The Paris Peace Treaty

of 2008

File under: Shut up, sign it and get off the stage you horrible little man.
(click pic for larger version)

In honor of the Queen Mum Mutha’s visit to our troubled land, it seemed a good time to reflect on the fact that, once upon a time, we were the oppressed.

We were the ones who didn’t like it one bit that the mightiest power on Earth was shoving us around and telling us how to live from the safety of thousands of miles away.

We were the ones with oppressors who fought to bend us in directions of their choosing against our will year after year because the though of losing us was too militarily, culturally and economically abhorrent to contemplate.

And even though we shared a common language, a common faith, a common history and heritage with our oppressors – and even though our oppressors thought they had perfectly valid and rational reasons for everything they did -- the desire to get their boot off our throat was strong enough that we took up arms against them.

We were the ones who shot from the weeds; who chivvied and harassed our occupiers. We were the ones who lost almost every battle but won the war because we finally made it clear to the English that defeating the American Insurgency from the other side of the world was either impossible, or would come at such a cost that it could not be borne.

We were the ones who were so indelibly affected by the experience that we encoded protections against it into our Constitutional DNA:

The Third Amendment to the United States Constitution"

"No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

We were the ones who made it clear to our invaders that we were home and they were not and that, in the end, settled it.

And so, because intelligent, practical men concluded there was no hope of a Military Solution to the problem of the American Rebels, a Political Solution was found.

We all gathered around a table and signed a treaty. The Treaty of Paris. And – Surprise! -- the British Empire did not fall.


It is a remarkably sturdy document; so much so that with a minimum of tweaking and fiddling (and trading the original Article that dealt with where and how Americans could catch and dry fish for a newer one that deals with how the problem of foreign fighters might be adjudicated) I think we could repurpose the 1783 agreement into something we and the Iraqis could sign virtually intact.

Of course the Muse of Snark insisted I take a few liberties, but the original language is surprisingly well-adapted to our current circumstance.

Probably an artifact from the days when Statesmen led the nation, and not Decider and Commander Guys.

The Paris Peace Treaty of 2008

…
In the name of the most holy and undivided Trinity.

It having pleased the Divine Providence to dispose the hearts of the most serene and most potent Dubya the First, by the grace of Jebus, Decider and Commander Guy of The United States of America, Guam, Puerto Rice, Applebees and the imaginary kingdom of Jebusland, defender of the Feith, duke of Crawford and Kennebunkport, arch-keg-tapper and principle codpiece of the Neocon Empire etc., and of the Federation of New Iraq, to forget all past misunderstandings and differences that have unhappily interrupted the good correspondence and friendship which they mutually wish to restore, and to establish such a beneficial and satisfactory intercourse , between the two countries upon the ground of reciprocal advantages and mutual convenience as may promote and secure to both perpetual peace and harmony;

and having for this desirable end already laid the foundation of peace and reconciliation by the Provisional Articles signed at Paris on the 30th of November 2007, by the commissioners empowered on each part, which articles were agreed to be inserted in and constitute the Treaty of Peace proposed to be concluded between the Decider of The United States of America and the said Federation of New Iraq, but which treaty was not to be concluded until terms of peace should be agreed upon between The United States of America and the Alliance of Concerned Middle-Eastern Neighbors and his Texas Deciderliness should be ready to conclude such treaty accordingly;

and the treaty between The United States of America and Alliance of Concerned Middle-Eastern Neighbors having since been concluded, his Texas Deciderliness and the Federation of New Iraq, in order to carry into full effect the Provisional Articles above mentioned, according to the tenor thereof, have constituted and appointed, that is to say his Supreme NewKewLarity on his part, members of the Congress of The United States of America, and the said Federation of New Iraq on their part, (Insert name of whoever is still alive and in nominal charge of at least quarter of the population at the time the document is executed)., and (Insert name of whoever is still alive and in nominal charge of at least a different quarter of the population at the time the document is executed); to be plenipotentiaries for the concluding and signing the present definitive treaty; who after having reciprocally communicated their respective full powers have agreed upon and confirmed the following articles.

Article 1:
His Intoxicated Majesty acknowledges the said Federation of New Iraq, viz., Baghdād (بغداد), Salāh ad-Dīn (صلاح الدين), Diyālā (ديالى), Wāsit (واسط), Maysān (ميسان), Al-Basrah (البصرة), Dhī Qār (ذي قار), Al-Muthannā (المثنى), Al-Qādisiyyah (القادسية), Bābil (بابل), Al-Karbalā' (كربلاء), An-Najaf (النجف), Al-Anbar (الأنبار), Nīnawā (نينوى), Dahūk (دهوك), Arbīl (أربيل), Kirkuk (التاميم), and As-Sulaymāniyyah (السليمانية), to be free, sovereign and independent Provinces, that he treats with them as such, and for himself, his heirs, and successors, relinquishes all claims to the government, propriety, and territorial rights of the same and every part thereof.

Article 2:
And that all disputes which might arise in future on the subject of the boundaries of the said Federation of New Iraq, may be prevented, it is hereby agreed and declared, that the following are and shall be their boundaries, viz.; from the northwest angle of Turkey, viz., that angle which is formed by the contiguous and Iraqi-facing borders of Syria, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait; bounded again by the Persian Gulf and the applicable waterway rights appertaining thereto, to the Southern tip of Iran and angle of the border of Iraq until it joins the eastmost edge of Turkey

Article 3:
It is agreed that creditors on either side shall meet with no lawful impediment to the recovery of the full value in sterling money of all bona fide debts heretofore contracted.

Article 4:
It is agreed that the Parliament of the Federation of New Iraq shall earnestly recommend it to the legislatures of the respective Provinces to provide for the restitution of all estates, rights, and properties, which have been confiscated belonging to foreign citizens; and also of the estates, rights, and properties of persons and NGOs resident in districts under the protection of The United States of America’s arms and who have not borne arms against the said Federation of New Iraq. And that persons of any other description shall have free liberty to go to any part or parts of any of the eighteen Provinces and therein to remain twelve months unmolested in their endeavors to obtain the restitution of such of their estates, rights, and properties as may have been confiscated; and that the Parliament shall also earnestly recommend to the several states a reconsideration and revision of all acts or laws regarding the premises, so as to render the said laws or acts perfectly consistent not only with justice and equity but with that spirit of conciliation which on the return of the blessings of peace should universally prevail. And that Parliament shall also earnestly recommend to the several Provinces that the estates, rights, and properties, of such last mentioned persons shall be restored to them, they refunding to any persons who may be now in possession the bona fide price (where any has been given) which such persons may have paid on purchasing any of the said lands, rights, or properties since the confiscation. And it is agreed that all persons who have any interest in confiscated lands, either by debts, marriage settlements, or otherwise, shall meet with no lawful impediment in the prosecution of their just rights.

Article 5:
That there shall be no future confiscations made nor any prosecutions commenced against any Iraqi persons or persons for, or by reason of, the part which he or they may have taken in the present war, and that no person shall on that account suffer any future loss or damage, either in his person, liberty, or property; and that those who may be in confinement on such charges at the time of the ratification of the treaty in America shall be immediately set at liberty, and the prosecutions so commenced be discontinued.

Article 6:
That the Parliament shall within twelve months remand into the lawful custody of the Authority jointly designated by the Congress and the Parliament such persons as may fall under the definition of non-Iraqi “foreign fighter”, “jihadist” or otherwise named belligerent third parties who have emigrated to Iraq for the expressed purpose of fomenting hostilities between and exacerbating armed conflict among the signatories of this Treaty.

Article 7:
There shall be a firm and perpetual peace between his Propaganda-Catapulting Magnificence and the said Provinces, and between the citizens of the one and the citizens of the other, wherefore all hostilities both by sea and land shall from henceforth cease. All prisoners on both sides shall be set at liberty, and his Twenty-Eight Percent-And-Falling Lese Majesty shall with all convenient speed, and without causing any destruction, or carrying away any other property of the Iraqi inhabitants, withdraw all his armies, garrisons, and fleets from the said Federation of New Iraq, and from every post, place, and harbor within the same; leaving in all fortifications, the Federation of New Iraq artillery that may be therein; and shall also order and cause all archives, records, deeds, and papers belonging to any of the said Provinces, or their citizens, which in the course of the war may have fallen into the hands of his officers, to be forthwith restored and delivered to the proper Provinces and persons to whom they belong.

Article 8:
The navigation of the Persian Gulf, from its source to the ocean, shall forever remain free and open to the citizens of The United States of America, the Federation of New Iraq and their allies.

Article 9:
In case it should so happen that any place or territory belonging to The United States of America or to the Federation of New Iraq should have been conquered by the arms of either from the other before the arrival of the said Provisional Occupation Authority, it is agreed that the same shall be restored without difficulty and without requiring any compensation.

Article 10:
The solemn ratifications of the present treaty expedited in good and due form shall be exchanged between the contracting parties in the space of six months or sooner, if possible, to be computed from the day of the signatures of the present treaty. In witness whereof we the undersigned, their ministers plenipotentiary, have in their name and in virtue of our full powers, signed with our hands the present definitive treaty and caused the seals of our arms to be affixed thereto.

Done at Paris, this third day of January in the year of our Lord, two thousand and eight.