, on the record statements will be handy to have.
Explaining the difference between immunity, impunity and actionable fuckfacedness to someone from opposite world would be a waste of valuable airtime.
As to the rest of the jabbering jacobites, it is their imperative to keep the waters churning. To prevent focus on a common locus through which the rabble have been kept distracted.
Panelists must sign a boilerplate agreement worded:
"All parties agree that if our part in this criminal conspiracy is ever revealed and examined, there will be hell to pay."
For Bobo, Crackie and Gorge Will, being soulless and clueless, this is still the best gig going.
20% are still gonna believe.
Relative to the Blago/Burris sitch, we now have Bill Richardson, Obama's nominee for Secretary of Commerce, withdrawing because a Grand Jury is looking into the possibility that he may have been involved in some kind of influence-peddling, himself.
I would like to point out a few things:
He has been charged with nothing.
He has been convicted of nothing.
He's a LATINO!
And Jane Hamsher and her ilk have expressed, that I can find, not a micron of outrage about Obama's letting him go down without a fight.
This, at the same time that they have been screaming that the american govermental system may go into a death spiral, if Harry Reid and his vile co-racists don't INSTANTLY seat poor, sinned-against, Roland Burris; the squeaky-clean statesmanlike choice of Governor Blagojevich, who has also been formally charged with zippo.
The quality of mercy on the part of the "legalists" helping sustain Team Blago/Burris has been strained to the point of hernial rupture.
I leave now to go door-to-door, collecting funds for trusses...LOTS AND LOTS of trusses.
"Thank you, Pudding Man."
Ah-yep: That one's a keeper.
The deep and abiding collateral shame of having sired the runaway favorite pick for World's Biggest Fuck-Up couldn't have happened to a worthier individual.
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