Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Aristocrats.



If you are unfamiliar with the Dirtiest Joke in the World, here’s a little primer.

It’s a gorgeous day here in my city and I’m going to pack up my laptop and find a lovely place to eat. So in lieu of a Sunday sermon, here’s my version:

The Republican Party walks into the American People’s living rooms, and says, "We're the Family Value’s Party, and we'd like to represent you."

The American People say, "Sorry, but we’re a little leery of Family Values parties. They tend to be scams run by demagogues.”

Republican Party says, "But this is really special."

The American People says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

The Republican Party replies, "Well after the worst attack on American soil in history, we hijack the nation's grief and rage to plunge us into a war with entirely the wrong country.

“Then we let the actual terrorist responsible for the attack to sit in a comfy chair on the edge of the stage and laugh and laugh and laugh for the duration of the performance.

“The Mainstream Press then comes out, bends over and we take them violently and repeatedly from behind by jamming giant lies up their poop chutes, which come spurting out of their mouths the next day as 'authoritative reporting'. Then we cite our own regurgitated lies as independent ‘proof’ that we're right.

“Meanwhile Fox News and Hate Radio will peel the flesh from the fallen soldiers (whose flag-draped coffins are to be kept strictly hidden during the entire act. Out of, y’know, respect), wrap themselves in their skin, the Flag and the Bible and spend the rest of the act as a kind of Rich White Greek Chorus, screaming that anyone who is not in the act is a traitor.

“They will also hypnotically repeat ‘9/11/Iraq/Saddam Hussein/Osama bin Laden’ over and over and over again until any distinctions between them become magically invisible.

“We then wheel a brain-dead body on the stage named Terri Schiavo, and proceed to use it to defile both the institution of marriage and the sanctity of life…in the name of the Jesus. And then the President himself will interrupt one of his many vacations to make a special guest appearance and sign a special law to do this.

“Our ‘maverick’ candidates then come out, set fire to their remaining principles, and slither though their own shit to kiss Jerry Falwell’s pasty, pestilent ass.

“Then a kick-line of severely wounded veterans of our illegal war hobble across the stage, are locked into tiny rooms crawling with rats and roaches, and are left to sit in their own waste.

“The stage will be ringed by White Male Conservative Fundamentalist Evangelical on tall pulpits who will repetitively rant about the feminists, queers, Darwin and the ACLU oppressing and destroying Christian America while urinating continuously on the proceedings. To spice it up a little, every now and then one of the White Male Conservative Fundamentalist Evangelical preachers will smoke meth and/or orally pleasure some young gentleman volunteer from the audience.

“The daughter of the Vice President will stand under the shower of Conservative urine and sing a merry song about her great love of the Family Values of her Father and her Party.

”Then – live and on stage -- she and her lesbian lover will then give birth to a child out of wedlock.

“Every six minutes a voice will shout from offstage ‘Who is to blame for this horror show?’ and everyone on stage will shout back ‘Slick Willie!’ in unison.

“Every four minutes a spotlight will pick out various Family Values leaders in the wings engaged in a variety of crimes and/or sexual acts including but not limited to sex with a gay prostitute, sex as a gay prostitute, attempting to solicit gay sex from young boys, embezzling funds from disabled veterans, stealing from native Americans, looting and then busting out various massive corporations, rigging elections, selling soldiers tainted food and toilet water at premium prices, attacking senior citizens for hating soldiers and loving “teh gay”

(Or did you forget?)

“And so forth…”

The American People look very uncomfortable, but the Republican Party continues…

“This will be followed by a series of what we call Ironic Soliloquies.

“First, one of our Faith Based 'scientists' will sodomize a baby polar bear with the worlds 'Global Warming' painted on its fur.

“Second, the head of the agency in charge of responding to national emergencies will let an entire American city die. No expense will be spared in making this as realistic as possible, including the mocking of the dead, the dying and the devastated as being 'lazy and stupid'...

“Third, the top Law Enforcement Officer in the country will torture a series of bound prisoners live, soak the writ of Habeas Corpus in kerosene and set in alight, smash the machinery of democracy, all while singing a rockin’ cover of 'I Don’t Remember'.



“The Secretary of Defense will then fuck an entire country into the ground, destroy the military, lie until his ass actually falls off, and mock anyone who asks honest questions.

“Then, for laughs, the Vice President will shoot a guy. An old guy. In the face.

“The old guy will then profusely apologize for getting in the way of the Vice President’s buckshot.”

The Republican Party pauses, smiling, and then continues:

"This is the best part: the President of the United States then comes back onstage in a flight suit and a massive codpiece, struts over the dead and wounded, over our ruined national reputation, over our failing schools, over our crippling debt, and praises every one of us for the brilliant job we have done, and passes out Presidential Medal’s of Freedom.

“Then a giant banner reading ‘Mission Accomplished’ drops out the ceiling, and 29% of the audience applauds wildly as we all get up and take a bow."

The Republican Party looks at the American People and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

The American People just sit there stunned for a long time. Finally they say, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

58 comments:

Arnet said...

Shit, that's hella good writing. Thanks for that. I'll pass it on.

charley said...

you're too good driftglass.

look'n at like that, it's all just been one fine show.

a tragedy or a farce.

tweez said...

Driftglass, I love you!

Keep 'em coming please.

I hope that someway, somehow Steve Gilliard gets to read your posts today. It'll help him recover his strength.

Anonymous said...

Who's the playwright? Euripides Goopers A New One?

parsec

Gazetteer said...

But.....but......but....

When do the Bobbleheads make their appearance?

And, if the going get's tough with that audience in the living room, who says the Republican Party can't take this act out on the road, anyway (see: The country formerly known as Canuckistan)?

.

roberto said...

That's the most obscene, and funniest, telling of that old joke that I've heard yet.

The Minstrel Boy said...

you forgot the part where they stuff david brooks up dubya's ass while he's doin' condi bent over double and playin' the piano wearing nothing but a pair of ferragamo stilletos and he makes like a gerbil.

(ok, it's just that it was my favorite part, i know i'm a perv)

lex said...

Y'know, drifty, this is exactly the kind of derivative work that DMCA was enacted to prevent. I salute the large pair of middle fingers you raise in its general direction.

Also, wasn't there once an animated Disney movie called "The Aristo-cats?" (The hyphen wasn't part of the title; I just put it there to indicate that the misspelling was actually a pun.) If so, I'd be afraid to go back and look at it now.

US Blues said...

Trash like this plays in Peoria, but it won't fly on Broadway.

Mr. Flibble said...

Drifty,
There are still some holes in your plot. For instance, you forgot about the fact that as the play goes on there is a fire burning down the stage and trapping the audience. All the while, the chorus and the Aristocrats, who are donning their golden flame-retardant clothing and oxygen tanks, are telling the audience that there is no fire but that if they don't want to die they're going to have to clap louder.

Bitty said...

Well, that's just genius writing.

And obscene, especially because it's true.

jurassicpork said...

This administration and its doings, cummings and goings has been dictated supernaturally from beyond the grave by Sophocles, with a dash of Euripedes thrown in, just for that taste of juvenile genocide.

Very good one, as usual, DG. I've long thought about doing such a thing but then something called life or other blog projects got in the way.

Glad to see someone else could pick me up. And it always seems to be you.

Caomhin Laochdha said...

George Carlin does the ultimate version of this joke, and you DG, have entered the Pantheon with the best of them.

Well done!
cl

P.S. “The old guy will then profusely apologize for getting in the way of the Vice President’s birdshot."

driftglass said...

Thank you all so very much.

It has been a king hell bitch of a day and your kindness turned in right around.

Anonymous said...

This kind of writing warms my heart to bursting.

Know why?

First of all, the damned thing is so funny, well-crafted, and dead-on. It takes the hoary, and clich├ęd and swaps in new ingredients, cooks it differently and daringly. You get a whole new meal. Familiar in a way, but radically different--and still...tasty. Vibrant. A revelation.

It feeds and inspires.

The second thing is strictly schadenfreude-fueled. And it's the fact that there just ain't nobody on the right who can do what you (Drifty) do anywhere near as f*cking well. It heartens me, and gives me hope. Because I see a sea change, and I really think that our (progressives) ability to connect with people via this incredible kind of humor and satire has a lot to do with it.

I feel like we're going up against the other side in softball, and somehow our squad is full of ringers--Ruth, Musial, Williams, Mays and Banks--that the opponent can't even touch. It makes me feel...well, powerful and confident.

So dammit, "Let's play two!"

Anonymous said...

By the way, the last comment was from me, LowerManhattanite. :)

Mr.Shemp said...

Drifty, it's excellent to see this cross posted over on the News Blog. Hopefully it causes a huge swell of traffic to come your way and keep coming back. Where's your tip jar? :)

BTW, LowerMan -- enjoyed your first post on changing NYC over at Steve's place.

Kate said...

I can't believe you left out the torture! Where's the menstrual blood, the waterboarding, the enemy combatant detention with no legal representation? Man, that's the FUNNIEST part!

The Infidel Sage said...

You are definitely a disturbed individual.

Nice try with the the lies and twisted half-truths. Nice writing, but the content is a trainwreck of blind hatred.

But thanks for playing with the grownups.

Anonymous said...

ew. trolly stink.
go shop your stupid somewhere else.

Kimberly said...

-infedel

Nice "try"? where have you been the last six years?

Oh, that's right! your own little world where no one disagrees with you.

Dee said...

Excellent truth telling!

solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short said...

You guys should actually check out the infidel sage's link. It's a right/left group blog that reads sorta like Obsidian Wings, if they did whip-its between postings. It looks like he found this via his co-blogger, who gives drifty mad props.

So kimberly's wrong--he's not an echo-chamber dweller--but his most recent post is a searing indictment of Ward Churchill, so apparently exposure to differing viewpoints won't keep a Bushie from turning into a grotesque self-caricature.

Ron West said...

Best Aristocrats Joke. Ever! Bravisimo!

jurassicpork said...

You guys ought to check out , Constitution Club. They have a photoshopped picture of Ward Churchill up that makes him look kind of hot in the way that Bugs Bunny in drag is kinda hot.

After that, tho, the blog kinda goes downhill. Which is what you'd expect of a place that links to the National review not once but twice then brags about it.

Personally, I'd go there only if I was too lazy to mentally masturbate.

Andre said...

Actually, my post on ConClub wasn't bragging about the fact that NRO is linked twice in our blogroll, I was pointing and laughing at my conservative friends (the link is to Sadly, No!)

BTW, Kudos on one of the best blog posts that I have read in a long time.

Now where's my whip-it?

Uncle $cam said...

Tones of Wilhelm Reich in Hell (The scene: Wilhelm Reich is on trial in Hell. The trial looks in all respects like a 3-ring circus, complete with jugglers, acrobats, fire-eaters, etc. ...A Musical by the late Robert Anton Wilson. Only your play is a vaudevillian production for the New American 21st century and just as riveting. Thank-you driftglass.

Steve J. said...

This was frigging great. I'll try to spread the word.

Thanx!

aspTrader said...

Incredibly great...

... I had never heard of the Aristocrats joke before. And if it's never the same upon a retelling, here's what I think you need to add for the next retelling....

... something needs to be added at the end about the Repubs realizing that everything they've just done NOT being representative of a real family values party and they apologize for everything they just did...

... and THEN they say.... "wait, give us another chance... we've got some REAL family values guys to show you..." and they trot out Guiliani (with 3 wives and the background on each in two), Gingrich (and his sordid tales--or is it "tails"), and McCain...

watertiger said...

[Standing ovation]

Larry said...

I nominate this entry for the Rip Van Winkle award. If you've slept through the last 6 years, read it and weep!

Brilliant! And as anyone who's lived through it will attest, a KILLER JOKE.

JoeC said...

I've seen the movie about the original joke and laughed my butt off, but this is SOOOOOOO much better. I just wish it all weren't true. THANKS for posting it!

LindaBee said...

The roles are now reversed: The ultimate satire is our real-life Bizarro World under George Bush, and the comedians are the journalists who illustrate the truth so well.

FABULOUS illustration of the "sick joke" we know all too well.

BitterHarvest said...

Aaah, wheeling out the aristocrats again. Sweet, D. Brilliant writing.

Morse said...

Oh. My. God.

Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

I think this would have been better without the fictional, over-the-top obscenties.

Only problem is, I can't tell which of the obscenities are fictional.

Anonymous said...

This is really, really good and true. The only improvement I could offer is also true: The percentage applauding has fallen to 28 percent.

moneysmith said...

Truly awesome and thoroughly blogalicious!! Encore!!

Anonymous said...

Very, *very* well written. But there is something you left out:

Half way through, the players stop for intermission and announce "We've got plenty more of this for the second half, in fact it just gets better from here on in. Now that you've seen our schtick, shall we stop now, or carry on?"

Roughly half of the audience don't actually bother to respond. Of those that do, slightly more than half say "Yes please, we'd like some more!"

Phillybits said...

Incredibly hilarious! Especially the video.

Moon God said...

*sigh* ... I wish I could say this was funny. As a huge fan of the movie, The Aristocrats, and as one who hasn't had any love for the GOP since 1994, I was thinking this could be funny. But it's more Micheal Moore-ish, Ann-Coulter-of-the-Left type crap. It's not even funny. At least Moore has that, once in a great while, in a real stupid humor kind of way. This is just stupid, all in all, very disappointing. Such potential for a joke, wasted.

The·Walrus said...

I wrote something very similar a few months ago. BuzzFlash ran it, and then Mike Malloy read it on his radio program.

Sorry.

http://www.buzzflash.com/contributors/06/03/con06096.html

Sharoney, Blogging Scum said...

Well, this has my Koufax award vote for 2007's "funniest post."

And Moon God, I wish I could say I believed your claim about yourself... but let's see you do better.

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