So Much Dumb

So little time.


If Bill Kristol didn’t have the blood of thousands of innocent people on his hands, didn’t collect huge paychecks for being American Fascism’s most persistently wrong spokesmodel, and didn’t walk around all day with a massive, vulture-atop-a-mountain-of-corpses-grin chiseled into the front of his head…it would almost be possible to feel a twinge of pity for him.

Once he stood upon the brink of a brave, new Neocon order: so close to Wingtard Heaven he could almost smell the sweet perfume of a billion scary brown people (who just happened to be squatting on top of Our God Damn Oil) being nuked to shadows and dust, almost hear the triumphal march of Blackwater storm troopers merrily rounding up the last of the hippies. Negroes, queers, uppity wimmin and ACLU card-holders, almost touch the headstone over the grave where he buried the American Middle Class, and almost taste George Bush’s golf shoe on the throat of every other nation on Earth.

And he did it all by waving his little pen around.

Year after year jotting out little screeds to be gobbled up by the brownshirts who read his nasty little rag, or regurgitating the jist of those little screeds on nasty, little teevee shows.

In other words as long as he stuck with playing tee-ball with angry, myopic children he could pretend he was Babe Fucking Ruth.

Then – for reasons that still passeth all understanding – he was called up to the majors, dropped on the mound, and told to bring the heat.

No surprise: Kristol’s game is strictly sandlot, and his wingnut, fact-challenged razzle-dazzle started falling laughably apart from day one. (h/t Crooks & Liars)

Now I don’t know who Barack Hussein Obama will pick as his Vice President (actually I do, but I’m sure as hell not telling you), but I can be pretty damned sure that:

1. Whoever it is, Bloody Bill will find it both Shocking! and Outrageous!, and

2. He has already stamped out some boilerplate, hate-by-numbers prose for $100-a-word and is waiting only for the actual name to be announced so he can get his Neocon nod on.

So to save us all a little time, using the Driftglass Word Chipper (™) [a combination of cunning, reverse engineering software of my own design running on some of the most advanced, linguistic deconstructing hardware available] and samples of Kristol’s own creative typing, I assembled below what both leading imaginary scientists and Baby Jebus believe to be a startlingly accurate simulation of the plug-and-play column that has surely existed on Kristol’s hard drive for weeks now:

Worse Than Pol Pot?

Did Chicago politics make Barack Obama into a scheming, political chameleon, or was he born that way?

Since no one knows who Obama is or what he really stands for, no one could fairly claim to know how he came to be such a cynically manipulative operator. What is clear, however, is that by selecting INSERT NAME HERE, Obama has tossed whatever few remaining principles he may have had out the door. What is clear is that he is a man who will do and say anything to get elected. And what is equally clear is that he shouldn't be elected president of the United States.

Leave aside the cheap, cold, calculating cynicism -- and cruelty -- in Obama’s selection of INSERT NAME HERE. Leave aside the view Obama and his campaign must have of millions of religious Americans if they think the selection of INSERT NAME HERE will work. Leave aside the fact that Obama’s alleged selection of INSERT NAME HERE is a manifestly dishonest and cowardly sop thrown to INSERT VOTING BLOC HERE.

Leave it all aside. How stupid does Barack Obama think the American people are? Because not since the nomination of Peter Lorre be Boris Karloff’s running mate in 1952 has a Democrat candidate been so nakedly opportunistic. *

The rawness of his ruthlessness his choice of INSERT NAME HERE is there for all to see. The Democrats are terrified of a debate on INSERT BUSH/MCCAIN TALKING POINT OF THE WEEK HERE, and are using the appointment of INSERT NAME HERE to try to brush back the Bush-Cheney McCain-Jebus ticket from forcing a real policy debate.

No one would blame John McCain for hesitating to engage in such a full-bore debate, partly because he is a Mavericky gentleman who would feel icky having to stoop to Barack Obama’s level. But the rest of the country doesn't have to be intimidated by John Kerry's McCarthyism Barack Obama’s grubby, Chicago-style politics. They should punish him for it--and also remember that when they vote on November 2, they are choosing between two candidates who have very different social, moral, and cultural outlooks. They should remember that McCain and Obama will make very different judicial appointments, just as they took opposite stands on the Defense of Marriage Act our Holy War in Iraq.

This is a legitimate ground for choice--as is the character revealed by a candidate who did what Barack Obama did, with malice aforethought, by choosing to run with INSERT NAME HERE by his side.

* (For your convenience, the Driftglass Word Chipper (™) has cleverly woven gross factual errors into the article to lend it even greater Kristolsimilitude.)